Give up the Right to be Right!

Today I had a rather upset and somewhat cranky neighbor come into the office asking to talk to the manager/owner.  I hate this message when it comes from my receptionist.  You know the one, “Ms. Smith is up front asking to talk to the manager or doctor in charge.”   That message rarely precedes a compliment or someone just wanting to tell me how amazing I am.  When I hear these words, I know that I am in for an exercise in conflict resolution and self-control. Today this neighbor was coming to the office to express her concern over our new fence being installed around the office parking lot. It was affecting her backyard.

Before I walk up front to address this person, I need to decide how to handle this person and her complaint.  Do I want to go down this road of blame and defensiveness?  Can I remain calm and resist the temptation to argue? On this day I must admit that I did not handle the situation completely as my best self.  I was calm and listened well, but I did become a bit defensive while talking to her.  Why?

We have a deep-seated need to be right when dealing with a contentious situation.  When we feel that there is a disagreement pending, we start to feel defensive and we want to be right – the part of our brain that needs to protect us from harm and wants us to win. 

What do I gain by being right?  I can spend energy and time laying out my case, but it really only ruins our relationship.  If we want to have healthy relationships with other people, we have to be ok with being wrong – having no interest in actually winning. In most cases, you will not get the same curtesy from the person with whom you have a disagreement.  They will more than likely continue to be angry, frustrated, and defensive.  You must continue to stay in a non-defensive frame of mind and truly try to understand their position, even if they are being ugly about it.  You get to be the responsible adult in this room. 

Now I am talking to a neighbor about the fence in our parking lot that the workers just tore down, and she is upset because her dog might get out of her yard.  She is also upset that we did not notify her ahead of time that we were getting our fence replaced.  These are her thoughts about the situation.  My thoughts are different.  My thoughts are that I had no way of knowing that she was using our hospital fence at the back of her yard to contain her dog.  I am simply improving my yard. We are having different thoughts about the same situation, right?

If I stand there and argue with her that I was right to tear down the fence without notifying her and “win” the argument, I have walked away with nothing but an incorrect sense of power.   My being right just makes me feel empowered, but it ruins the relationship with my neighbor.  She walks away feeling like I am a jerk, and indeed I may have been a bit of a jerk. 

So how do we handle difficult conversations and do it in a way that preserves relationships and keeps us from acting like an ass?  Give up the need to be right. Don’t engage in “being right”, and you can defuse the potential conflict.  Everyone has the ability to get what they need from the conversation. I can ask about her thoughts and feelings about the fence. Why is she inconvenienced and how can I help?

If I were on the opposite side of the fence, literally, I may be upset that it got torn down, even for a day, without my knowledge.  If I can truly listen to understand, then I am in a much better frame of mind to offer the proper apology and give her what she is seeking, which is just the need to be heard.  I cannot go back and notify her of the fence work, but I can tell her that I understand her frustration and moving forward I can call her with updates on the progress of replacing the fence. 

Once you have heard them out and really listened to their whole story – and I do mean the whole story without rebuttal, you can decide to agree on the facts and then work towards a solution.

At this point in the conversation, I started to show up a bit better.  I told the neighbor that I was not sure when the fence would be finished, but I was pretty sure it would be today.  I told her that if she wanted to leave me her name and phone number that I would call her as soon as I talked to the fence company about when the fence would be up and finished.  I apologized that we did not notify her of the construction project and told her that we would keep her informed moving forward.  I cannot change the past, but I can change the future to help her get more of what she wants out of the situation.

In the end, the fence went down and back up within less than one day.  The fence company did their best to get things done as quickly as possible, especially in the yards that did not have their own fence.  After the neighbor left my office, I called the fence company to see when they would have the fence completed and they assured me that it would be today.  We called the neighbor to pass on this information and left her a message on voice mail, upholding my promise to keep her in the loop moving forward.

 

The next time you are in a conflict or difficult conversation, be sure to take a deep breath and prepare yourself to listen more than you talk.  Be prepared to let the other person be right and really embrace that fact that they are right.  Their thoughts are always valid, and you don’t need to agree with them, but you don’t need to prove to them wrong either.  Listen to their story and pull out the facts.  Once you have truly heard them and put yourself in their shoes, you can move forward with a solution. 

Dr. Julie Cappel

“Focus on the solution, not on the problem.” Jim Rohn



Join me on the Podcast - The Veterinary Life Coach Podcast with Dr. Julie Cappel 

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-veterinary-life-coach-podcast-with-dr-julie-cappel/id1451549730?mt=2

My old friend self-doubt!

 This week I had a significant and unexpected visit from my old friend self-doubt. I say unexpected, because I thought that my mind was in a good place. 

I spent last week at the most amazing retreat!  I was at the Sundance Resort in Salt Lake City attending what can best be described as a self-reflection and leadership retreat.    I stayed in a luxurious cabin nestled in the Utah mountains and spent three days just working on my mind and gaining new insight into leadership and self-reliance.   I learned some new leadership concepts and also gained some interesting tools that I can use to help myself and others. 

When I got back to “real-life” on Monday, I thought I would be free of the old patterns of self-doubt -- but NO!  Self-doubt strikes again.

I have been pushing myself out of my comfort zone lately by taking a class, learning a new computer program at work, writing a presentation, and working on my podcast – all things that are new to me and bring up that old “self-doubt” voice in my head.  These were all telling me that I am not good enough, smart enough, or talented enough to achieve the things that I want to achieve.  Why?  Why is that voice always there?

I would have thought that after the retreat that I attended that my brain would be in the perfect place to contend with self-doubt, and I would argue that it probably is, but that does not stop my brain from taking me down that road again and trying to hold me down.

