Today I finished a jigsaw puzzle, a beautiful 1000 piece puzzle of Santorini Island, Greece. It took me several weeks to put it together to completion. It always feels great to complete a puzzle, but today it did not feel great at all. I actually completed only 999 pieces — I was missing one piece. My husband jokingly told me to look for it out in the dog yard, because my dog Parker probably ate it. I imagine that is exactly what happened. (don’t worry, I did not look for it there)
Since the beginning of Covid-19 I have taken to keeping a puzzle on the table in my living room to work on in the evenings. I like puzzles because they are relaxing and distracting when I need to quiet my busy mind before bed. We also have a puzzle going at work frequently to help people unwind during lunch or on their break. There is something calming about working a puzzle, except when you get to the end and do not have all the pieces.
That missing piece can be so frustrating — a bit of a metaphor for life. Some small irritation or “missing piece” can throw a beautiful day right into the crapper — or dog yard.
Why is it that we allow a small annoyance in our day to throw us into a tail spin? One nasty client interaction and we think that our whole day has gone awry. One small mistake can tell our perfectionist brain that we are stupid or inadequate. No matter how well you do the rest of the day, you feel terrible and your day is ruined. One missing piece.
Our brain has a negativity bias. Josh Klapow, a clinical psychologist writes, “We tend to associate negative experiences with situations in which we lose something, are rejected, are threatened, or have our vulnerabilities exposed. From an evolutionary standpoint, many of us are hard-wired to seek out negativity so we can learn to protect ourselves from it.” The more time we spend looking for negativity the more we find it. Instead of me seeing the 999 beautiful pieces that I successfully completed, I am totally focused on the one piece that my dog may have eaten. Instead of enjoying the victory of the puzzle completion, I beat myself up over dropping a piece on the floor.
How can we change this “missing piece” mindset?
Concentrate on the facts. See the negative event for what it really is, just a small irritation in an otherwise beautiful day. One nasty client is just someone having a bad day and I can choose to enjoy the fact that all the other clients were delightful. One small mistake makes me human and I can forgive myself. One missing puzzle piece can not spoil the beauty of my entire puzzle.
Acknowledge your emotions. Go ahead and have a little pity party when you can’t find the puzzle piece. Be a little disappointed and look under that furniture, but when you don’t find it, admire the rest of the puzzle that you created. Go ahead and feel a little sad for your mistake, but then let the sadness go so you can concentrate on the great things you did today. Keeping focus on all the good, will help you let go of the small amount of bad.
Everyone deals with negative emotion, but sometimes we let it consume us. The negativity bias that our brain presents is something that we can learn to understand and in turn control. If you find yourself stuck focusing on your “missing pieces”, reach out to someone for help. Do not suffer alone because we all have similar experiences and there are people willing to help.
Focus on your 999 beautiful pieces and let go of your one missing piece.
Dr. Julie Cappel
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The Veterinary Life Coach Podcast with Dr. Julie Cappel
The Veterinary Life Coach Podcast with Dr. Julie Cappel
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