Thanks and Giving

This year has been most difficult to say the least.  Covid-19 has been challenging and unsettling.  It has led us to change the way we work, school, relate, and live. Families caring for young children and people caring for the elderly have my deepest admiration.  Home schooling and the ever-changing mandates must make it so difficult to plan and work.  

Thanksgiving this year was different for most of us who celebrate the holiday.  We gave up large gatherings, travel, and restaurants in an attempt to fight a virus that is unseen and untamed. Practicing thanks and giving is most challenging when we are experiencing times like these.  We must search with intention to see small blessings in the midst of our negative circumstance. 

 

Let us remain grateful and generous during this most difficult holiday season.

Focus on what’s important.  We all experience difficulties and setbacks, but even in the midst of difficulty we can choose to focus on something positive.  Someone was kind to you, family or friends reached out - even the little gestures that come to you can be seen in a grateful way.  It does not mean that you do not feel your sadness or grief. You need to acknowledge those feelings to process them.  Searching for little blessings in the midst of a tragedy will help you start to see a way to hope.

Kindness shared will spread. “Pay it forward” is a real thing.  If you share something positive with another, they will become happier and share that same attitude with someone else.  One small gesture - like paying for another’s fast food or coffee in the drive through line, will spark a series of future positive actions.  Just imagine how gratitude would spread if we just practiced one small gesture each day.  The small gestures of appreciation to others will ultimately shine back on you and bring you joy.   The ugly social media frenzy that you focused on this morning will be overshadowed with goodness when you give to someone else. 

Practice gratitude and thanksgiving at least once per week.  You do not have to make this a chore, but some regularity will help turn your negative brain chatter down and turn up your spirit.  Make a point to specifically practice gratitude one day each week or even everyday if you are so inclined.  Some regular intentional practice, like exercise, will build your gratitude muscle.  Specifically name at least one thing in your week that you can be thankful for and then practice one action that allows you to share your blessings with others.  Whether it is kind words for a friend or kindness to a stranger.  If you do it purposefully you will get the most reward, a positive mindset boost. 

Thanks and giving helps you to focus on the life that you have right now.  You can be the example and the inspiration for another human in this most challenging holiday season.  Reach out virtually, in writing, or from a proper social distance.  A small blessing, once found, will start to change thoughts of self-pity into silver lining possibility. 

There are so many ways to be thankful and giving. Share yours with me in the comments, or on Facebook and Instagram!

Dr. Julie Cappel

“I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought; and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder.” - G.K. Chesterton

Dusting away

Today I spent much of this snowy Sunday cleaning my house.  I am not a big fan of housework.  I have done it for many years and I am pretty good at it but I do not enjoy it.   There was a lot to do today because I worked long hours this week.  My kitchen needed to be reassembled because it was all torn up getting freshly painted, and my bathroom was its own dust covered, natural disaster.  

My home is generally clean most of the time, thanks to my mother.  She trained me as a child to make my bed, dust (once in a while), clean the dishes, scrub bathrooms, and vacuum up the pet hair. In fact, she also taught me that you really need to clean your house right before you host company.  You know when you hustle about the house before visitors arrive just to make sure that everyone knows that you are a clean person. We haven’t had to do that recently, but I will be ready when we are able to host company again — thanks Mom!

Keeping a clean home and work space is so important to how we feel.  As soon as I was done cleaning my kitchen and bathroom, I felt immediately more in control and at peace.  Even though I don’t like to clean, I love the peaceful feeling that comes with having an organized and clean area in which to live and work.  

Researchers at Princeton University found that clutter makes it more difficult for people to focus on a specific task.  A study published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found that women were more fatigued and depressed if they described their homes as cluttered.  Another study showed that people who make their bed each morning are 19 percent more likely to report getting a good night’s sleep.  

How do you start if you hate cleaning like I do?

