Explore your limiting beliefs.

Do you have a limiting belief about yourself or the world around you? Most of us do. Do you think you lack something or the world is working against you? We have ideas or stories that we tell ourselves about who we are and why we are not getting what we want in life. They are often subconscious, and we may be unaware of them. They may be a result of our upbringing or something someone told us as a child. 

As I work with veterinary professionals as a life coach, I learn more about the limiting beliefs that we all have.  

A limiting belief is "a thought or state of mind that you think is the absolute truth and stops you from doing certain things."

We are naturally wired to avoid pain and seek pleasure, so we are drawn into these limiting beliefs because they feel safe and secure. They keep us from pushing up against our comfort zone. Many of my coaching clients feel limited by the belief that veterinarians can't earn a lot of money or they cannot achieve work/life balance. Some think they will not be excellent clinicians because they need to be more confident in their medicine or surgical skills. The limiting belief is that they are not "ready" or "smart enough" to practice veterinary medicine with excellence. 

These stories are precisely the things that keep us from doing and becoming all that we want to be. 

What are your limiting beliefs? Do you think, "I don't have time, I don't have enough talent, I am not worthy, or I don't deserve success"?

In truth, we all have unlimited potential, and our beliefs are the things that hold us back from getting what we want. Life coaches are valuable because they help point out our limiting beliefs and teach us what we do to our lives by keeping them.

To help uncover your own limiting beliefs, ask yourself some questions. How do I feel about myself, my time, my job, my money, and my life? If any of your answers to these questions sound negative, self-destructive, or keep you from taking action, you need to work on your beliefs. 

If you think you are untalented, unworthy, or "out of your league," you probably have a fear of failure. You may be comparing yourself to others or seeing some vision of perfection in the media. To overcome this negative self-talk tendency, start by being aware of how you talk to yourself. Notice the little digs and write them down so you create awareness about how you are hurting yourself. Then practice changing those thoughts into something you might tell a loved friend or relative. Practice showering yourself with affirmations until some of them start to stick. 

If you think you don't have time to get what you want, remember that we all have the same amount of hours in the day, but we all have different priorities. Try to think about the most important things you want or need and schedule them first. Do not use the excuse that you don't have time, but make the time to start working to get them done.

If you want to gain more talent to do a great job in veterinary medicine, start thinking about working to be better each day. We all have a tendency towards impostor syndrome. I have been in this profession for over thirty years and still doubt myself. We all are a work in progress, and we become better by practicing. If you focus on the things you want to learn, open up to accepting help from your colleagues, and put in the effort, you will become everything you dream of being and more. 

Take some time to become aware of your limiting beliefs and do the work needed to begin to let them go. As you do, you will uncover your unlimited potential and begin to soar.

Dr. Julie Cappel

You are allowed to be both a masterpiece and a work in progress. – Sophia Bush

Autumn Brings Change, and Change is Hard.

As I was riding my bike today in the cool (almost cold) autumn wind, I thought about how hard change is for all of us. Autumn reminds me of the changing seasons and that winter and holidays are coming up fast. So many things change this time of year; a new school year starts, football games, and everything is pumpkin spice. A few weeks ago in Michigan, it was 80 degrees as I was riding, and now it is in the high 50s. 

Change is hard.

I have several clients I am currently coaching through times of change, and they struggle with their decisions and the fear of significant life change. Fear of choosing wrong. Fear of new experiences. I am getting ready to change how I work, a significant life change for me. I feel the stress of that change, even though it is exciting and wanted. Change feels hard, but it is something that we all strive for because through change comes growth and progress. 

So why is change so difficult?  

Because we are comfortable where we are, even if you desire change, you feel the pressure of pushing against your comfort zone. We all want to stay where we are because it feels easy, and our brain likes it easy. It is easier to sit on the couch and eat chips than get outside and exercise. But, if you sit on the couch and eat chips, your life does not get easier. You get fat, lazy, and depressed, which is the opposite of easy. That is why we need to embrace change. 

