Stop getting in your way when it comes to goals.

Many of us struggle when it comes to goal setting and accomplishing the things we want in life. We want something that we think is important or something that will make us happy, but we don’t follow through. We fail to take the steps that it requires to accomplish that goal. Ironically, one of the main reasons we quit on ourselves is because we fear the discomfort of change and the feeling of failure that may come when we don’t achieve the goal.

If you think you are unique in setting goal after goal and failing, you are not. Most people want things they never get because they are unwilling to take the steps that cause the pain needed to get to their goal. Our brains are wired for this naturally; it is called the motivational triad. The motivational triad is three things; seek pleasure, avoid pain, and conserve energy. Animals and humans were all designed with these three motivations to keep them safe and alive. 

To accomplish big goals, there are things you can do to overcome the motivational triad.

Choose your goal wisely and specifically. To overcome your primitive brain, you must have an intensely compelling reason to shoot for your goal. It is not enough to say you want to lose ten pounds because as soon as you see a donut, your need to seek pleasure will kick in, and you will ultimately eat that donut. If you want to set a wise goal to lose ten pounds, you have to have a compelling reason, like you want to add years to your life, or you want to be able to play sports with your children and not collapse. You must want it bad enough that the pain of not getting there overcomes your need for pleasure.

 

Make a plan and commitment to the goal. To start working on your goal, you must break it into steps and be deliberate with your time. You will need a detailed plan of how your time will be spent each day working on your goal. Making the plan is vital, but following it is critical. When you sit down to attend to your project, your mind will tell you to check your phone, eat a snack, watch some Netflix, or visit the bathroom. Your brain will try to foil your efforts because it is fighting against the discomfort you are feeling. Stand firm and keep to your plan. Realize that when your brain tells you to stray, you can control it. You have a higher brain to keep that primitive brain in check. Tell it to quiet down and let you get to work.

 

Make solid decisions, and don’t look back. While working on a goal, many of us agonize over simple choices instead of just making a choice and moving on. If you make the “wrong” decision, you can chalk it up to a learning experience and make a better one the next time—no big deal. Do not beat yourself up, and do not quit; move on to the next step and try again. The only people who fail to succeed are those that quit.

Embrace a little discomfort. The discomfort that you feel as you work through your goal is the pathway to your success. You will ultimately give up unless you vow to feel a little uncomfortable on purpose. Fear is painful, but not getting what you want in life is worse. Face up to your fear and work to make things happen.  

Now get it!

Dr. Julie Cappel

“Every champion was once a contender who refused to give up.” – Rocky Balboa

Join me on The Veterinary Life Coach Podcast!!

Puppies help solve for stress.

This week my dog Trent was scheduled for a routine dental cleaning, so he could not eat his Tuesday morning breakfast in preparation for general anesthesia. Trent is an eleven-year-old sheltie, and if you know anything about shelties, you know that they love food more than anything else in the world. Trent has a schedule that includes waking me up early, going outside for a brief moment, then demanding that I make his breakfast. Tuesday, he was confused that I did not wait on him when he barked for his food; then, when he realized that he was going to work with me, Trent hid behind a chair. Trent hates the veterinary hospital, mainly because it usually means getting groomed or spending the day waiting for me in a kennel. I think that I can safely say that Trent felt stressed on Tuesday. 

There is no doubt that veterinary hospitals are stressful and sometimes rushed and confusing. It is stressful for the dogs and also for us. The days may go smoothly or, more often, feel hectic and overwhelming. We deal with some very complex problems that require intense investigation, high levels of empathy, and more than a bit of patience. Like Trent, our days do not always go the way with think they should. When the days bring about stress, it pays to look for the little joys that come with each day. Tuesday afternoon brought puppies - we sometimes get to relieve stress with puppies.

There are other ways to deal with the stress until the puppies show up.

When something makes you feel stressed, start by identifying your thoughts about the stressful event. We usually feel stress just by thinking negative thoughts about the things that could go wrong. You might worry that a client will be angry when you are running late; in reality, they may be happy to wait and never say a word about it. The negative thoughts create all the unnecessary stress before you walk into the exam room.

Vow to look for solutions to the specific problem. When you go into problem-solving mode rather than worry mode, you will likely stay calm and solve the problem without causing stress. Think of a few solutions even if you are unsure of the results. Do not judge yourself if you feel a bit stressed, go back to brainstorming solutions until you feel calmer. Coming up with a few good solutions to offer to the client, not struggling for the ideal solution will allow you to be more openminded and flexible when it comes to collaborative decisions with your client. 