Start small or constrain. We often live with clutter because a project seems overwhelming and time consuming.  We have so little time, right?  When I feel myself avoiding a project I remind myself that I do not have to tackle it all in one day. If I only have an hour, I can choose to work for one hour. (Even 15 or 30 minutes will work)  I set my timer and give myself a constrained amount of time to organize.  If I totally focus for 30 minutes or an hour I will always get more done than I originally planned.  Breaking an overwhelming task into constrained sessions makes completion feel less impossible.

If you are feeling chaotic this week, try to clean just a little.  Make your bed, organize your sock drawer, put your shoes away, throw out one journal, or wipe that layer of dust off your desk.  Any little thing that you can do to make your life cleaner and more organized will improve your outlook. You will feel more in control of your busy life.  

Also, cut yourself a little slack when you see the dust.  It is there to remind you that you are human — It can always be wiped away.

Dr. Julie Cappel

Bringing my work home

We have a hospital parrot.  Actually she is my family parrot that I keep at the veterinary hospital. Until this week…

Kimi is a Quaker that was originally my daughter’s pet, a birthday gift when she turned ten years old.  My daughter wanted a bird and I love Quakers, so with a bit of influence from me we picked out a baby Quaker.  Quakers are one of my favorite parrots because they are full of sass and attitude. Our Kimi is no exception.  She is loud and bossy, and bites anyone that dares put their hand in her cage.  She loves people (when she is not in her cage) and junk food, which makes living in our hospital break room the most amazing place for her.  

Kimi lives in the break room since my kids grew up and left home for college and beyond.  Quakers do not make good dorm room or apartment pets, so she remained with me.  One day when I took her to work for boarding while I was on vacation, I decided to let her stay where she could get more attention and be entertained by the day to day activities of the hospital team members.  She also loves visiting with the other birds that live and board at our hospital.  

This week Kimi became suddenly ill.  I did not noticed that anything was wrong but one of our astute technicians noticed that she was acting a little strange on Tuesday.   When we took her out of the cage to share lunch with us, it quickly became apparent that she was indeed ill.  We drew some blood and started her on some medication.  By the end of the day it didn’t look good, so I packed her up in a little hospital cage, warmed up the car, and carried her home to convalesce on my bathroom counter.   

Since Tuesday, she has been shuttling back and forth with me from work to home and back again, so I can keep an eye on her and take care of her medical needs.   She started to eat better today and squawked a bit, so I think she is coming around. 

This has been part of my job as a veterinarian for as long as I have been working.  Orphan kittens, sick birds, injured bunnies, and even baby ducks have spent time in my bathroom.  We take our work home.  Not just literally (patients and records), we also take it home emotionally.  We don’t or can’t leave our work at work — it seems to never end.

This is why we need to learn to coach ourselves to feel our emotions and process them.  Bringing our work home is not the problem, but feeling overwhelmed by bringing work home is.  Feeling that we are not allowed to say, “No” is also one of our key issues.  In my case, I  did not want to say “No” to Kimi; however, if I was feeling very overwhelmed by her illness, I could drop her off with one of my emergency clinic friends to let them treat her all week.  I have options to protect myself emotionally through coaching and manage my physical situation by asking for help.  Taking care of ourselves needs to be our priority. 

Thank goodness, Kimi seems to be improving today and I am hopeful that she will recover. 

Veterinarians, I understand the enormity of your job.  I encourage you to learn to coach yourself through the rough days.  Create some boundaries when you need to protect yourself.  Love the fact that you can help the pets because not everyone is equipped to handle tough situations, but you are.  You are dedicated, strong, brave and worthy. 

Dr. Julie Cappel

“Be strong, be brave, be beautiful, and believe that anything is possible when you have the right people there to support you.”  - Misty Copeland

Life lessons from the seat of my bike.

Today was an unusually beautiful day — seventy degrees and sunny in November — unheard of in Michigan. On a day like today I like to get out on my bicycle and put in some miles on the bike trail near my home.   Because the day was so beautiful there were many people on the trail and in the parks; walking, riding, and even some skateboarding.  Everyone was kind and friendly, and they seemed very happy to be outside on this glorious day. 

As I was riding I started thinking about how much good it does us to get outdoors and exercise.  Not only is it vital to our physical health, it also improves our mental health. Biking outdoors can also teach us some interesting life lessons. 