When facing a decision involving change, first expect to feel some negative emotions. Sometimes, you may even feel confused. Too many choices will confuse you and cause you to sit in indecision - you will feel stuck. Getting out of that confusion will require you to narrow your choices to one or two priorities. I like to list all the things I want, then choose the top two priorities; narrowing my choices feels less overwhelming. For example, suppose you're going to get healthier. That may mean changing your diet, exercising more, increasing water consumption, decreasing sugary drinks, giving up dessert, and stopping drinking alcohol. You feel overwhelmed when you think of all these changes to your routine. If you can narrow it down to one simple yet meaningful change, you will be better able to start. Just vow to exchange one sugar drink for one water, or start walking for 10 minutes a day. Narrowing and simplifying your choices is a great way to make change more palatable. Once you have the small change down, make another.

If you face a significant life change, spend some time thinking about why you want to change. Why will this change be good for you? Write down the top three most important reasons for making a change and the top three reasons that not changing will be detrimental. Showing yourself why change is necessary is the first step in creating a significant change decision. Visualize yourself already living in your new situation. How does that person (you) feel? 

Autumn is a time of change, so take a few minutes this week to ask yourself what change you avoid because of indecision or fear. Once you answer that question, choose something to work on and embrace your change. Enjoy your autumn, and let it remind you that change is healthy and essential for personal growth. 

Enjoy a football game, crisp walk, pumpkin spice latte, or caramel apple, too.  Happy autumn to you!

Dr. Julie Cappel

Challenges make life better.

I was thinking this week about why veterinarians do what we do. 

It was a rather rough week at the veterinary hospital; an unexpected complex diagnosis for a dog in for a simple procedure, counseling the family of an elderly dog struggling with a euthanasia decision, and the unexpected death of a long-time patient made it particularly emotionally challenging for us all. Not every week is like this, but when one hits, I understand why our profession is in trouble concerning our mental health. 

When I think of these challenges, I wonder if there is a better way to see them, and if so, how can we welcome them? What things do challenges bring us that are worthwhile?

In the book 12 Rules for Life, Jordan Peterson teaches us rule number seven. “Pursue what is meaningful, not what is expedient.” 

Our tendency, based on our natural motivations, is to do what conserves energy and maintains our safety. That is the primary function of our primitive brain. However, we have all felt the deep urge to stretch ourselves to do something outside of our comfort zone to create pride, a reward. This urge goes in direct opposition to our primitive brain. Why? Challenges bring meaning, purpose, and joy to our higher brain.  

You will feel good in the moment, safe, and comfortable when you take the easy way. It is the lazy way to be. Have you ever laid on the couch all day, eating and watching movies? It feels great for the day, but if you stayed there for a week, you would certainly end up in a cloud of depression and feelings of uselessness. There is no challenge or purpose in that activity.  

A meaningful life comes from pursuing challenges that create a better living for self, family, and others. Purpose creates meaning, and the only way to make that is through some level of sacrifice. To run a marathon, you must sacrifice your time and energy by running many miles and training daily. Laying on the couch will not get you there.

Veterinary medicine requires sacrificing your time and emotion to help people and animals in their time of need. We create value with difficulty, not with ease. Just like working your muscles to become stronger, we practice veterinary medicine to improve. We stretch, learn, fail, grow, and feel more fulfilled for the struggle. The joy in completing a difficult day is in the feeling of accomplishment if we choose to see it that way.  

Choosing the responsibility and embracing the difficulty of treating patients is what purpose in life is all about. If you feel discouraged in veterinary medicine, try to focus on the rewards of the job. You build mental muscle and value in everything you do for your patients, clients, and, most importantly yourself. Choose challenge to make your life better.

Dr. Julie Cappel

“The more difficult the journey, the sweeter the reward.” - Erin Andrews

Stop getting in your way when it comes to goals.

Many of us struggle when it comes to goal setting and accomplishing the things we want in life. We want something that we think is important or something that will make us happy, but we don’t follow through. We fail to take the steps that it requires to accomplish that goal. Ironically, one of the main reasons we quit on ourselves is because we fear the discomfort of change and the feeling of failure that may come when we don’t achieve the goal.

If you think you are unique in setting goal after goal and failing, you are not. Most people want things they never get because they are unwilling to take the steps that cause the pain needed to get to their goal. Our brains are wired for this naturally; it is called the motivational triad. The motivational triad is three things; seek pleasure, avoid pain, and conserve energy. Animals and humans were all designed with these three motivations to keep them safe and alive. 

To accomplish big goals, there are things you can do to overcome the motivational triad.

