The Benefits of Friendship

Last weekend I spent time with some old friends. Not “old” people, but friends I have had for a long time. When I say “old friends,” I guess I mean true friends. True friends are people you know well and feel very comfortable with, even when you don’t interact often. True friends share your history and understand your personality quirks and flaws. They are the people that love you unconditionally.

Spending time with these ladies over the years, through dog training/showing, raising children, and now bike riding and scrapbooking/crafting weekends, has brought me much joy and security. It is vital to our mental and physical health as humans to have friends. The number of friends is less important than the quality of the friendships. Those friendships require work and attention to flourish and for us to reap the benefits.

In her book, Friendship: The Evolution, Biology, and Extraordinary Power of Life’s Fundamental Bond, science journalist Lydia Denworth says, “…research suggests that friendships can help us find purpose and meaning, stay healthy, and live longer.” The care and keeping of close personal relationships is a habit that we want to develop to live longer and stay healthier. Keeping these healthy relationships may take time out of our busy schedules, but they are vital to building a better life.

What are some recommendations for fostering healthy friendships?

Do not neglect your friends when you are busy. Take time and make time to connect. When tied up with work, family, and children, it is easy to forget that our friends are important and require a connection. Reach out to them via phone call or text message and tell them you are thinking of them. Schedule time to get together with your friends to have fun. The relationships grow stronger as you share experiences.

 

If your friends are work friends, get together outside of work and discuss something other than work issues. We tend to vent with our work associates, but constant work talk will keep the friendships surface-level and not allow for deeper relationships. It is great to make friends with your co-workers; try to keep some professionalism so as not to let work stress bleed over into the friend space. 

Plan some variety and do something different. Often we get into a rut with our friendships and need to plan new and exciting challenges. Changing things up with your friends will give you more time and experiences to bond over. If you usually text your friend, try calling. If you typically meet for dinner, try scheduling an activity together. Building relationships requires both parties to engage, so try to think of ways you and your friends can bond and have fun together. 

Learning together is a great way to bond. My friend Tracy and I met in a tap dancing class almost 20 years ago, and we still dance together. We don’t do it every week and sometimes go months without dancing, but we go to class together when we can. We love to tap, and experiencing the course together strengthens our bond. 

Continue to learn about your friends by asking open-ended and inviting questions. So many times, we get in a rut with our friends and forget that there is so much to learn about them. Opening yourself up to deeper conversations will help you learn more and grow your bond. I know new things about my friends when I approach them with curiosity and openness. Prioritize those friendships that you want to strengthen and work to express your feelings of appreciation and love to those people. Allowing friends to know that you love them opens their heart to a more genuine friendships.

If you do not have the friends you want, work to make some new connections. As you go through life, making new friends is challenging because we often feel insecure about making friends from strangers. Start with someone that you know but would like to know better. Reach out to them and see how they are doing. Most people would love to have another true friend, so be vulnerable and open to connection.

Make a list of the people you consider true friends and those you would like to be closer to. Then, connect with those friends this week to grow and strengthen your friendships. You will be happier and healthier for it. If you need a new friend, contact me, I can always use a few more. Hugs!

Dr. Julie Cappel

"Friends are medicine for a wounded heart, and vitamins for a hopeful soul." -Steve Maraboli

Dear New Veterinarian

This month we are welcoming into our profession the three thousand-plus veterinarians graduating from Veterinary Colleges around the country. I want to offer my heartfelt congratulations to all of you that survived veterinary school - I know it was a long, tough road. You are now entering the world's most challenging, entertaining, emotional, demanding, and incredible profession. Veterinarians and those who work in veterinary medicine are some of the most supportive and kind people in the world. Your life will be blessed as you walk among them.

As I scroll through the posts on Instagram and TikTok, showing all your smiling, graduating faces, I realize I may have some wisdom to offer. With my experience working in the field for over 30 years and coaching veterinarians, I may have some advice to help you successfully navigate your new career and have an amazing life.  