Exercise feels better when you do it outdoors.  Getting out of the house, especially in this time of Covid, feels great.  After spending 10-11 hours working in my veterinary hospital with a mask over my face, riding in the fresh air is so much more enjoyable.  The fresh air feels better and smells sweeter when you are spending most of your day breathing into a mask. Appreciating something as common as air, puts many things into perspective and helps me to remain grateful.  Grateful that I am healthy enough to ride and that there is fresh air to breathe on the bike trail.  

Bike trails have many turns, hills, and valleys, just like life.  Spending time navigating those turns and paying attention to the ups and downs makes me more focused and alert.  When life changes, it pays to expect the emotions that come with change.  Uncertainty and fear of failure come from our ups and downs.  Allowing and expecting negative emotion makes us stronger and more willing to take on anything. There will always be good and bad in my life and if I am  lucky, more good than bad.  Staying alert for the turns in anticipation of change helps me cope with uncertainty in my life. 

Spending time outdoors in the sunshine also helps to improve my immune system by relieving some stress.  The exercise is good for my heart, builds muscles, and the activity itself distracts me from my problems or in some cases allows me the time to sort them out.  Biking allows for ample time to think and reflect, keeping my stressful thoughts from taking hold.  Many times I solve my problem just by spending time thinking on the bike.   Riding in the sunshine also allows me to absorb some much needed vitamin D.  

It is said that there is no gain without pain, but I say that you can gain so much without pain if you just get yourself outside to exercise.  Focus on the journey, not the destination.  Ride a bike if you are able, but if you can’t just get out and walk. You will meet the best version of yourself there. Happy riding!

Dr. Julie Cappel  

“Unless you puke, faint, or die, keep going.”-JILLIAN MICHAELS

Join me on the Podcast - The Veterinary Life Coach Podcast!

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-veterinary-life-coach-podcast-with-dr-julie-cappel/id1451549730

  

Living in my moment for the holidays

Oh no, here we go.  When Halloween passes I start to feel holiday anxiety.  I want to take down my Halloween decor and start putting up the Christmas lights as fast as I can.  I have a need, not unlike Clark Griswold, to put up as many lights as possible.  I feel pressure to decorate, shop, plan, and work, work, work.  Why do I do this to myself?

If 2020 has taught us anything, it is that we need to live more consciously in the moment. I vow to live more in the moment this holiday season and into the new year.

Let me smile more each day.  I can practice optimism more and minimize stress.  Smiling is my face telling my brain that I am really happy with my life.  No matter what is happening in any given day, I can vow to smile more and bring myself and others more joy.  Offering my optimistic attitude to myself first will help me to set an example for others.  If I can keep my brain out of the judgment zone and in the acceptance zone, it will allow for more joy.  

Let me forgive myself and others.  Resentment and shame are just negative emotions that will build and bring you down.  If someone has wronged you, don’t let them keep hurting you by hanging on to the resentment.  You can let go of the negative emotion without allowing their continued negativity to affect you.  I have had people come in and out of my life and I forgive them a
ll, but it does not mean that I need to actively pursue a relationship with them.  Attempting to change someones opinion of you is not a useful exercise.  Changing your opinion of yourself is. 

Let me chose to love my work.  Whether it is my veterinary work, my coaching, or housework, I have the power to choose to love whatever I am doing.  Even putting up the Christmas lights in the cold winter wind, can be enjoyable if I chose to think of it that way.  I have control over my attitude when it comes to work and play.  “Any task you undertake becomes a piece of cake, with a spoonful of sugar” to quote Mary Poppins.  

Let me think outside the box.  Keeping an open mind and a thirst for learning will open up me world to possibility.  The more I read and stay off of social media, the better my life will be. Work on yourself at a pace that feels comfortable, but do not stagnate.  A bit of change and challenge each day will help you grow and reach new goals. 