Choose your goal wisely and specifically. To overcome your primitive brain, you must have an intensely compelling reason to shoot for your goal. It is not enough to say you want to lose ten pounds because as soon as you see a donut, your need to seek pleasure will kick in, and you will ultimately eat that donut. If you want to set a wise goal to lose ten pounds, you have to have a compelling reason, like you want to add years to your life, or you want to be able to play sports with your children and not collapse. You must want it bad enough that the pain of not getting there overcomes your need for pleasure.

 

Make a plan and commitment to the goal. To start working on your goal, you must break it into steps and be deliberate with your time. You will need a detailed plan of how your time will be spent each day working on your goal. Making the plan is vital, but following it is critical. When you sit down to attend to your project, your mind will tell you to check your phone, eat a snack, watch some Netflix, or visit the bathroom. Your brain will try to foil your efforts because it is fighting against the discomfort you are feeling. Stand firm and keep to your plan. Realize that when your brain tells you to stray, you can control it. You have a higher brain to keep that primitive brain in check. Tell it to quiet down and let you get to work.

 

Make solid decisions, and don’t look back. While working on a goal, many of us agonize over simple choices instead of just making a choice and moving on. If you make the “wrong” decision, you can chalk it up to a learning experience and make a better one the next time—no big deal. Do not beat yourself up, and do not quit; move on to the next step and try again. The only people who fail to succeed are those that quit.

Embrace a little discomfort. The discomfort that you feel as you work through your goal is the pathway to your success. You will ultimately give up unless you vow to feel a little uncomfortable on purpose. Fear is painful, but not getting what you want in life is worse. Face up to your fear and work to make things happen.  

Now get it!

Dr. Julie Cappel

“Every champion was once a contender who refused to give up.” – Rocky Balboa

Join me on The Veterinary Life Coach Podcast!!

Puppies help solve for stress.

This week my dog Trent was scheduled for a routine dental cleaning, so he could not eat his Tuesday morning breakfast in preparation for general anesthesia. Trent is an eleven-year-old sheltie, and if you know anything about shelties, you know that they love food more than anything else in the world. Trent has a schedule that includes waking me up early, going outside for a brief moment, then demanding that I make his breakfast. Tuesday, he was confused that I did not wait on him when he barked for his food; then, when he realized that he was going to work with me, Trent hid behind a chair. Trent hates the veterinary hospital, mainly because it usually means getting groomed or spending the day waiting for me in a kennel. I think that I can safely say that Trent felt stressed on Tuesday. 

There is no doubt that veterinary hospitals are stressful and sometimes rushed and confusing. It is stressful for the dogs and also for us. The days may go smoothly or, more often, feel hectic and overwhelming. We deal with some very complex problems that require intense investigation, high levels of empathy, and more than a bit of patience. Like Trent, our days do not always go the way with think they should. When the days bring about stress, it pays to look for the little joys that come with each day. Tuesday afternoon brought puppies - we sometimes get to relieve stress with puppies.

There are other ways to deal with the stress until the puppies show up.

When something makes you feel stressed, start by identifying your thoughts about the stressful event. We usually feel stress just by thinking negative thoughts about the things that could go wrong. You might worry that a client will be angry when you are running late; in reality, they may be happy to wait and never say a word about it. The negative thoughts create all the unnecessary stress before you walk into the exam room.

Vow to look for solutions to the specific problem. When you go into problem-solving mode rather than worry mode, you will likely stay calm and solve the problem without causing stress. Think of a few solutions even if you are unsure of the results. Do not judge yourself if you feel a bit stressed, go back to brainstorming solutions until you feel calmer. Coming up with a few good solutions to offer to the client, not struggling for the ideal solution will allow you to be more openminded and flexible when it comes to collaborative decisions with your client. 

Accept that stress is a normal feeling. Your body creates stress to keep your mind sharp and you on your toes. A little stress may be good, but constant stress harms your health. If you can adjust your thinking to keep yourself calmer, your mind will be able to make a solid and clear decision as you move throughout your day.  When you feel high stress, take a moment and focus your mind either with a short meditation or self-care break.

Remember that your workday will offer you ups and downs, and you can handle all the emotions. Take a small break or ask for help if you feel overwhelmed. Try to look forward to the happy parts of veterinary medicine, the kind and grateful clients, the pets you save or cure, and the puppies (or kittens). Please take full advantage of the puppies when you see them. Hug them, take photos, and play with them on the floor. You will be better for it.