Accept that stress is a normal feeling. Your body creates stress to keep your mind sharp and you on your toes. A little stress may be good, but constant stress harms your health. If you can adjust your thinking to keep yourself calmer, your mind will be able to make a solid and clear decision as you move throughout your day.  When you feel high stress, take a moment and focus your mind either with a short meditation or self-care break.

Remember that your workday will offer you ups and downs, and you can handle all the emotions. Take a small break or ask for help if you feel overwhelmed. Try to look forward to the happy parts of veterinary medicine, the kind and grateful clients, the pets you save or cure, and the puppies (or kittens). Please take full advantage of the puppies when you see them. Hug them, take photos, and play with them on the floor. You will be better for it.

Dr. Julie Cappel and Trent. 

“Stop seeking out the storms and enjoy more fully the sunlight.” ― Gordon B. Hinckley.

I don’t feel like it.

Last Sunday was the day I was supposed to write my blog. I used to do it every Sunday, so it was a habit. I never missed a Sunday for over four years. This summer, I decided to back off and write every other week. It was a choice to ease up a little on myself and spend that time working on other business-related tasks. Last week I got stuck in procrastination and did not blog. 

I am writing last Sunday’s blog, so I missed a week. Why? Not because I didn’t have the time, I did. In fact, I did very little writing this week because I was working and feeling a bit off. Maybe the after-effects of the Covid that I had a few weeks ago. I was unmotivated and a bit discouraged about my busy work week. I was unmotivated, feeling lethargic, and did not bother to honor myself by writing.  

So, today I am writing about motivation as a message to myself and you. You can do anything with the right motivation and the tools to understand procrastination. 

Procrastination is something that most of us do. We drag our feet and distract ourselves when we know that there is something else that we should be doing. Avoiding work or procrastination usually comes from the thought that tasks will be difficult or painful. Another thought that often keeps us stuck in procrastination is that we don’t have time. When you are busy scrolling through Instagram or TickTock, you are probably avoiding something else you want to get done. 

So when you catch yourself procrastinating, try a few tricks to get motivated. Start by thinking about your values and priorities. If I know I have twenty things to do today; I will most likely avoid getting started because my brain thinks it is too much. If I make my list first, then choose the most important thing - the priority - I will be more likely to start on that one. It goes back to knowing your “why .”If you have a solid reason to do something, it becomes your priority, and then you can focus on that one thing. Focusing on one priority at a time helps you avoid the overwhelming feelings that cause you to procrastinate. Starting on one goal and one small step allows you to create motivation to get it done. Today this blog was my goal.

Once you have chosen your priority, decide how long it might take to finish. If you don’t know, guess and set aside that time to work on it. For example, if my priority is to pull weeds in my yard, and I guess it will take an hour, I can start weeding, set the timer for an hour, and see how far I have gone. If I want to work longer, I can, but at least with the timer running, I focus and know that there is an end in sight. The task seems more manageable when I know I only have to do it for an hour. If I get it all done, great! If not, I can reschedule it for another day or work another hour to finish.

Expect negative emotions. If you expect to feel uncomfortable, you will be more able to handle the uncomfortable feeling that comes with a heavy schedule. Practice makes perfect when it comes to feeling uncomfortable on purpose. I always feel resistance when I start to write. “You don’t have a great idea,” my brain tells me, or the most common one, “I don’t feel like writing.” Those negative thoughts and emotions allow me to procrastinate. Sitting with the blank page in front of me and listening to my brain’s excuses, I start to type, eventually resulting in something on the page. I create motivation by feeling and overcoming my negative thoughts and emotions. 

My last tip for you today is to get someone to hold you accountable for your goals. When I am very stuck, it helps to talk to my life coach or my husband, and I ask them to help me understand what keeps me from accomplishing my goals. Sometimes just having someone outside yourself helps teach you about yourself. Your coach will give you the kick in the pants you need to get motivated and moving. 

This blog is complete because I took the time to get over my week-long procrastination and created a little motivation to get it off my to-do list. Now I must face the rest of my busy week. The motivation I created to get this writing done will help carry me through to get to everything else on my list. I challenge you to finish this read, make your to-do list, then work to get started on the priority. 

Get something done and create motivation to carry you through your week, even if you don’t feel like it.