Let me let go of one bad habit.  My one bad habit is worry.   This year I participated in worry so many times. (I guess a pandemic will do that to a girl)   Over and over again I thought that I could control outcomes by worrying about them.   In not one case did any of the worry make a difference.  The worry is a wasted emotion.  I have improved over the years, but my personality has a strong grasp on worry.  This holiday I will work to let go of that bad habit.

I vow continue to work on myself and live in the moment for the rest of 2020 and into 2021.  How about you?

Dr. Julie Cappel

“Happiness, not in another place but this place...not for another hour, but this hour.” ― Walt Whitman

Join me on The Veterinary Life Coach Podcast!

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-veterinary-life-coach-podcast-with-dr-julie-cappel/id1451549730

Take a lesson from autumn and let go.

I realized this week that autumn has arrived.  I say I realized it, not because I don’t know how to read a calendar, but because I took a walk with my work crew on Friday at noon in 70 degree weather and later that day left work at 40 degrees in the rain.  Yes, that’s my state Michigan.

I used to think of autumn as marching band and football season.  I spent years, when my kids were in band, sitting in the stands watching high school and college football games.  I loved those day so much!  Now, my kids have outgrown band and then there is covid, so I have zero opportunities to attend local games. I miss the music, the people, and the energetic atmosphere in the football stadium. 

Autumn is a time of turnover, renewal, and change.  From the summer’s lush beauty to the changing leaves that result in mostly naked trees.  There are lessons that we can learn from the changing seasons as nature turns over and prepares to bloom again in the spring. 

Learn to let go of things that do not serve you.  We all want to hang onto our past.  Whether it is happy memories like my marching band days, or a mediocre relationship or unfulfilling job.  We hang on to them because they feel comfortable and safe.  Our brain does not want to face the uncertainty of new thoughts and challenges.  We fear change, so we stay small.  

What if we learn to let go of our past like the trees let go of their leaves?  Would we then be open to self improvement or renewal? 

Allow yourself to examine the ways you are living in your past.  Thoughts of inadequacy held over from childhood will affect your ability to reach goals.  Concentrating on your past mistakes will keep you fearful of stepping up to new challenges. Examine your negative thoughts and choose instead to think in the present and trust yourself to create something better.

Take a lesson from the changes of autumn and let go of things that hold you back.  

Dr. Julie Cappel

“Renew, release, let go. Yesterday’s gone. There’s nothing you can do to bring it back. You can’t “should’ve” done something. You can only DO something. Renew yourself. Release that attachment. Today is a new day!” – Steve Maraboli

Tell me what you love about autumn and how you plan to let something go.

Let’s celebrate our big love for Veterinary Technicians

This week was Veterinary Technician Week  - the one week each year that the veterinary profession chooses to honor those multitalented individuals that help us to help the world’s pets.  Although we choose one week in October to honor them, we must acknowledge that there would be no such thing as modern veterinary medicine without the assistance of licensed veterinary technicians.  They are the glue that holds every practice together.  

The year 2020 has made this fact even more relevant due to the fact that we had to change the way we practice dramatically. The veterinary team had to redesign running our practice by taking work curbside; the technicians are taking the brunt of those curbside practice changes. 

The talented technician team that I work with consists of eight of the most caring, talented, versatile, empathetic people that I know.  Being a veterinary technician is not all about playing with kittens and cuddling puppies.  We all love that part of the job, but much of their time is spent working with panicked stricken, unruly, ninety pound dogs that want nothing better than to avoid treatment or harm the technician that is attempting to care for them.  Technicians frequently become bruised and battered by terrified or angry dogs in an attempt to help the patients that are presented to them. 

Veterinary technicians must be multitalented.  Each day they fill the roll of dental hygienist, anesthetist, radiographer, emergency room nurse, groomer, client educator, patient advocate, behaviorist, and phlebotomist. They must also be exceptionally emotionally stable, ignoring their own emotional needs in place of caring for others.   One of my technicians lost her own dog this week and then had to immediately return to work while grieving the loss of her own fur baby.  She spent the day taking care of clients’ pets instead of taking care of herself and her family during their time of loss. She represents the compassion and dedication embodied by most veterinary technicians.  You will see many a veterinary technician cradling a recovering surgical patient in their arms while eating their lunch, or bottle feeding baby kittens on their day off. 

