Give up the Right to be Right!

Today I had a rather upset and somewhat cranky neighbor come into the office asking to talk to the manager/owner.  I hate this message when it comes from my receptionist.  You know the one, “Ms. Smith is up front asking to talk to the manager or doctor in charge.”   That message rarely precedes a compliment or someone just wanting to tell me how amazing I am.  When I hear these words, I know that I am in for an exercise in conflict resolution and self-control. Today this neighbor was coming to the office to express her concern over our new fence being installed around the office parking lot. It was affecting her backyard.

Before I walk up front to address this person, I need to decide how to handle this person and her complaint.  Do I want to go down this road of blame and defensiveness?  Can I remain calm and resist the temptation to argue? On this day I must admit that I did not handle the situation completely as my best self.  I was calm and listened well, but I did become a bit defensive while talking to her.  Why?

We have a deep-seated need to be right when dealing with a contentious situation.  When we feel that there is a disagreement pending, we start to feel defensive and we want to be right – the part of our brain that needs to protect us from harm and wants us to win. 

What do I gain by being right?  I can spend energy and time laying out my case, but it really only ruins our relationship.  If we want to have healthy relationships with other people, we have to be ok with being wrong – having no interest in actually winning. In most cases, you will not get the same curtesy from the person with whom you have a disagreement.  They will more than likely continue to be angry, frustrated, and defensive.  You must continue to stay in a non-defensive frame of mind and truly try to understand their position, even if they are being ugly about it.  You get to be the responsible adult in this room. 

Now I am talking to a neighbor about the fence in our parking lot that the workers just tore down, and she is upset because her dog might get out of her yard.  She is also upset that we did not notify her ahead of time that we were getting our fence replaced.  These are her thoughts about the situation.  My thoughts are different.  My thoughts are that I had no way of knowing that she was using our hospital fence at the back of her yard to contain her dog.  I am simply improving my yard. We are having different thoughts about the same situation, right?

If I stand there and argue with her that I was right to tear down the fence without notifying her and “win” the argument, I have walked away with nothing but an incorrect sense of power.   My being right just makes me feel empowered, but it ruins the relationship with my neighbor.  She walks away feeling like I am a jerk, and indeed I may have been a bit of a jerk. 

So how do we handle difficult conversations and do it in a way that preserves relationships and keeps us from acting like an ass?  Give up the need to be right. Don’t engage in “being right”, and you can defuse the potential conflict.  Everyone has the ability to get what they need from the conversation. I can ask about her thoughts and feelings about the fence. Why is she inconvenienced and how can I help?

If I were on the opposite side of the fence, literally, I may be upset that it got torn down, even for a day, without my knowledge.  If I can truly listen to understand, then I am in a much better frame of mind to offer the proper apology and give her what she is seeking, which is just the need to be heard.  I cannot go back and notify her of the fence work, but I can tell her that I understand her frustration and moving forward I can call her with updates on the progress of replacing the fence. 

Once you have heard them out and really listened to their whole story – and I do mean the whole story without rebuttal, you can decide to agree on the facts and then work towards a solution.

At this point in the conversation, I started to show up a bit better.  I told the neighbor that I was not sure when the fence would be finished, but I was pretty sure it would be today.  I told her that if she wanted to leave me her name and phone number that I would call her as soon as I talked to the fence company about when the fence would be up and finished.  I apologized that we did not notify her of the construction project and told her that we would keep her informed moving forward.  I cannot change the past, but I can change the future to help her get more of what she wants out of the situation.

In the end, the fence went down and back up within less than one day.  The fence company did their best to get things done as quickly as possible, especially in the yards that did not have their own fence.  After the neighbor left my office, I called the fence company to see when they would have the fence completed and they assured me that it would be today.  We called the neighbor to pass on this information and left her a message on voice mail, upholding my promise to keep her in the loop moving forward.

 

The next time you are in a conflict or difficult conversation, be sure to take a deep breath and prepare yourself to listen more than you talk.  Be prepared to let the other person be right and really embrace that fact that they are right.  Their thoughts are always valid, and you don’t need to agree with them, but you don’t need to prove to them wrong either.  Listen to their story and pull out the facts.  Once you have truly heard them and put yourself in their shoes, you can move forward with a solution. 

Dr. Julie Cappel

“Focus on the solution, not on the problem.” Jim Rohn



Join me on the Podcast - The Veterinary Life Coach Podcast with Dr. Julie Cappel 

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