Dr. Julie Cappel

“The secret of getting ahead is getting started.” - Mark Twain.

Gratitude and Music

Last weekend I was lucky to have the time and ability to drive 540 miles to a beautiful little town called Marion, Kentucky. Marion is a tiny town in western Kentucky with a population of just under 3000. The city covers 3.4 square miles in the center of a large area of Amish farmland; the sixty minutes of winding roads before you arrive are all rolling hills, farm animals, and fields. Marion, Kentucky, is a part of the country I would have never experienced except for the rare opportunity that arose from my daughter singing at Foh’s Theatre with a rock-opera group called The Tapestry.

Described on their website as “Queen meets Pavarotti,” the tapestry is a high-octane fusion of the best music of opera and rock. I have had many opportunities to experience live music (both of my children are professional musicians), and this show was one of my favorites. The group is a combination of professional opera singers and talented rock musicians. The music combined was clever, engaging, and so entertaining. The experience made me feel grateful for my talented daughter and amazing life.  

When I work with many of my life coaching clients, we often talk about gratitude and its benefits to our overall mental health. Studies have shown that giving and receiving appreciation can increase dopamine and serotonin levels, creating less anxiety and depression. People who practice gratitude daily experience better sleep, more optimism, positive emotion, and more significant progress towards their goals. As I was reading up on the health benefits of music while researching for this blog, I was surprised to read that they were very similar to the benefits of practicing gratitude. Listening to and appreciating music is similar to adopting a gratitude practice in your life.  

Just like the combination of rock and opera, we can combine gratitude with music to help us unlock our feelings of well-being. I find that very fascinating and something that we can all use to help us to feel better. 

So, This week look for things to be grateful for in your life, even if it is difficult at first. The exercise may feel strained, but as you practice, you will feel yourself opening up to better feelings of stability as you give and receive gratitude. Also, remember that music can crack open those feelings, so if you are having trouble thinking of things to be grateful for, listen to some favorite music and appreciate the emotions it brings. Be sure to listen to something that soothes or makes you feel joyful.  Better yet, practice writing in your gratitude journal while listening to your favorite music.  The combination will certainly open up your mind to appreciate your life. 

Dr. Julie Cappel

“Acknowledging the good that you already have in your life is the foundation for all abundance.”—Eckhart Tolle

Tired Body, Happy Mind

Over last weekend, I went for a long bicycle ride with a couple of friends on the Macomb Orchard Trail.  I love this trail as it has options for long rides and several small-town destinations.  There are places to stop to take photos, and the shaded trail is well maintained and beautiful.  My friend Karen is a more hard-core rider than I am, so I always know when I go for a ride with her, it will be longer than I usually go on my own.  I love her can-do spirit and her ability to enjoy the entire process and the fabulous scenery.  She often stops to take photos and selfies; as you can see, I have shared some here in this blog.  In the pictures are Karen, Colleen, and I on the ride. 

We rode 30 miles, ten to fifteen miles more than I usually ride on any given day.  The day was pure sunshine, cloudless blue sky, a cool breeze, and comfortable riding conditions.  We met at our local bike shop near the trail entrance and took off around ten o’clock AM.  The ride was excellent, we stopped a few times to take photos, use the restroom, and buy water and snacks at a local store, so it was an enjoyable day. 

When I returned home more than four hours later, I quickly showered, got ready, and went to a graduation party.  After the graduation party, I was exhausted.  Not sleepy, but that kind of tiredness that tells me I may have overdone it a little with my great workout.  My muscles were drained of energy, and I knew I would be sore in the next twenty-four to forty-eight hours.  I love that tired feeling.  “Good pain,” my high school volleyball coach said.  My kid’s fencing coach would tell them, “Pain is weakness leaving the body.”  

As I was lying on the couch, watching television with the weakness leaving my body, I started to think about how important exercise is to our physical and mental health.

According to the CDC website: “Some benefits of physical activity on brain health happen right after a session of moderate-to-vigorous physical activity.  Benefits include improved thinking or cognition for children and reduced short-term feelings of anxiety for adults.  Regular physical activity can help keep your thinking, learning, and judgment skills sharp as you age.  It can also reduce your risk of depression and anxiety and help you sleep better.”

The Mayo Clinic sites research that says that exercising boosts your energy levels by increasing the oxygen-carrying capacity of your heart and lungs.  More oxygen helps your muscles and brain work better, increasing your ability to handle daily tasks and stressful emotions.  