Here are five tips to help keep your mind focused, healthy, and happy in veterinary medicine.

Don't think you must know everything. You will not, and that is okay. Practice saying, "I don't know." Veterinary schools may have shamed you when you did not have an answer, but your colleagues and clients will not. It is dangerous to pretend that you have all the answers. Your clients want to know that you care about them and their pets. They want you to help them navigate decisions. You will do well if you care enough to communicate your opinion or recommend a test or specialist to help get an answer. Also, remember that you cannot and should not try to control their decisions. If they cannot afford proper testing, you may never have a diagnosis, which is okay. Counsel them to make their best choice on treatment and give them the next step plan if things do not resolve. 

Plan and work for your physical and mental health. You can only help people if you are healthy and whole. Make that your priority. There will be days when work monopolizes your time and energy, but do not let that be daily. Plan to do what you love outside of work and spend time with your family and friends. You must have hobbies and relationships outside of veterinary medicine to nurture your soul. If you take care of yourself first, you can thrive despite a difficult day or week. Learn to set boundaries to keep yourself healthy and seek help when needed. Take care of yourself to build a long career caring for animals and their people.

Leave your cases at work. Easier said than done, I know, but practice techniques for protecting your life away from your job. Just because we have an important job does not mean we do not deserve time away. If you can picture yourself leaving the cases, problems, and emotions on your desk or hanging them in a bag on a hook in your office, you might clear your mind before you get home. When you return, the problems and tasks will be there, so practice and learn to leave them behind.  

Most clients are kind, but you will deal with a few outliers. People can be unpredictable and emotional, especially when they are stressed. Be sure to practice calm, clear communication, and active listening. Remember that many clients are in some stage of grief, which includes bargaining and anger. They may not be angry at you but may direct that emotion to you. Most clients' feelings will pass if you stay calm, and empathetic and give them a little time or space. Trust your instincts regarding pets and people; when you feel unsafe, separate yourself from the situation and call the police if necessary. Remember that the good people far outweigh the bad; the mean people are more memorable than the rest. 

Expect every new person who discovers you are a veterinarian will light up with excitement. It will happen at family functions, weddings and showers, bars and restaurants, parties, children's school events, and even the gym. When you meet someone new, they will have a story or question about their own or someone else's pet. They will smile and say, "I have a dog!" or "I always wanted to be a vet when I was a kid," or even, "That's so cool." You may be tempted to be irritated by their comments and questions, but try to see it as a compliment and honor. Most people don't have such a fabulous job. Answer their questions or nod and smile. You don't have to diagnose anything for them; just enjoy the attention. 

The Human-Animal-Veterinary Bond is magic. If you approach your career with joyous expectation and stubborn self-preservation, you will build the life you have always dreamed of.  

Welcome to the profession, new doctor; I am thrilled to call you my veterinary friend.

Dr. Julie Cappel

Let's become more Resilient.

Do you ever feel that everything that can go wrong is going wrong? Just as you think things are going smoothly, something shakes you up and brings you back down. That is life! That is veterinary life.

Springing back from disappointment or even tragic circumstances is one of the most difficult things. There are feelings of isolation and self-doubt that come with every setback, and if you don't work to deal with those negative feelings, you will continue down that road to despair.

I have had some of these feelings lately, so I want to discuss springing back from adversity or resiliency today. We all know that life is hard, and if we did not have challenges, we would not know to appreciate the good things when they happen. This is by design, but it stinks when things are not going well, and we need to practice skills to keep us from bending too far into negativity.

It is a common problem - Stuff happens, life happens, and we have a lot of stressful thoughts about the stuff happening, and then we need to be resilient to bounce back. It is not easy, but I wanted to bring you some research-based advice to help build that resiliency muscle. 

The definition of resiliency is "Springing back or rebounding ."Returning to the original form or position after bending, compressing, or stretching. Recovering from illness, depression, or adversity."