So next week and for the rest of the year, let us not forget that these underpaid and under appreciated individuals work in this profession to take care of you and your pet.  Be kind when you encounter them and do not give them grief if they are running a little late for your nail trim or vaccine appointment. Tell them how much you appreciate them and the difficult job that they do. 

October hosts veterinary technician week, but I say every day should be “love your technician day”.  Much love to Becky, Carolyn, Shelley, Beth, Sam, Dawn, Jackie, and Deanna – my amazing technician friends.

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a

listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all

of which have the potential to turn a life around.” ― Leo F. Buscaglia

Dr. Julie Cappel

Please share your best veterinary technician story to honor those who really run our veterinary hospitals.

Join me on The Veterinary Life Coach Podcast!

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-veterinary-life-coach-podcast-with-dr-julie-cappel/id1451549730

Why so negative?

As I write this I am sitting 38037 feet above Springfield Missouri on my way with my husband back to Detroit, from Texas. We spent the week visiting my daughter and her husband in Texas and my mother in law and her husband in Oklahoma.  I am sitting near the window looking out into a crystal clear sky and I can see the ground beneath the plane slowly passing.  The reason I know our altitude and location is that there is a screen on the back of the person’s seat in front of me that gives me the details of the flight second by second.  I know where we are, our altitude, and how fast the plane is flying  - 493 mile per hour .  There are a variety of movies, TV, radio, and video content at my fingertips on the same screen.  I have a book to read, my laptop computer, and a variety of snacks that I bought at the airport.  The flight attendant even offered me wine, which I declined, but how much better can my life get?  I am wearing a mask, but that did not stop me from partaking in the snacks.  As I look out over the vast earth below me I think of how many people on the ground have problems today? How many are ill or suffering?  How many have lost their jobs or are worrying about paying bills? How many are joyful? 

I admit that there have been days in the past few weeks that I have had negative thoughts about little things in life.  Negative thoughts about something that happened at work, negative thoughts about the presidential election, and negative thoughts about things I own or things that I desire.   Why so negative, when I have so many blessings? 

Our inherent negativity bias is a big reason why we have evolved to use our higher brain.  We have learned to use that higher brain to recognize the negative thoughts, accept them, and then choose to change them to more positive productive thoughts, on purpose.  There is so much magic in this ability to think through things and choose kindness and compassion over anger and hate. 

My friend lost his wife last week to cancer.  She had fought for over 5 years and lost her life to the devastating disease.  He and his family posted on Facebook that they were choosing to share memories, laughter, and love in the wake of her passing in place of sorrow or anger.  They chose to honor her memory rather than morn her passing  There is power in his families’ choice.  In place of bitterness about the disease that took her life, they choose instead to celebrate her with cherished memories and love.  I am sure that is the way she would have wanted them to react to her beautiful life.

The choice to create better thoughts is available to every human in every circumstance.  Before I started looking out the window at the earth below me, I was thinking that my back was hurting, I was bored of sitting, my feet were cold, and I did not  like wearing a mask for the whole flight-"stupid pandemic!"-my brain thought.  I was feeling restless, crabby, and supremely ungrateful.  As I realized that my brain was acting like a baby, I  changed my thinking to create feelings of gratitude.  I chose to feel grateful for the team at my veterinary hospital that held down the fort for 7 days.  I chose to feel blessed that I have a daughter and son in law to visit in Texas whose beauty and wit are beyond compare. Blessed to have my husband, son, and parents who are all healthy and thriving.  Blessed to have this weekly blog to write, and my podcast - where I get to learn, coach, and offer support to the veterinary community.

This week I vow to set some goals, do some work, compliment some people, offer my financial support to someone in need, appreciate the beauty of the earth and all the things in it.  If I am blessed to live to see another year, I want to arrive as a better person than I am today.  I will continue changing my negative self talk, negative opinions, and scroll by those negative social media stories.   I vow to change my negative thoughts to positive ones.  