Self-doubt is our brains’ way of holding us back and keeping us from seizing new opportunities.

Remember that your brain was wired to protect you from harm.  It wants you to stay in the cave and stay small so you will be protected.  “Don’t take chances.”  “Don’t step out of the crowd.” Your brain persistently to tell you, “You may fail or get hurt.”  

The opposite is really true.  You can’t be a fully developed person without overcoming your self-doubt.  You will always feel its tug to stay safe, but you need to kick it in the knees and get it out of your way to become the badass person that you want to become.

How can we fight back against self-doubt when our brain brings it up? 

Tell your brain to stop!  Hold up that imaginary stop sign in your head and push back the negative thoughts as soon as they arise.   The thoughts in your head are under your control.  You can say, “stop” to your negative thoughts then consciously decide to choose better, more encouraging thoughts.

Don’t compare yourself to others. Compare yourself to yourself only!    When you work to become one baby step better than the person you were yesterday you can let go of the comparison game.  Most of the people you compare yourself to are just as broken and human as you feel. Comparing your inside to the outside of someone else is just not realistic.   Let go of comparisons and concentrate on making yourself the best version of yourself that you can be.

Keeping a success journal is a great exercise to help you keep your past success in front of your face and mind. If you can easily see and remember that when you were able to overcome adversity and become successful before, it will help you pull out of the negativity loop.   Reading about your successes will help you to become clear about which issues are really worth your concern and which things are just a blip on the radar of your life.  And even if you do fail, you know how to handle it.  Fill your mind with positive images and let go of the negative. 

Other people are not focused on you.  We have a tendency to think that everyone is watching and judging us, but that is simply not true.  Most people don’t care what you do or say.  Most people are wrapped up in their own problems and situations.  They are worried about their family, jobs, pets, and finances.  As long as you are doing the best veterinary job for them, they will feel loved and cared for by you and your team.  That is all that most people want.

If you have a setback, realize that it is temporary.  If you live your life to the fullest you will indeed have setbacks and failures.  It is all part of the progression deal.  Don’t fear the small failures but see them as steps that you are taking to become the best human being that you can be.  Realize that there are lessons for you in every failure and if you choose to embrace the lessons, you can continue to move forward into your best life.

Dr. Julie Cappel

 “Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt.”
― William Shakespeare

“Believe in your infinite potential. Your only limitations are those you set upon yourself.
Believe in yourself, your abilities and your own potential. Never let self-doubt hold you captive. You are worthy of all that you dream of and hope for.”
― Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart



Join me on the Podcast - The Veterinary Life Coach Podcast with Dr. Julie Cappel 

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-veterinary-life-coach-podcast-with-dr-julie-cappel/id1451549730?mt=2

Searching for Joy - Seeing Good in the Bad

Today is Mother’s Day and I have traveled to visit with my daughter and see her professional opera recital.  The sun is shining -- the sky is a clear, perfect blue and the temperature is amazing.  I can’t feel anything but joyful and blessed today.  I wish I could bottle up this feeling for when I am not feeling quite so joyful. 

Those of us who work in the veterinary medical profession know that days are not always joyful.  We experience mental stress, pet illness, emotional pain, upset clients, team stresses, financial challenges and even death - almost daily.  How do we remain joyful in our life while dealing with all of these upsetting things?  How can we see the good amongst the bad?

Just last week I experienced one of those extremely sad cases.  A beautiful four-year-old Golden Retriever -- I will call him Linus.  The owners are a sweet couple that are totally dedicated to this dog.  They got him as a young puppy after their children were grown and he has taken a place of prominence in their small family.  They are dedicated to his health and happiness.  They take him to the dog park daily to visit with the other dogs and people that meet to visit there.  They have created a community of like-minded pet owners that share in the love of their dogs. 

The first time that I saw Linus, the owner noticed that he was just a bit slower than his normal.  He seemed a bit off and the male owner presented him to me to try to find the source of his malaise.  The owner told me he was worried, because several of his dog park friends recently had lost their dogs to various forms of cancer.  He was worried that Linus was next. 

When I examined Linus, it was obvious to me that he had a generalized lymphadenopathy -- enlarged lymph nodes under his jaw, near his shoulders, abdomen and behind his hind legs.  This presentation is classic for lymphoma - a type of cancer.  My heart sank as I felt swelling after swelling on his otherwise healthy-looking body.  He happily submitted to my palpation wagging his tail and looking to me for help.  He had no idea that I was about to break his owner’s hearts. 

How can I see joy in this circumstance?  Perhaps joy is not the best word to use in this situation, but can we see positives?  Can we grieve with the owners in compassion while feeling great about the work that we do?  I think that we can.

I work each day to see the good in everything.  Even ugly situations like the one I was now in with Linus; it causes me to dig deep to see what I can do to make this easier on the family.  If I remain present for this family and do my very best to explain all of their options, I can turn this tragic situation into some bit of positive for them.  I can take joy in my ability to answer their questions, get them to the right specialist for treatment, or simply help them to spend what time Linus has left giving him the best care that I can offer.  I can encourage them to love him for as many days as he has left on this earth. 

When it is his time to go, I have the ability to make that experience the least stressful to him and his family.  I can show them the utmost compassion and understanding. I can cry with them and love them through it.  I can take joy from that.

Rainy days can be seen as bringing green grass and flowers.  When we are working with a sad situation, we can choose to see our ability to offer good to our patients and their families.  Just being there and caring for them will on some level bring them consolation.  Our clients don’t blame us for their pet’s illness, they just want us to remain with them in their joy and sorrow.  Showing them love and compassion is our best asset.   

I can see joy in that.

Dr. Julie Cappel

“When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy.”
― Rumi