Resilience is a skill that you can develop and work to improve. Just like all things in life, if you take the time to work on any skill, you can improve. Remember that being resilient does not mean you have no stress or difficulty in your life, and it is not a cure but a way to help you better understand and manage your response to hardship.

The Harvard Business Review outlines three key factors that help to make people more resilient. They are high levels of confidence in their abilities, disciplined routines for their work, and social and family support.

To develop more confidence, a better routine, and build social support, here are some things that you can practice to become more resilient.

Get more connected. Connecting with others is the most important thing we can do to build a beautiful life. Building strong, positive relationships with family and friends will provide you with needed support and acceptance in good and bad times. You can work on your social connections, volunteer, join a club or church, and connect with your veterinary team outside of work. It may feel difficult for you if you tend towards introversion, but if you challenge yourself to step outside your comfort zone and attempt to make more friends, you will better overcome adversity when it hits. 

I joined a pickleball group last week and was super intimidated because I am new to the sport. I had to push myself to show up and join in the play. I didn't know anyone, so I just had to show up and ask to join. To my surprise, everyone was welcoming and helpful, and I had a great time. I played in three games and won one of them. So, get out of your head and push through that uncomfortable feeling of being a stranger in a group and try to connect. You will be surprised how great you feel when you find a new friend. 

Work to make every day more meaningful. Do something that allows you to feel accomplished or purposeful every day. It may be working on your mental and physical health or helping others. Set clear goals to help you look for the future meaningfully. You can also reach out to a friend to check on them, increasing your connection with them and bringing meaning for them when you make their day. 

Reflect on your past experiences. Remember how you've coped with hardships in the past. How you persevered and overcame. Think about the skills and strategies that helped you through those difficult times. You might even write about those past experiences in your journal to help you identify your positive and negative behavior patterns — If you analyze your past, it may help guide your future behaviors.

Embrace the feeling of hope. We sometimes need to remember that you can choose a different emotion when required. Hope is a beautiful one. You can't change the past but you can always look toward the future. Accepting and even anticipating change makes adapting and viewing new challenges easier with less anxiety.

Take care of yourself. This one always sounds simple to me, but it is one of the most challenging things for us to do. Tend to your own needs and work on your feelings. Participate in activities and hobbies you enjoy. Include some physical activity in your daily routine. Get outside more often. Get plenty of sleep and create consistent bedtime rituals. Help yourself "shut down" and leave work behind. Remember that it is OK to rest as long as you are restful and your mind is not spinning on what you "should" be doing.

  

Reframe your thinking. When things change, we sometimes default to our stress reactions without challenging them. To escape this cycle, track your responses to stress and consider whether they're valid. Is there that much work to do, or do you remember the last time work overwhelmed you and feel like that may happen again?

Becoming more resilient takes time and practice. If you need to make progress or help knowing where to start, consider talking to someone. Remember that there is no shame in asking for help, and there are many mental health professionals in the world that are ready to work with you. 

Dr. Julie Cappel

"Life doesn't get easier or more forgiving, we get stronger and more resilient." ― Steve Maraboli

On this week's podcast I talk more about resilience.  Listen on Apple podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts.  The Veterinary Life Coach Podcast.

Sunday Steps to Love Monday.

Have you ever dreaded Sunday evening because you know that tomorrow, Monday, you will have to get back into your week? With all of its activities, thoughts of the coming week cause Sunday anxiety. I used to spend many of my Sunday evenings stressing about the coming week. I was pre-stressing, and while doing that, I was missing out on exactly why I worked so hard all week, my family and leisure time. 

Most of us experience pre-stress when thinking about the day ahead. Here are a few ways to keep the pre-stress from ruining your Sunday.

