Old Friends and Family

This weekend, I am in Los Angeles, California, to see a Broadway show in which my son, Tristan, is performing.  I am very excited to see this performance of "Old Friends" starring Bernadette Peters and Lea Salonga.  It is a new musical tribute to Stephen Sondheim and is debuting in the United States, originating in London. After the six week run in LA, it will move on to Broadway. To have the opportunity to see the show in its debut month is incredible.  My son Tristan is a professional musician whose first love is jazz. However, he is periodically offered these Broadway gigs because he is a talented woodwind player.  Woodwinds are the flute, piccolo, clarinet, saxophone, oboe, and bassoon to those who don't know.  When someone plays in a Broadway show, they play multiple instruments.  Tristan plays the "first woodwind" in this show: a saxophone, clarinet, flute, and piccolo. The best thing about this show is that the orchestra is on stage for the performance, not in the orchestra pit.  So, I have the opportunity watch Tristan perform as a major participant in the show.  (Can you tell that I am proud of my talented children?)

While we are here in LA, when Tristan is not performing, we will do some sightseeing, eating, and relaxing with him and his fiancé Samantha. 

From Los Angeles, I am traveling to Michigan to spend a few days with a group of my old friends on our annual scrapbooking weekend. These friends are people I have known for a good portion of my life. They are truly old friends that I consider family in every sense of the word. 

Seeing a show called “Old Friends” and visiting my own old friends and family made me think of how important connecting and nurturing relationships is to our mental health.

Why focus on old friends and family?

Many people feel disconnected now, more than ever, which seems strange with the internet at our fingertips. While social media pretends to be a connection, it is superficial and artificial. Personal connection is more important for curing loneliness. Making friends and sustaining relationships increase one's sense belonging and of our overall well-being. 

Old friends make you feel connected, improve your self-esteem, and understand where you have been. Research done by Washington State University found that 50% of people reported loneliness.   A Michigan State University study of 280,000 people found that old friends can be more critical to your mental well-being than your family.  We all lose touch with friends, and our average network turns over about every seven years, so old friends are rare. 

Most of us resist reconnecting because we feel awkward or uncomfortable, but reconnecting is rewarding.  Reconnecting with old friends is an efficient way to build up your friend network.  You can rekindle an old friendship quicker than building a new connection. Old friends are better for your identity because they are often familiar with your history. Old friends help you feel more comfortable with your identity, values, and sense of self.  They “see where you are, and they know where you have been”. (To quote an old song)   Old friends can also validate your progress as they see how far you have come and acknowledge your accomplishments and achievements.

How do you reconnect with friends and family?

Start small.  Don't have huge expectations when reaching out to someone you have not seen in a while.  Maybe a quick phone call, text, or plan a meeting for coffee or lunch.  Don't plan on having hours to catch up.  It will feel less awkward to both parties if the expectations are low.

Think of reaching out to old friends as a favor to them and yourself.  It will be easier to get yourself to be the one that reaches out if you think that the other person may be lonely or need a friend too.  Many people are afraid to initiate a conversation but will happily respond and rekindle the relationship. 

Be confident in your ability to make friends.  You may feel awkward or intimidated, but if you can confidently reach out, you will have taken the first step to creating and building new networks.  Even planning a small party with a few old friends will help your relationships and keep your confidence up. 

This trip is an excellent reminder to cherish the time you spend with your old friends and your family.  Connection and relationship is what makes life rich and rewarding.  By reaching out and nurturing old friendships and family relationships, you can improve your feelings of connection and increase your well-being and sense of belonging.

Take action this week and let me know who you connect and reconnect with this week!

Dr. Julie Cappel

“Finding an old friend is like finding a lost treasure.” – Anthony Douglas Williams