Dr. Julie Cappel and Trent. 

“Stop seeking out the storms and enjoy more fully the sunlight.” ― Gordon B. Hinckley.

I don’t feel like it.

Last Sunday was the day I was supposed to write my blog. I used to do it every Sunday, so it was a habit. I never missed a Sunday for over four years. This summer, I decided to back off and write every other week. It was a choice to ease up a little on myself and spend that time working on other business-related tasks. Last week I got stuck in procrastination and did not blog. 

I am writing last Sunday’s blog, so I missed a week. Why? Not because I didn’t have the time, I did. In fact, I did very little writing this week because I was working and feeling a bit off. Maybe the after-effects of the Covid that I had a few weeks ago. I was unmotivated and a bit discouraged about my busy work week. I was unmotivated, feeling lethargic, and did not bother to honor myself by writing.  

So, today I am writing about motivation as a message to myself and you. You can do anything with the right motivation and the tools to understand procrastination. 

Procrastination is something that most of us do. We drag our feet and distract ourselves when we know that there is something else that we should be doing. Avoiding work or procrastination usually comes from the thought that tasks will be difficult or painful. Another thought that often keeps us stuck in procrastination is that we don’t have time. When you are busy scrolling through Instagram or TickTock, you are probably avoiding something else you want to get done. 

So when you catch yourself procrastinating, try a few tricks to get motivated. Start by thinking about your values and priorities. If I know I have twenty things to do today; I will most likely avoid getting started because my brain thinks it is too much. If I make my list first, then choose the most important thing - the priority - I will be more likely to start on that one. It goes back to knowing your “why .”If you have a solid reason to do something, it becomes your priority, and then you can focus on that one thing. Focusing on one priority at a time helps you avoid the overwhelming feelings that cause you to procrastinate. Starting on one goal and one small step allows you to create motivation to get it done. Today this blog was my goal.

Once you have chosen your priority, decide how long it might take to finish. If you don’t know, guess and set aside that time to work on it. For example, if my priority is to pull weeds in my yard, and I guess it will take an hour, I can start weeding, set the timer for an hour, and see how far I have gone. If I want to work longer, I can, but at least with the timer running, I focus and know that there is an end in sight. The task seems more manageable when I know I only have to do it for an hour. If I get it all done, great! If not, I can reschedule it for another day or work another hour to finish.

Expect negative emotions. If you expect to feel uncomfortable, you will be more able to handle the uncomfortable feeling that comes with a heavy schedule. Practice makes perfect when it comes to feeling uncomfortable on purpose. I always feel resistance when I start to write. “You don’t have a great idea,” my brain tells me, or the most common one, “I don’t feel like writing.” Those negative thoughts and emotions allow me to procrastinate. Sitting with the blank page in front of me and listening to my brain’s excuses, I start to type, eventually resulting in something on the page. I create motivation by feeling and overcoming my negative thoughts and emotions. 

My last tip for you today is to get someone to hold you accountable for your goals. When I am very stuck, it helps to talk to my life coach or my husband, and I ask them to help me understand what keeps me from accomplishing my goals. Sometimes just having someone outside yourself helps teach you about yourself. Your coach will give you the kick in the pants you need to get motivated and moving. 

This blog is complete because I took the time to get over my week-long procrastination and created a little motivation to get it off my to-do list. Now I must face the rest of my busy week. The motivation I created to get this writing done will help carry me through to get to everything else on my list. I challenge you to finish this read, make your to-do list, then work to get started on the priority. 

Get something done and create motivation to carry you through your week, even if you don’t feel like it.

Dr. Julie Cappel

“The secret of getting ahead is getting started.” - Mark Twain.

Gratitude and Music

Last weekend I was lucky to have the time and ability to drive 540 miles to a beautiful little town called Marion, Kentucky. Marion is a tiny town in western Kentucky with a population of just under 3000. The city covers 3.4 square miles in the center of a large area of Amish farmland; the sixty minutes of winding roads before you arrive are all rolling hills, farm animals, and fields. Marion, Kentucky, is a part of the country I would have never experienced except for the rare opportunity that arose from my daughter singing at Foh’s Theatre with a rock-opera group called The Tapestry.

