Why is it so hard for us to say no? I struggle, feel guilt, and often end up saying “yes" even if I feel a request will lead to my detriment. People pleasers like me are always tempted to say yes, so we allow others to take precedence over ourselves. I am proud of myself for learning to say no in many circumstances, but it continues to be a challenge.
Yesterday I worked a busy Saturday at the veterinary hospital. As the only doctor working, I was double booked the entire day. That didn’t stop clients from calling and asking for everything from a last minute “emergency” appointment for their itchy dog, to an emergency refill on that medication that they ran out of this morning. Then add to that the person that is getting angry because they have been waiting 30 minutes to get in for their appointment. At some point, we have got to say no, simply to protect ourselves.
Most veterinarians have a hard time saying “no” and many ENFJ’s have a hard time saying “no”, so that leaves me as a notorious natural people pleaser. My personality is hard wired to create harmony and make others happy. That causes me at times to abuse myself and suffer with feeling overworked. It helps me to think of people pleasing as actually lying — by telling people yes when we really want to say no, we are essentially lying to them.
How do you begin to practice saying no in order to become skilled at not caving to others’ whims?
Accept that it is necessary. The word “no” feels foreign to us because it makes us feel as if we are selfish and arrogant. But saying no does not make us selfish at all. We need to see it as protection and not as confrontation. Practice saying it out loud. My husband often tells me, “Look in the mirror and say no”. He knows that I am a people pleaser and an overachiever. It helps to get someone that knows you well enough to keep you accountable. When you say no to others, you are really protecting yourself.
These changes in your thinking and action will not feel comfortable at first. You will struggle with your brain —feeling guilt for not helping others; however, you need to start believing that you are the one that needs protection. Your mental and physical health are important. Keeping yourself healthy and whole will allow you to help more people in the long run by increasing your capacity. The quality of your life and your relationships are directly related to the attention that you give to yourself.
Preset your personal boundaries. You must have boundaries between your emotional wellbeing and another person. Think of yourself as the guard in front of your mental and physical health. Your job is to protect you first, your family second, and then your clients and coworkers. Your first order of business is with you.
Have a firm grasp on your priorities. To make decisions that are best for you, you have to know yourself well. What is your capacity for work? What do you value? Spend some time thinking about that and then listing your priorities. Keep them in mind when making any decision. Saying no is easier when you have a clear idea of what you really want out of life. It has a lot to do with your integrity.
Years go by quickly, so do not procrastinate in properly managing your health. Take care of your mind and body first and you will create more energy and strength to help others. Learning to say no takes practice and resolve, but it will pay off by keeping you sane and healthy, and allow you to increase your capacity when the real important issues arise.
Dr. Julie Cappel
“Love yourself enough to set boundaries. Your time and energy are precious. You get to choose how you use it. You teach people how to treat you by deciding what you will and won’t accept.” ― Anna Taylor
Join me on the Podcast!
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-veterinary-life-coach-podcast-with-dr-julie-cappel/id1451549730
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