How do you choose to feel this week?  Positive I hope.

Dr. Julie Cappel

Join me on the Podcast!

The Veterinary Life Coach Podcast.

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-veterinary-life-coach-podcast-with-dr-julie-cappel/id1451549730

Color me Summer

Most of us have so many responsibilities in life - work, home, kids, parents, pets - that we often forget to take care of the person that matters the most, ourselves. Taking care of you is your most important job and should be your first priority.  If you are a working mother, business owner, spouse, parent, or pet caretaker, everyone needs to take care of themselves first.  

Yesterday I was honored to go through a color analysis session with my daughter. Bridget lives in Dallas Texas and for the first time since the pandemic, my husband and I traveled to Dallas to visit her and her husband.  Bridget was introduced to color analysis about a year and a half ago when she and her sister in law went through a session and discovered their true colors.  She was immediately hooked on the process and loves using her color palette to choose clothing, makeup, and presenting her best self to the world. Bridget is a professional Opera singer and has many opportunities to use color to enhance her presentation during auditions and performances. 

The color theory is relatively simple - “Human coloration is diverse, beautiful, and affected by our undertones (color of our blood), and our natural skin pigmentation.”  “The goalof a Personal Color Analysis is to identify your natural color tone and to accurately place it into one of the scientifically organized 12 seasonal tones.”, says Rebecca Reid of Colorpolitan.   If we wear the colors that compete with our natural skin hues, we look, dull, sad, or invisible.  My skin has some yellow tones that were exaggerated when I was put in very bright colors, and I have always loved very bright colors.  Who knew that I was doing myself a disservice? Taking some time to visit with my daughter and learn something remarkable in the process was truly an exercise in honoring my authentic self.  

Taking care of and honoring yourself in any way, especially during this pandemic, is critical to your mental health and success. Self care can look like anything that pleases or relaxes you.  Whether you choose color analysis, exercise, healthy eating, reading, napping, or simply walking in nature.Anything to slow your mind and get to know yourself better will allow you to create space for better thoughts which will eliminate much of your stress.  

Reminding yourself to put you first will expand your ability to care for others.  Getting rest and energy on purpose before you extend care to others, increases your capacity for caring, understanding, and giving.  Your attitude will improve, you will expand your capacity for work, and you will allow yourself to set goals that never felt possible before.  Schedule your down time first and enter it into your calendar.  If you do that consistently each week you will be ready to step into the best version of yourself.  Filling your cup first gives you the ability to pour more out for others. 

Getting my color analysis done and learning that I am a “True Summer” was super fun and fascinating. Thank you Bridget and Rebecca for providing this amazing experience.

Schedule something fun and different this week to take care of you.  You will be better for it.

If you want to learn more about color analysis visit Rebecca’s website:  www.colorpolitan.com.

Dr. Julie Cappel

“Love yourself first, and everything else falls in line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.” - Lucille Ball

Can we all just get along?

As a veterinarian who has spent my life helping people and pets, without any concern for their political leanings, it disturbs me how contentious this year has become.  With Covid-19 mandating that we change the way we practice veterinary medicine and the associated unrest in our country, we have been faced with some clients who disagree with our protocols and procedures regarding Covid-19.  This has caused increase cases of verbal and physical abuse being laid at the feet of receptionists, technicians and veterinarians.  There have been people swearing, threatening, throwing things, and destroying property at many of the veterinary hospitals in our area.

Why don’t we all just get along?

Douglas E. Noll, a lawyer and expert mediator, explains that, “Human beings are emotional not rational.  As the conflict develops, we perceive it as a threat, and we may blame, attack, or withdraw.”

The ugly nature of people is just bubbling beneath the surface at any given moment.  We are all capable of lashing out to another person when we feel that things are not going our way. The part of our brain that fears rejection, failure, or isolation, kicks in when we are in conflict.  We want to fight for our opinions to remain relevant and feel heard. 

We must train ourselves to be better.

Most of us had mothers that told us, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”   Our mothers knew that we needed to be reminded to be kind because it did not always come naturally.   Using our prefrontal cortex that allows us to think rationally —  along with some prompting from our mothers — we can overcome our need to react negatively to others.  