Described on their website as “Queen meets Pavarotti,” the tapestry is a high-octane fusion of the best music of opera and rock. I have had many opportunities to experience live music (both of my children are professional musicians), and this show was one of my favorites. The group is a combination of professional opera singers and talented rock musicians. The music combined was clever, engaging, and so entertaining. The experience made me feel grateful for my talented daughter and amazing life.  

When I work with many of my life coaching clients, we often talk about gratitude and its benefits to our overall mental health. Studies have shown that giving and receiving appreciation can increase dopamine and serotonin levels, creating less anxiety and depression. People who practice gratitude daily experience better sleep, more optimism, positive emotion, and more significant progress towards their goals. As I was reading up on the health benefits of music while researching for this blog, I was surprised to read that they were very similar to the benefits of practicing gratitude. Listening to and appreciating music is similar to adopting a gratitude practice in your life.  

Just like the combination of rock and opera, we can combine gratitude with music to help us unlock our feelings of well-being. I find that very fascinating and something that we can all use to help us to feel better. 

So, This week look for things to be grateful for in your life, even if it is difficult at first. The exercise may feel strained, but as you practice, you will feel yourself opening up to better feelings of stability as you give and receive gratitude. Also, remember that music can crack open those feelings, so if you are having trouble thinking of things to be grateful for, listen to some favorite music and appreciate the emotions it brings. Be sure to listen to something that soothes or makes you feel joyful.  Better yet, practice writing in your gratitude journal while listening to your favorite music.  The combination will certainly open up your mind to appreciate your life. 

Dr. Julie Cappel

“Acknowledging the good that you already have in your life is the foundation for all abundance.”—Eckhart Tolle

Tired Body, Happy Mind

Over last weekend, I went for a long bicycle ride with a couple of friends on the Macomb Orchard Trail.  I love this trail as it has options for long rides and several small-town destinations.  There are places to stop to take photos, and the shaded trail is well maintained and beautiful.  My friend Karen is a more hard-core rider than I am, so I always know when I go for a ride with her, it will be longer than I usually go on my own.  I love her can-do spirit and her ability to enjoy the entire process and the fabulous scenery.  She often stops to take photos and selfies; as you can see, I have shared some here in this blog.  In the pictures are Karen, Colleen, and I on the ride. 

We rode 30 miles, ten to fifteen miles more than I usually ride on any given day.  The day was pure sunshine, cloudless blue sky, a cool breeze, and comfortable riding conditions.  We met at our local bike shop near the trail entrance and took off around ten o’clock AM.  The ride was excellent, we stopped a few times to take photos, use the restroom, and buy water and snacks at a local store, so it was an enjoyable day. 

When I returned home more than four hours later, I quickly showered, got ready, and went to a graduation party.  After the graduation party, I was exhausted.  Not sleepy, but that kind of tiredness that tells me I may have overdone it a little with my great workout.  My muscles were drained of energy, and I knew I would be sore in the next twenty-four to forty-eight hours.  I love that tired feeling.  “Good pain,” my high school volleyball coach said.  My kid’s fencing coach would tell them, “Pain is weakness leaving the body.”  

As I was lying on the couch, watching television with the weakness leaving my body, I started to think about how important exercise is to our physical and mental health.

According to the CDC website: “Some benefits of physical activity on brain health happen right after a session of moderate-to-vigorous physical activity.  Benefits include improved thinking or cognition for children and reduced short-term feelings of anxiety for adults.  Regular physical activity can help keep your thinking, learning, and judgment skills sharp as you age.  It can also reduce your risk of depression and anxiety and help you sleep better.”

The Mayo Clinic sites research that says that exercising boosts your energy levels by increasing the oxygen-carrying capacity of your heart and lungs.  More oxygen helps your muscles and brain work better, increasing your ability to handle daily tasks and stressful emotions.  

Immediately after a long ride, I feel tired as my muscles rest and restore, but soon after, I have more energy to tackle tasks than I do on days I don’t get exercise.  Short exercise sessions clear your head and help you focus on things you want to do.  Just taking a brisk walk around the block will help you reduce your stress levels and help you let go of some of your worrying thoughts. 