Immediately after a long ride, I feel tired as my muscles rest and restore, but soon after, I have more energy to tackle tasks than I do on days I don’t get exercise.  Short exercise sessions clear your head and help you focus on things you want to do.  Just taking a brisk walk around the block will help you reduce your stress levels and help you let go of some of your worrying thoughts. 

Last week I was working with one of my coaching clients, and we were talking about stress management techniques and things we can do to manage stress before it reaches anxiety level.  We started to talk about our likes and dislikes regarding exercise.  I told her that exercise is one of the best ways to clear your head and manage stress.  Doing something you like is even better, but you don’t have to love exercise to choose something and just do it.  (Thanks, Nike)  

So, spend a little time this week thinking about the activities that are available to you.  Do you like to walk, hike, dance, or do yoga?  If you tell me you don’t like any exercise, I will challenge you to choose one anyway.  Whether you currently exercise or not, take a vow to add one thing into your daily routine.  It can be as simple as taking a short walk at lunch or as complex as dance classes, or interval training with a professional trainer.  Commit to one activity to help you improve your body and change your mind into one that handles stress just a little bit better.  

When you feel the physical pain, think of it as stress leaving your body.  

Dr. Julie Cappel

“When you exercise, it increases endorphins, dopamine, adrenaline and endocannabinoid — these are all brain chemicals associated with feeling happy, feeling confident, feeling capable, feeling less anxiety and stress and even less physical pain.” - Dr. Kelly McGonical

Stuck in Busy

Like many other mornings, today I sat down to drink my coffee and make my bullet journal list of the things I wanted to accomplish. As I wrote, it occurred to me that I frequently judge the success of my day based on the number of things I can check off on my lengthy to-do list. 

Why do I do this when I know that being busy does not equal happiness or success?

When I think about the people I admire and consider successful, I think of those who are free and generous with their time and money. People who know their priorities and spend time doing things that matter to them. People that live to serve their families and help others. I feel most successful and settled in my life when I care for myself and contribute to someone else, either by connecting with friends or family, life coaching my clients to feel better, or helping pet owners make their pets feel better. My time and dedication to myself and others are what feel most authentic and successful to me. So, why the morning list?

Society teaches us that collecting material things and listing accomplishments is what makes people most happy and successful. However, we can prove that this is not true as we accumulate things or accomplishments and find ourselves wanting more. 

Have you ever felt stuck thinking that you are “too busy”?

The feeling that comes from thinking of the long list of tasks causes our brain to become overwhelmed with stress. When our brain feels overwhelmed, it tries to protect us from pain and shuts down. Then we turn to distraction and pleasure to avoid our to-dos. Now we are stuck in inaction getting nothing done except maybe watching Netflix or eating a package of Oreos. Those actions do not bring joy or success.

Feeling stuck is a function of your thoughts about your current circumstances. You may be overwhelmed with work stress, adverse life events, or pressure to make big decisions—the chronic stress will cause you to retreat into yourself and stop moving. You may begin comparing yourself to others you think are accomplishing great things and shaming yourself. That shame is not a motivating emotion. When you feel that you are stepping out of your comfort zone, you will feel fear that also holds you back. Perfectionism will also keep you stuck.

How can you become unstuck from busy?

Start by identifying what you truly want. Who are the essential people in your life, and are you prioritizing them? What do you want to do? What is your next big goal? Work on your mindset about your priorities so you can begin to place the most important things at the top of the list. Challenge the thoughts that make you feel stuck. Today I spent time talking to my cousin and son and texting with my daughter. I spent time concentrating on those relationships as my priority before crossing anything off the to-do list.

Just take one small action step. Sometimes just starting with a little effort will motivate you to do more if you have a big goal you have been avoiding. Don’t beat yourself up for feeling stuck. The more you shame yourself, the more you will stay in indecision. Appreciate yourself when you do something that brings you joy. Busy is fine if it doesn’t cause you to feel overwhelmed, but the more important thing is to take actions that bring you closer to your values and joy. 

Get some rest and care for yourself. Self-care is an action step towards progress. Successful people know themselves well and put themselves first. When I finished my long bike ride this morning, I felt better about tackling my bullet journal list. 

Get help if you feel bogged down and overwhelmed. Having someone help you work through your inaction will help you get your brain out of stuck mode and move towards happiness. 