Start by understand your thoughts about Monday. Take a little time before Sunday evening to anticipate your pre-stress thoughts. Imagine you are getting towards the evening, and you know that you will begin to feel anxious. Why are you feeling that way? What are you thinking? I used to think that I didn't get enough done at home, or I would run through the list of things that might happen Monday at work. Those anxious thoughts are precisely why you are not enjoying your Sunday evenings. Once you realize your unnecessary thoughts, you will catch them when they occur and stop spinning.

Plan for an enjoyable Sunday evening by getting your Monday morning prep work out of the way Saturday or early Sunday. Prepare the clothes, meal plan, pack lunches, and get everything together for a successful week. Have your kids participate in making it a family activity. Some people are great at prepping for their week, but others could be more skilled. I remember panicking on Monday morning, looking for that permission slip due at school. You will feel less stress if you get all that done and laid out. Practice makes perfect, so start somewhere. Start with something small, like pre-packing your lunch for Monday, then move on to something more complicated. Do a little prep work, so Monday is more manageable and enjoyable. 

Schedule something relaxing or fun for Sunday evening. Do not allow your thoughts to keep you from enjoying what you plan. It may be something simple like a game or puzzle with the family but do not scroll through social media. That crap makes you feel more anxious. Go to bed a little early (talking to myself here - a night owl), so you can set your Monday alarm 30 minutes ahead. That way, you can enjoy your long morning and ease into the week. However, do not use this as an excuse to procrastinate your weekend prep work.

Spend a little time over the weekend to plan some fun, exciting, or important things for Monday. It may be as simple as planning a walk with your co-workers or accomplishing a task you missed last week. If you schedule a time to finish something early on Monday, you will feel more in control of the remainder of your week. Planning a fun activity will give you something to look forward to and combat negativity.

You can change your Sunday and love your Monday by changing your mind and habits. Do not shame yourself when you start to stress, but understand that it comes from your anxious thoughts about the future. Stay in your present, enjoy your family, and let Monday come - It will, anyway.

Let me know if you need help!

Dr. Julie Cappel

“This should be the spirit every Monday. Know that something good will always happen.” - Gabriel Garcí­a Márquez

The Problem with Perfection

Most veterinarians have perfectionist tendencies. Our profession encourages it because we need to adhere to high standards, but since perfection is impossible, our desire to be perfect may cause anxiety and lead to depression.

Clinical psychologist Simon Sherry and lecturer Martin M. Smith define perfectionism as “striving for flawlessness, a state which renders an individual sensitive to criticism and plagued by self-doubt when estimating their performance abilities.”

In their 2019 study, they found perfectionism has increased substantially since 1990. They suggest that this phenomenon may be fueled by everything from parents who are critical and controlling to boastful social media postings reflecting unrealistic images of other people living perfect lives.

How can we let go of perfectionism while still working to be the best we can be?

Remember that you are talented and unique; there is a difference between achievement and perfection. It took many years of hard work and dedication to get to where you are today. Remember that the clients appear in your exam room because they trust and respect you. They pay you for your education, discernment, and expert opinion, not perfection.

Realize that veterinarians, like all other humans, are not perfect. You can strive for excellence while knowing that the goal of perfection is impossible. You can accept imperfections or small failures as part of your learning process. Accepting that failure is part of the human experience may relieve some of the pressure you place on yourself.

Recognize your successes, focus on the positive, and celebrate your accomplishments. Keep a success journal. Read it every time you start to feel self-doubt in the face of imperfection. Hold on to the thank-you notes and cards your clients send you. Your clients know that you do everything in your power to help them, and they acknowledge it. Read a few of them the next time you feel anxiety or self-doubt creep in.

Set reasonable and achievable goals. Not to lower your pursuit of excellence but give yourself a break and reward yourself for your achievements. 

Confide in a mentor, coach, or therapist who understands why you are struggling. Seek help when you feel that the self-doubt is keeping you from being the best you can be. By understanding that everyone in this profession struggles with perfectionism, you will recognize that you are not alone and will be able to quickly accept your feelings when they arise.