Last week I was working with one of my coaching clients, and we were talking about stress management techniques and things we can do to manage stress before it reaches anxiety level.  We started to talk about our likes and dislikes regarding exercise.  I told her that exercise is one of the best ways to clear your head and manage stress.  Doing something you like is even better, but you don’t have to love exercise to choose something and just do it.  (Thanks, Nike)  

So, spend a little time this week thinking about the activities that are available to you.  Do you like to walk, hike, dance, or do yoga?  If you tell me you don’t like any exercise, I will challenge you to choose one anyway.  Whether you currently exercise or not, take a vow to add one thing into your daily routine.  It can be as simple as taking a short walk at lunch or as complex as dance classes, or interval training with a professional trainer.  Commit to one activity to help you improve your body and change your mind into one that handles stress just a little bit better.  

When you feel the physical pain, think of it as stress leaving your body.  

Dr. Julie Cappel

“When you exercise, it increases endorphins, dopamine, adrenaline and endocannabinoid — these are all brain chemicals associated with feeling happy, feeling confident, feeling capable, feeling less anxiety and stress and even less physical pain.” - Dr. Kelly McGonical

Stuck in Busy

Like many other mornings, today I sat down to drink my coffee and make my bullet journal list of the things I wanted to accomplish. As I wrote, it occurred to me that I frequently judge the success of my day based on the number of things I can check off on my lengthy to-do list. 

Why do I do this when I know that being busy does not equal happiness or success?

When I think about the people I admire and consider successful, I think of those who are free and generous with their time and money. People who know their priorities and spend time doing things that matter to them. People that live to serve their families and help others. I feel most successful and settled in my life when I care for myself and contribute to someone else, either by connecting with friends or family, life coaching my clients to feel better, or helping pet owners make their pets feel better. My time and dedication to myself and others are what feel most authentic and successful to me. So, why the morning list?

Society teaches us that collecting material things and listing accomplishments is what makes people most happy and successful. However, we can prove that this is not true as we accumulate things or accomplishments and find ourselves wanting more. 

Have you ever felt stuck thinking that you are “too busy”?

The feeling that comes from thinking of the long list of tasks causes our brain to become overwhelmed with stress. When our brain feels overwhelmed, it tries to protect us from pain and shuts down. Then we turn to distraction and pleasure to avoid our to-dos. Now we are stuck in inaction getting nothing done except maybe watching Netflix or eating a package of Oreos. Those actions do not bring joy or success.

Feeling stuck is a function of your thoughts about your current circumstances. You may be overwhelmed with work stress, adverse life events, or pressure to make big decisions—the chronic stress will cause you to retreat into yourself and stop moving. You may begin comparing yourself to others you think are accomplishing great things and shaming yourself. That shame is not a motivating emotion. When you feel that you are stepping out of your comfort zone, you will feel fear that also holds you back. Perfectionism will also keep you stuck.

How can you become unstuck from busy?

Start by identifying what you truly want. Who are the essential people in your life, and are you prioritizing them? What do you want to do? What is your next big goal? Work on your mindset about your priorities so you can begin to place the most important things at the top of the list. Challenge the thoughts that make you feel stuck. Today I spent time talking to my cousin and son and texting with my daughter. I spent time concentrating on those relationships as my priority before crossing anything off the to-do list.

Just take one small action step. Sometimes just starting with a little effort will motivate you to do more if you have a big goal you have been avoiding. Don’t beat yourself up for feeling stuck. The more you shame yourself, the more you will stay in indecision. Appreciate yourself when you do something that brings you joy. Busy is fine if it doesn’t cause you to feel overwhelmed, but the more important thing is to take actions that bring you closer to your values and joy. 

Get some rest and care for yourself. Self-care is an action step towards progress. Successful people know themselves well and put themselves first. When I finished my long bike ride this morning, I felt better about tackling my bullet journal list. 

Get help if you feel bogged down and overwhelmed. Having someone help you work through your inaction will help you get your brain out of stuck mode and move towards happiness. 

Now that I have this blog checked off my list, I will relax for the evening and spend some more time with my husband and my dogs. The remainder of the items will be there tomorrow.  I can feel happy and successful because I choose to.

Dr. Julie Cappel

“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” - Wayne Dyer.

“There is pain in staying the same and there is pain in changing. Pick the one that moves you forward.” ― Lee Rose & Kathleen McGhee-Anderson

Change in Thinking

Today I had a fantastic time visiting with my best friend, her family, my parents and sister, my husband, and my children from out of town. We had fun catching up and telling stories about our past adventures together. We laughed and ate and had a wonderful father’s day, which completely contrasted with something I heard while shopping yesterday. 