Practice compassion for all other humans and allow for differing opinions.  We all want to be free to live our lives as we wish, but freedom requires the ability to differ.  If a client wants to give their view on how you should practice, be open to listening.  Staying calm with compassion is always the best way to keep yourself from being sucked into an argument.  Appreciate differences and remain open minded to others’ views. 

Have realistic expectations that others will not always act kindly towards you and vow to not strike back.  If you understand that most of the people you encounter will be kind, but some will not, you will be prepared to let the bad encounters roll off your back and you can stay out of the mud.

Take care of your team during these difficult times.  Have frequent conversations with fellow veterinarians and your team members so they feel supported.  Associating with others that are experiencing the same situations will allow all to feel understood, supported, and safe.

Humans are emotional and also beautifully unique.  Let’s value our differences and try to get along.

Dr. Julie Cappel

Why Don’t We Say No?

Why is it so hard for us to say no? I struggle, feel guilt, and often end up saying “yes" even if I feel a request will lead to my detriment.  People pleasers like me are always tempted to say yes, so we allow others to take precedence over ourselves.  I am proud of myself for learning to say no in many circumstances, but it continues to be a challenge.  

Yesterday I worked a busy Saturday at the veterinary hospital.  As the only doctor working, I was double booked the entire day. That didn’t stop clients from calling and asking for everything from a last minute “emergency” appointment for their itchy dog, to an emergency refill on that medication that they ran out of this morning.  Then add to that the person that is getting angry because they have been waiting 30 minutes to get in for their appointment.  At some point, we have got to say no, simply to protect ourselves. 

Most veterinarians have a hard time saying “no”  and many ENFJ’s have a hard time saying “no”,  so that leaves me as a notorious natural people pleaser.  My personality is hard wired to create harmony and make others happy.  That causes me at times to abuse myself and suffer with feeling overworked.  It helps me to think of people pleasing as actually lying — by telling people yes when we really want to say no, we are essentially lying to them. 

How do you begin to practice saying no in order to become skilled at not caving to others’ whims?

Accept that it is necessary.  The word “no” feels foreign to us because it makes us feel as if we are selfish and arrogant.  But saying no does not make us selfish at all.  We need to see it as protection and not as confrontation.  Practice saying it out loud.  My husband often tells me, “Look in the mirror and say no”. He knows that I am a people pleaser and an overachiever.  It helps to get someone that knows you well enough to keep you accountable.  When you say no to others, you are really protecting yourself. 

These changes in your thinking and action will not feel comfortable at first.  You will struggle with your brain —feeling guilt for not helping others; however, you need to start believing that you are the one that needs protection.  Your mental and physical health are important.  Keeping yourself healthy and whole will allow you to help more people in the long run by increasing your capacity.  The quality of your life and your relationships are directly related to the attention that you give to yourself.

Preset your personal boundaries.  You must have boundaries between your emotional wellbeing and another person.  Think of yourself as the guard in front of your mental and physical health.  Your job is to protect you first, your family second, and then your clients and coworkers.   Your first order of business is with you. 

Have a firm grasp on your priorities.  To make decisions that are best for you, you have to know yourself well.  What is your capacity for work?  What do you value?   Spend some time thinking about that and then listing your priorities.  Keep them in mind when making any decision.  Saying no is easier when you have a clear idea of what you really want out of life.  It has a lot to do with your integrity.

Years go by quickly, so do not procrastinate in properly managing your health.  Take care of your mind and body first and you will create more energy and strength to help others.  Learning to say no takes practice and resolve, but it will pay off by keeping you sane and healthy, and allow you to increase your capacity when the real important issues arise. 

Dr. Julie Cappel

“Love yourself enough to set boundaries. Your time and energy are precious.  You get to choose how you use it.  You teach people how to treat you by deciding what you will and won’t accept.” ― Anna Taylor

Join me on the Podcast!

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-veterinary-life-coach-podcast-with-dr-julie-cappel/id1451549730