Now that I have this blog checked off my list, I will relax for the evening and spend some more time with my husband and my dogs. The remainder of the items will be there tomorrow.  I can feel happy and successful because I choose to.

Dr. Julie Cappel

“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” - Wayne Dyer.

“There is pain in staying the same and there is pain in changing. Pick the one that moves you forward.” ― Lee Rose & Kathleen McGhee-Anderson

Change in Thinking

Today I had a fantastic time visiting with my best friend, her family, my parents and sister, my husband, and my children from out of town. We had fun catching up and telling stories about our past adventures together. We laughed and ate and had a wonderful father’s day, which completely contrasted with something I heard while shopping yesterday. 

This interaction and the contrast with my day today reminded me of a previous blog about relationships. So I am reworking that blog again here for you tonight. 

 

Yesterday, I heard someone complain about one of their co-workers. I listened to them grumble about the other person’s personality, work ethic, and intelligence. They had an idea about how the person should behave, and it was not happening for them, so they felt frustrated, leading to complaining and gossip.

Complaining about a co-worker, family member, or friend is not a practical or productive exercise. Wouldn’t life be easier if we could accept and love everyone? What would your day be like if other people did not bother you but pleased you? What if every day was like today, and you enjoyed being with others?

It is totally up to you.

Your relationship with others is about how you choose to think about them. It has nothing to do with them or their behavior; your thoughts about them or their behavior determine your relationship. 

The first step towards accepting others is to learn about and understand yourself. We are all wired in different ways, and we all think differently. There are many tools to help you understand your personality and behavior styles.  I like Myers-Briggs and DISC, but there are many others that you can use. Through these tools, I know I am an extrovert who enjoys harmony and getting things done. I love days like today when I bring people together to socialize and build relationships. 

Once you understand yourself, you will have more capacity to look at others and understand their personality preferences. You will better appreciate their usefulness in your world and your relationship.

The second step towards acceptance is to let go of your script. We all have these scripts in our heads that we write for others. How we think they should behave. How do we think they should do their job. How we think they should treat others. The scripts keep us from allowing others to be. The truth is that adult people get to behave in any way they want, and nothing in our script can prevent them from doing exactly as they wish. Once you accept that, you can let go of your preconceived notions about their behavior and appreciate the things they do well. They have their plan, which has nothing to do with your script. 

The third step is practicing unconditional love. Once you accept yourself the way you are, you can move on to any self-improvement project without boundaries and the trappings of your past failure. You are free to explore anything that your heart desires. When you accept and love others unconditionally, your relationship is free of expectations. You no longer have to try to control their behavior because you realize that they are perfectly perfect the way they are. This does not mean that you have to put up with abusive behaviors. You can love someone and still set boundaries around yourself. If the other person violates your boundaries, you can let them go without guilt or anger. You can set them free and complete the relationship with love.

How you feel about another person is dependent on how you think of yourself and think of them.

“As you think, so shall you be! Your relationships are all in how you think about other people in your life.” Wayne Dyer

Dr. Julie Cappel

Do What Matters

It is Sunday evening, and I have not spent any time writing this blog or anything else. I have cleaned the house (a little), painted the front door, grocery shopped, walked the dogs, and connected with my family and friends. We ordered dinner out, so that is a big bonus, and now I feel pressed to write this blog for you. No one is forcing me to do it, but I promised myself that I would blog on Sunday evening to keep up with my writing skills and try to develop some coaching wisdom for my reader (you). I used to blog every Sunday, and I may do so again, but my life coach challenged me to skip a few weeks to challenge myself to focus on another project that I am working on. Blogging is part of my to-do list on Sunday, and that list is often very long. 

Did I get my whole to-do list done today? Nope. Did I get the blog written? Yes, if you are reading it now, I guess I did. Why am I feeling stressed about the things left on the to-do list? Because I think that I should have done more. This thought is very familiar; my brain offers it to me almost daily. 

Another interesting fact about today is that it is my birthday. So, what can I say about today? It was great! As I get older and another birthday comes and goes, I need to focus on what matters more than work and my to-do list. Those things are me, my family, and my friends.

The thought that I “should” do anything is totally optional. We waste a lot of time shaming ourselves over “shoulds.” Try to let that go and replace it with more encouraging thoughts like, maybe I did everything I wanted to do. I did the most important things today. The time I took out of my day to connect with family and friends is most important to me, so today was a practically perfect day. The fact that I survived another year is pretty cool too. I hope to keep that one going.