Love yourself, warts and all.  

Dr. Julie Cappel

“The pursuit of perfection is frustrating and a waste of time because nothing is ever perfect. The pursuit of excellence is commendable and worthwhile. Therefore strive for excellence, not perfection.” - Alan Kulwicki.

Listen to The Veterinary Life Coach Podcast!

Working to get more organized.

This week I had multiple conversations with my coaching clients about organizing and scheduling their work and life. It is a common problem that plagues everyone, including me. We want to be more organized and efficient with our time, but somehow our thoughts, life challenges, and procrastination often get in our way. 

Most of us struggle with organizing because we have so many thoughts. The human brain is a busy place, and studies say that the average person has over 70,000 thoughts per day. With all those thoughts, many of them negative stories that we tell ourselves, we are distracted by the sheer volume of things on our minds. Until we learn to sort through our thoughts to separate them into "true and useful" or "untrue and distracting," we will struggle to organize our days.

Start by focusing on your priorities and understanding how you work best. If you become overwhelmed by complex tasks or are quickly bored when unchallenged, you must design your schedule to keep you in your best frame of mind to stay productive. Make lists of things that you want to accomplish, and notice when your thoughts tell you something negative or distracting about your list. Work within your strengths, not against yourself. 

Be sure to use a planner or calendar that works for you. I like an old-school paper calendar where I can see the entire month laid out before me when scheduling my week. For my daily schedule, I use a bullet journal to prioritize and plan each day. Some people use whiteboards, index cards, post-it notes, color coding, or planning apps. The system is not important as long as it works well for you. Try several different strategies until you find one that feels helpful.

Stuff happens to us, humans. Keep in mind that when you feel most organized, something will happen to pull you off task. You cannot keep life at bay; you will experience car trouble, pet vomit, family illness, and work troubles. The way to stay organized while working on your life is to plan for disruption. I try to schedule "catch-up" time in my calendar to allow for "stuff" to happen. If I need to edit a podcast, I will schedule it for one hour Monday morning. If something happens during that Monday hour, I have another hour planned in the afternoon to edit. If I get it done in the morning, I have a free hour in the afternoon to rest or do something else on my list. 

Here are some other ideas to help you become more organized and get things done.

1. Delegate what you can to help simplify your life. If you can get someone to clean your house once a week, do so.
2. Schedule email and social media time to keep it limited.
3. Reduce the clutter on your desk or workspace. Throw some stuff out!
4. Choose one or two daily priority tasks - do not overestimate what you can do.
5. Give yourself time limits to get each job done. I like to set my timer on my phone to keep me focused. 
6. Schedule breaks, family time, and self-care into your day. 
7. Get someone to help you work through your mind clutter and sort it all out.

We all struggle with organization, so remember that you are not alone. We all have days when nothing seems to get done. Remember that it is all ok, and you can start to organize your day again tomorrow. Cut yourself some slack because part of the problem is you believing your brain's negative thoughts that tell you how organized you should be. 

Look forward and not back as you work to organize your life.

Dr. Julie Cappel

"Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can." - Arthur Ashe.

"It takes as much energy to wish as it does to plan." - Eleanor Roosevelt.

Love and Football

Today is Valentine's Day, and this past Sunday was Super Bowl Sunday.  

I started writing this blog on Sunday to get it posted, but I stalled. I stalled physically and mentally. Stalling sometimes happens when we feel overwhelmed or distracted with life or just forget to concentrate on our goals. In the interest of becoming un-stalled, I am finishing this writing today. 

I decided to combine my thoughts from Sunday with my thoughts today, Valentine's Day. I finish this blog by concentrating on one thing we can learn from each of these "holidays." 

Persistence. 

When we are faced with something big, a big ambition, vision, or goal, we are expected to face obstacles that may test us in our pursuit. Stalling is common, and quitting is easier. To succeed, we must push toward that goal with patience and perseverance.