This interaction and the contrast with my day today reminded me of a previous blog about relationships. So I am reworking that blog again here for you tonight. 

 

Yesterday, I heard someone complain about one of their co-workers. I listened to them grumble about the other person’s personality, work ethic, and intelligence. They had an idea about how the person should behave, and it was not happening for them, so they felt frustrated, leading to complaining and gossip.

Complaining about a co-worker, family member, or friend is not a practical or productive exercise. Wouldn’t life be easier if we could accept and love everyone? What would your day be like if other people did not bother you but pleased you? What if every day was like today, and you enjoyed being with others?

It is totally up to you.

Your relationship with others is about how you choose to think about them. It has nothing to do with them or their behavior; your thoughts about them or their behavior determine your relationship. 

The first step towards accepting others is to learn about and understand yourself. We are all wired in different ways, and we all think differently. There are many tools to help you understand your personality and behavior styles.  I like Myers-Briggs and DISC, but there are many others that you can use. Through these tools, I know I am an extrovert who enjoys harmony and getting things done. I love days like today when I bring people together to socialize and build relationships. 

Once you understand yourself, you will have more capacity to look at others and understand their personality preferences. You will better appreciate their usefulness in your world and your relationship.

The second step towards acceptance is to let go of your script. We all have these scripts in our heads that we write for others. How we think they should behave. How do we think they should do their job. How we think they should treat others. The scripts keep us from allowing others to be. The truth is that adult people get to behave in any way they want, and nothing in our script can prevent them from doing exactly as they wish. Once you accept that, you can let go of your preconceived notions about their behavior and appreciate the things they do well. They have their plan, which has nothing to do with your script. 

The third step is practicing unconditional love. Once you accept yourself the way you are, you can move on to any self-improvement project without boundaries and the trappings of your past failure. You are free to explore anything that your heart desires. When you accept and love others unconditionally, your relationship is free of expectations. You no longer have to try to control their behavior because you realize that they are perfectly perfect the way they are. This does not mean that you have to put up with abusive behaviors. You can love someone and still set boundaries around yourself. If the other person violates your boundaries, you can let them go without guilt or anger. You can set them free and complete the relationship with love.

How you feel about another person is dependent on how you think of yourself and think of them.

“As you think, so shall you be! Your relationships are all in how you think about other people in your life.” Wayne Dyer

Dr. Julie Cappel

Do What Matters

It is Sunday evening, and I have not spent any time writing this blog or anything else. I have cleaned the house (a little), painted the front door, grocery shopped, walked the dogs, and connected with my family and friends. We ordered dinner out, so that is a big bonus, and now I feel pressed to write this blog for you. No one is forcing me to do it, but I promised myself that I would blog on Sunday evening to keep up with my writing skills and try to develop some coaching wisdom for my reader (you). I used to blog every Sunday, and I may do so again, but my life coach challenged me to skip a few weeks to challenge myself to focus on another project that I am working on. Blogging is part of my to-do list on Sunday, and that list is often very long. 

Did I get my whole to-do list done today? Nope. Did I get the blog written? Yes, if you are reading it now, I guess I did. Why am I feeling stressed about the things left on the to-do list? Because I think that I should have done more. This thought is very familiar; my brain offers it to me almost daily. 

Another interesting fact about today is that it is my birthday. So, what can I say about today? It was great! As I get older and another birthday comes and goes, I need to focus on what matters more than work and my to-do list. Those things are me, my family, and my friends.

The thought that I “should” do anything is totally optional. We waste a lot of time shaming ourselves over “shoulds.” Try to let that go and replace it with more encouraging thoughts like, maybe I did everything I wanted to do. I did the most important things today. The time I took out of my day to connect with family and friends is most important to me, so today was a practically perfect day. The fact that I survived another year is pretty cool too. I hope to keep that one going.

When you think about what you want to do each day, take time to plan some family and friend time. Text your kids, phone your parents, or invite a friend over for dinner. Work will always be available to you, with your to-do list that is a mile long. Time and connection with people you love and love you, will fade away if you don’t take some time to build those relationships. 

Plan to do what matters.

Dr. Julie Cappel

“The things that matter most must never be at the mercy of the things that matter least.” - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

“In the end, these thing matter most. How well did you love? How fully did you live? How deeply did you let go?” - Buddha