When you think about what you want to do each day, take time to plan some family and friend time. Text your kids, phone your parents, or invite a friend over for dinner. Work will always be available to you, with your to-do list that is a mile long. Time and connection with people you love and love you, will fade away if you don’t take some time to build those relationships. 

Plan to do what matters.

Dr. Julie Cappel

“The things that matter most must never be at the mercy of the things that matter least.” - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

“In the end, these thing matter most. How well did you love? How fully did you live? How deeply did you let go?” - Buddha

Focus In

“Focus on the journey, not the destination. Joy is found not in finishing an activity but in doing it.” Greg Anderson

This quote spoke to me this morning as I was preparing to write this blog. I tend to think that the weekends are for accomplishment and not self-care or rest. How much can I get done? I have a to-do list as long as my arm and as a new week begins, I feel overwhelmed as the list of things unaccomplished hangs over my head.  

For example, today, I planned to get some flowers planted in my yard, but it is raining outside. This is disappointing. Hopefully, it will clear up this afternoon so that I can plant, but I can choose to feel happy anyway. I also wanted to exercise, and I had my heart set on a long bike ride, but there is the rain, and my hip is bothering me from last week’s ride; I feel as if I am missing out by resting or staying indoors.  

What would my life coach say? Good thing I have a life coach easily accessible, wink. I will share with you the advice that I am offering to myself, just on the off chance that you are feeling overwhelmed this week.

When you feel overwhelmed with life, the best thing you can do is “focus in” on yourself. I mean being present in the moment and present with yourself - feeling grounded and getting reacquainted with your wants and needs. Focus on what you want, not just what your family, society, or workplace expects from you.  

Am I overwhelmed because I have thoughts that I “should’ be productive? Do I need flowers today, or do I want to have the pleasure of choosing and planting them? There is a difference, and planting to make my neighbors think my house looks great is a different goal than I want to plant because I enjoy it.

When you are overwhelmed, focus in on your self-care plan, or if you don’t have one, make one. Healthy foods, sleep, relaxation, reading, or meditation will help you feel less stressed by that giant to-do list. With my hip upset by biking, what else can I do to accomplish my exercise goal? Maybe a little yoga? That sounds nice, or maybe I can just rest.  Self-care is much more critical than any line item on my list.  

Take a break from self-judgment. It is a reality that we all have days when we are not feeling strong, and then we are required to slow down and focus on getting healthy by resting or whatever it takes to care for our body. Practice a little compassion and love for yourself.

Do something that you enjoy to help get yourself back on track. I may be feeling overwhelmed by my thoughts on my to-do list, but if I schedule a break into my day and do something that I love, I will have a better attitude when I face my list. Overwhelm does not inspire action, but a relaxed, rejuvenated mind will. Take a walk, clear your head, then work on one thing on that list, staying present in the activity.

Do not compare yourself to others. Comparison is a big one for me. I have this competitive thought that everyone is more productive and focused than I am. The comparison game is not helpful. Remember the story of the tortoise and the hare? Slow and steady wins the race, creates focused action, and eliminates stress. When I put the social media away and decide to focus on the life in front of me, I am living with much more joy.

Remember to honor your values and make sure you are living “focused in” on them. Do not trade your life for your to-do list.

It has stopped raining, so maybe I will enjoy some planting today or maybe I will focus on rest.

Dr. Julie Cappel

“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you ever have. Make the NOW the primary focus of your life.” Eckhart Tolle

Celebrate All Mothers

Today is Mother’s Day, and I am happy to say that it was a sunny, beautiful day here in Michigan. Trees are blooming, and flowers are popping up all over, the perfect kind of day to celebrate. Spring is finally here, so I am optimistic about the summer ahead.

As I think about and celebrate Mother’s Day, I feel joy for children and parents that have healthy relationships and feel happy on this day of appreciation for Motherhood. I also feel empathy for those that do not have a reason to celebrate. Children that have lost parents or those that have poor relationships with their mothers. Many people may feel grief on this day.

I have two incredible children, which makes me a fortunate Mom indeed. They are why I do everything, and I would step in front of a bullet for them. I cannot imagine my life without my kids, and I know how blessed I am to have them. I also have an amazing mother (who would probably take a bullet for me), and today I got to spend Mother’s Day with her.

 

It would be a perfect world if all mothers felt loved the way I do, but sadly that is not the case. 