Persistence is "the obstinate continuance in the course of action despite difficulty or opposition."

Football players who make it to the Super Bowl exhibit a level of persistence. The Super Bowl is the single most significant event in the history of a football player's life. They start as young children in the game, play high school and college ball, and a select few make it to the NFL. Even fewer make it to the Super Bowl. As I watched the pregame show before the Super Bowl, they did story after story of great athletes competing at the highest level and told of their struggles before reaching the pinnacle of their chosen sport. The athletes have experienced many opportunities to give up and stop pursuing their dream, and they dealt with many failures along the way. They are the select few that faced challenges and decided to keep working anyway. They are one of our most remarkable examples of persistence.

Much like it is with love. (Bear with me here, this may be a stretch.) Love of our spouse, family, veterinary team, and even the profession as a whole. Love does not come easy. People are people, and to love them, you must work to cultivate that love. You have to persist with choosing to love despite the challenges people bring. You can also choose to continue to love your team and profession with a little focus on your original passion for veterinary medicine. 

How do we develop persistence in ourselves?

Be sure your pursuit is in your area of passion and interest. To push through when things are tough, you have to have a passion for the things that you are pursuing to stick it out. You must have a reason for doing what you love and loving those you choose to be spend your time with. Find that reason, and everything will feel more manageable.

Get some support. No one can do anything alone. That is true in love or football. It takes someone to throw a ball and someone to catch one. In the love of another human, it takes two. So when you want to give up, get someone to help you garner the fortitude to persist. You may choose a therapist, coach, family member, or friend. Reach out and ask them to help push you to your end goal. 

When you feel stalled, ask yourself, "Do I need a break, or do I need to quit?" Most of the time you will want to quit, but there is always a way to start again with a goal you are deeply invested in. Rest may be needed, and a break may be in order, but do not quit. Like anything else that is valuable, your goals are worth the wait.

When you commit to any goal, be prepared to stall and fail. If your goal is grand enough, focus on persistence to bring it to life.  

Dr. Julie Cappel

"Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not: nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not: the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent." - Calvin Coolidge.

Routines Bring Returns

Do you ever wonder where your time goes? Why does it seem that our work days go so slowly and our home days go by so fast?

It could be because we have our work days carefully scheduled, and our days off are so loosely planned. We have "day off" giant to-do lists, but we do not take time to plan and schedule our tasks. 

You must examine where you are now to achieve more, accomplish more, and work towards personal growth. Are you using your time wisely? Do you have a dialed-in routine to help you achieve your goals? What are you doing to change?

Personal growth and change involve working on yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally. Most of us have some idea of what we want, but we must do the work to follow through. We need to work to change our daily habits and mindset to grow and change direction. Minor changes to your daily habits and routines will go a long way to producing change and bringing significant returns on your investment.

Check with yourself to identify what you want. Becoming mindful of what you are doing now will allow you to decide if you want to change. What is your mindset? Are you thinking optimistically about your day, or are you allowing the day's events to control you? The only control that you have over your day is to control yourself. 

So now that you know you want to change, what can you do to grow and accomplish more?

Establish a solid morning routine. Most successful people get up early and have a routine to start their day right. Begin your day calmly and avoid rushing. Make your bed, eat breakfast, and do some meditation or yoga to ease into your day. Take a few minutes to plan your tasks early in the morning, and give yourself time to think about how you want to approach the day ahead. Remember that working on your mindset for a few moments will do great things for your ability to handle stress.

Make your to-do list, prioritize it, and time block it. Take a few moments in your morning routine or if you are like me and plan better in the evening, do it the night before. Prioritizing will help you sort out the urgent and important things and let go of the not-so-important stuff. Remember to schedule your self-care tasks as a priority. It may be as simple as taking a moment to offer yourself encouragement and love. Caring for the caregiver is always top of the list. 

When I say time-blocking, I mean assigning a time to do the tasks and setting a timer for each task. In addition, schedule twenty minutes to clean or reorganize something you have put off. The organization feels better than a mess, so get motivated by organizing your workspace or home. We often avoid cleaning because it is no fun, right? But, if you do a small amount each day, it will become manageable. 

If you want to get more out of your life, manage your stress by planning for growth and change. Stress magnifies when you avoid your life, but peace comes from managing yourself and your time. Improve your routine to get bigger results. 

Dr. Julie Cappel

Contact me for Coaching

veterinarylifecoach.com

"The secret of your future is hidden in your daily routine." - Mike Murdock.

New Year? So what now?

I have been working on writing this blog for the past two weeks, which is unusual for me as I often write my blogs in one day. I have been struggling with this because I have produced several blogs and podcasts about New Year's resolutions, goal setting, change, and how to start afresh in the new year. This time, I wondered what else I could offer to help you create your best new year? 

Here is what I came up with. 

I want to offer you the thought that every day can be a new start in your life. You do not have to wait till the new year to start anew. We all want to change something, our bad habits, physical or mental health, or we desire to do or learn something new. We do not need to wait until the new year to bring about change. It feels reasonable to choose January first, Monday morning, next week, or someday. 

That restrictive thinking keeps us stuck in our bad habits and "normal" life, and what we really want is an extraordinary life. Waiting till the time is right to start working on yourself will get you to the same place you are now, stuck. If you are anything like me, the "I will start tomorrow" thinking keeps me overeating, not exercising, and procrastinating my self-development because "starting tomorrow" does not work. If we do begin to work on a resolution, as soon as we experience a minor failure, we quit and never achieve it or vow to start again on Monday. 

So, it is January fifteenth, and we are two weeks into 2023. What resolutions are you keeping, and which have failed? If you have already quit those New Year's Resolutions, I encourage you to start again. NOW! Keep starting over and working towards what you want until you get it. Do not wait for tomorrow, next week, Monday, or 2024. Start again and work now.

The only way to overcome procrastination is to stop feeling anxious, overwhelmed, or stuck. Getting our brains to see the possibility of change is the work that needs to be done to persevere. If you find that you are doing everything but working on your goals, you are an average human; congratulations. We all procrastinate and struggle to achieve our goals, but here are a few ways you can work to get over that and restart for the new year. 

Start by understanding your motivation for your New Year's Resolution in the first place. Why do you want what you want? What pain are you experiencing by not getting it? Most of the emotional pain you are experiencing is shame and self-judgment when you do not take action. Once you understand yourself better, you will be on to yourself and your excuses. Know where you are currently and where you want to go. 

Next, list the steps required to get back on track with your resolution. What have you avoided and why? Do not list anything that does not involve your resolution. Having the daily, mundane tasks on your list will give you an excuse to avoid your resolution goal. Then, break it down into baby steps that feel easier. If it is a food goal, plan one meal at a time, not a whole week. If it is an exercise goal, take it one day at a time. Do one simple task and get moving forward.

The most important step is changing your self-talk. Thinking that this is too difficult or impossible will not serve you. Change your thinking with strong and capable statements about yourself. You will feel less overwhelmed if you decide that you can do it. You will build momentum towards your goal if you achieve one step at a time.  

Remember that when you avoid change, you are ultimately creating more pain for yourself in the future. If you accept a slight change and a little pain now, you will be so much happier later as you achieve your dreams.

It is January 15, and you stopped working on your New Year's Resolution. So what? Begin again right now. Take one baby step, and continue until you have whatever you want.

Call me if you need help.