On this day, I want to offer support to and celebrate all mothers and all children of mothers that do not necessarily feel loved on this day in May. They are all superheroes regardless of their situations, so let’s honor all mothers today.

Let’s celebrate mothers like mine, who had their children as teenagers and raised them with their spouses while working multiple jobs to make ends meet. They raised children as they were growing up themselves, and they struggled to work or put themselves through college while staying committed to raising their families. 

Celebrate working mothers like me who juggle careers, run businesses, keep homes, and struggle with those nagging feelings of guilt that seem to come along with working Motherhood.

Celebrate birth mothers, like my husband’s, that gave up their children for adoption as infants hoping to gift them a better life than they had to offer. These mothers may have never gotten to know their children’s outcomes, and they spend their lives hoping that they did right by giving them up for adoption. 

Let’s also celebrate moms by adoption (also like my husband’s) who choose to adopt and raise a child that was not their own, loving and treating them like birth children, including stepmoms that marry into and run blended families. Stepmoms may share custody of their children with other moms, which adds another increased pressure. 

Celebrate mothers who suffer the loss of children to miscarriage, genetic defects, or birth accidents. They carry love for their unborn children and mourn them for life. Mothers of loss love their children as fiercely as if they held them in their arms and carry them forever in their hearts.

Let’s celebrate and support the mothers that lose children to accident, disease, or mental illness. Those moms are left with a hole in their hearts where their child once was, and they mourn that horrific loss for the rest of their lives. They miss the potential future they will never experience but hold on to precious memories of their beloved child.

Celebrate potential mothers. Those who long to raise children and cannot experience Motherhood for one reason or another. Potential mothers may take on the responsibility of mentoring children that are not their own, becoming mothers in their hearts.

And lastly, let’s celebrate the pet mothers. They are the people that give us our careers as veterinarians, and they share an unconditional love for the voiceless, dogs, cats, horses, birds, and other creatures that we adore. 

As this day comes to a close and passes, try to remember that mothers are superheroes without the cape. Please thank and celebrate all mothers, offer them the love and support they deserve, and thank them for all they do and all they are.

Happy Mother’s Day everyone! 

I love you, Mom!!

Dr. Julie Cappel

“[Motherhood is] the biggest gamble in the world. It is the glorious life force. It’s huge and scary – it’s an act of infinite optimism.” — GILDA RADNER.

“Making a decision to have a child–it’s momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” – ELIZABETH STONE.

Grief Teaches Us

This weekend we lost a close family friend to heart disease. It was not unexpected as she had lived with a failing heart for the past few years. Expected but still devastating for her family and friends, who will miss her presence every day. Sadly, I will not attend her memorial service tomorrow as I am in California on a trip with my husband to visit our son and his girlfriend and meet her family and friends. I will be there in spirit with the grieving family as they mourn the loss of their mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, and dear friend. 

When life brings us grief, whether it is the loss of a family member or close friend, we are left with a broken heart and a void in our life. The void once contained a loving relationship, and all the feelings and memories we shared with the person lost. 

Our grief will be felt and processed, and through that processing,  we may be reminded that we have lessons to learn and changes to make in our lives. 

We may learn to appreciate our friends and family more. If you look around and realize that there are people in your life that you are taking for granted or have not seen in a while, you may be reminded to reach out to them and spend more time with those you love. Little moments count.

You may realize that life is short, and you need to appreciate your small blessings. You may quit wasting time worrying about little problems or minor disappointments. You may choose not to dwell on mistakes and learn to move on.

You may make changes that reignite your passions in life so you do not miss the time you do have to enjoy. Grief may be carried forward while creating more joy in your life. Both negative and positive emotions may co-exist.  

You may learn to simplify your life. You let go of grudges, envy, and anxiety. You may learn to replace those negative emotions with more gratitude and love. Gratitude is a daily practice that will turn your life in a more positive, optimistic direction.

You may learn to remain present daily and see your life for what it is. You may work harder to get what you want from your life and do what it takes to create your dreams. Grief is not weakness; it creates an ability to be present. It creates more strength. 

You may realize the importance of your memories and the value of appreciating your time with loved ones. Take more photos, share more meals, and create more experience with those that you love. Grief can help you create new and stronger relationships with those still here.  

Check-in with yourself today and reach out to someone special to you. Making relationships a daily practice will increase the beauty and love in your life. 

Dr. Julie Cappel

“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.”― Jamie Anderson.