Dr. Julie Cappel

Christmas Blessings

I am writing this on Christmas Day from my living room couch. I am grateful for all of my many blessings. I am healthy, my husband is healthy, my parents are healthy, my adult children are visiting from Los Angeles and Dallas, and they are in the kitchen preparing a Christmas Feast. As they work, the holiday music is playing, and they are all singing and laughing. The dogs, there are three and another one joining us later, are running around begging for treats. The noise and chaotic atmosphere are a treat after experiencing an empty nest for the past year. Those of you with small children do not understand missing noise, but once your kids are grown, you will have time to miss the laughter and even crying and arguments.

We have been through seasons of joy and loss, so I know that not every holiday is joyful. After two years of dealing with the pandemic, I know we all want to feel freedom and happiness again. If you are struggling to find something to be grateful for this year, here are some ways to stay positive and care for yourself and your feelings.

Spend some time looking for the year’s blessings. Even when things are not going well, we can work to find some small things to be thankful for. They may be very small things like a good night’s sleep, coffee in the morning, a sunny day, or even just a roof over your head. By searching for the good things, you can shift your focus away from your challenges. 

Call a friend. Reaching out to check on someone else will help you feel better when you feel down. Talking to another human about your problems or theirs will give you a feeling of community, knowing that you are not alone. Your friend may be suffering too, and just the act of you reaching out may bring them out of their negativity. Challenge each other to remember positive experiences and share good memories. Those memories may help get you both more joy.

If you are not having a healthy holiday season this year, I understand you are not feeling blessed. That is OK. We can feel the sadness or loss and know there will be better days ahead if we hang on. As 2023 approaches, try to look back on your blessings in 2022. Even if your year was challenging or your loss was devastating, you can resolve to remember the happy memories. Remember that life is a series of ups and downs; much of the joy is in the lessons we learn about ourselves through the challenges. Have a beautiful holiday season and New Year.

Dr. Julie Cappel

“I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.” – Charles Dickens

Stop and look

Have you ever felt that you have difficulty being at peace with yourself? Do you feel anxious and unable to live in the moment and enjoy your life? I certainly have many times. No matter what is going on with us, we look forward with worry and not outward and inward with peace. We miss the present while we worry about the future.  

Stop and look where you are so you can be content.

 

One of the reasons I got interested and involved in mental health and life coaching is that I wanted to change myself and help others who consistently struggle with perfectionism, anxiety, and impostor syndrome. I want us all to get out of our way and become present.

I was reminding myself this afternoon about building contentment in my life. After a beautiful morning with my parents golfing and having lunch, I felt unsettled. It was a beautiful day, and I felt content, relaxed, and present in our golf game. As I worked around the house and filled out Christmas cards in the afternoon, I started to feel overwhelmed, unfocused, and ungrateful. When I think this way, it is best to stop and do the work to feel more content.

Contentment is an emotional state of satisfaction and ease in the mind and body. Feeling content with your life will allow you to be present and experience it. Feeling anxious about what comes next is a complete waste of time and energy.

I always like to start by challenging myself to feel grateful for something. When you ask yourself to look for something good, it helps you refocus on what is important in the present moment. If I feel grateful that I have a roof over my head and air in my lungs, I begin to bring myself back to the present moment. Boiling it down to simple gratitude works for me. Appreciating one thing you have daily will keep you present and content.

To feel content, you must create compassion for yourself and others by dropping the tendency to judge. As humans, we all want to judge others' lives by thinking that they should act differently or respond differently to us. If we can let go of our judgment and allow others to be, it will go a long way to helping us stop the judgment of ourselves. Today I was giving myself a hard time because my Christmas cards and shopping still needed to be finished. To feel content, I have to realize that I will get it done well before Christmas, and if I don't, no one will care. Feeling anxiety over it is not useful. 

Working on any skill takes focus and an open mind. We can all benefit from learning to be more content. When creating contentment for yourself, stop and ask yourself what you are anxious about; then, how can I be grateful in this moment? What experience are you missing while you worry? Be open to feeling peace and contentment in all situations to enjoy your life.

Stop and look - you can be content.

Dr. Julie Cappel

“Contentment is the only real wealth.”- Alfred Nobel