The Generosity of Opera Mississippi

This week I traveled to visit my daughter and hear her sing in several performances with Opera Mississippi. I live in the Detroit area, and my daughter lives in Dallas, so I take any chance that I can travel to see her. Besides, I am a true “fan, Mom.” I love to attend every performance to see her perform. I have seen the years of work that brought her to this level of success, and I love to share in her victories.  

I have been to Mississippi before, but I had the chance to interact with people in different cities this time. I visited their homes, businesses and was invited into their local opera circles. When artists are hired to perform in various cities, the patrons of the arts organizations often open their homes to the performers. In place of hotel rooms, they host and house the performers for several days, before and after the events. We were even invited to attend an after-party at a beautiful sprawling southern home - well, maybe I was not asked, I crashed the party — but I was graciously welcomed anyway.

The people that I met in all circumstances were next-level lovely. They were so kind and generous. Many of them asked me where I was from because the Detroit accent is very different from the Jackson Mississippi accent. As I watched how these people treated me (an obvious outsider) and others, including the opera singers and musicians, I had some thoughts about their generosity. They were so friendly and seemed so happy. 

Is there a way to make our lives better if we practice being more generous? 

According to a recent survey of 1010 people, done by The Ascent, high-generosity people were 23% more likely to be satisfied with their lives overall, and were happier with their relationships, jobs, and possessions. Generosity makes us more likely to feel optimistic about the world around us. Instead of reading the negative news and feeling helpless, practicing generosity makes us feel as if we can make a difference in our community and others’ lives. Charity creates a possibility mindset in the giver and the receiver. Instead of seeing resources as stagnant and scarce, generous acts open up an abundance mindset for everyone.

Take some time to think about your generosity. You do not have to spend money to contribute generously to others. Start with a grateful heart and recognize your own blessings, talents, and resources. Start small and do one small act of kindness by giving a big tip to a waiter or pay for someone’s coffee in a food line. If you are not used to giving away your money, try a small donation to a favorite charity. Give up one luxury item and use that money to donate. I promise that those few dollars will make you feel so good that you will get every penny’s worth back.  

If you do not want to give money, spend a little of your time giving to others. Generosity of time is one of the most valuable things that you have to offer. Do a chore for a neighbor or offer to allow someone to go before you in a line. These small acts will add to your overall well-being and lead to other opportunities to give to others. You can even be generous in your words. Saying one kind thing to another person is an act of generosity. For example, tell a frazzled pet owner that they are doing a great job or compliment your friend on their parenting skills. Kindness shared may change a life. 

Practicing your generosity with words, with time, or with money will add great dividends to your life and the life of those around you. If we all did a few more generous acts, our world would be a much richer place.  

Take a lesson from my new Mississippi friends and be more generous, Y’all. 

Dr. Julie Cappel

“Give what you have. To someone, it may be better than you dare to think.” ―Henry Longfellow.

“You have not lived until you have done something for someone who can never repay you.” — John Bunyan.

Storms and Rainbows

One of my occupational hazards as a life coach and a veterinarian is becoming attached to my clients. I feel for them. My heart aches for them when they struggle with their families, pets, health, and other challenging situations. One of the myths we hold about veterinary medicine is that it is not supposed to be this way. We should never take on others' emotions, and if we do, it somehow means that we are unwell. The real problem is that we "think" we should not feel for others, and we fear feeling our own and others' negative emotions. 

One of the best life skills that I was ever taught by my life coach and continue to work towards daily is not to fear negative emotions—working with challenges to feel all of the feelings.

This week I experienced an excellent opportunity to remind myself that empathy is good. I was preparing to go for a quick bike ride after work, and I stopped for a moment to check my email. I rarely check email while I am at work, and sometimes I miss things if I don't do a quick check when I get home. It happened that one of my coaching clients had emailed me that afternoon outlining some of the struggles that they were wrestling with that week. As a life coach, I love it when my clients reach out in times of trouble, and I do my best to offer them encouraging words and suggestions for easing their stress and processing their emotions. As I finished reading and thinking about my response, my husband reminded me that it looked like rain, and I better get my bike ride before the storm. I resolved to think through the email and get to my answer when I returned. 

As I rolled down the driveway, I could see that the sky to my west looked threatening with dark swirling clouds off in the distance and the sky to the east was more friendly-looking with some less threatening clouds and a little sun. I started thinking about answering my client's email with some words to help her get through her week. As I turned the third corner on my way through the neighborhood, I saw a beautiful rainbow off in the distance. I was surprised to see it because I think of rainbows coming after the rain, but this one was opposite the storm clouds. It was a stark contrast of the dark threatening sky behind me and the rainbow in front of me; it occurred to me that I had my answer.  

There are rainbows in the storms.

Challenges causing negative emotions allow us to appreciate our blessings when they do come. Why can't everything be easy? Because we need to experience bad to appreciate good. "That's life," my father-in-law, a general surgeon, frequently would say. He was a very empathetic man, so I know that he felt the emotion of his patients, but he took them calmly and without question as a normal part of life. He appreciated everything in his life because of his stressful, emotion-filled occupation.  

Challenges give us essential feedback for our personal growth. When we face challenges in our daily life, we are gaining strength and wisdom. Many of the best things that I have created in my life have come out of intense struggle. Overcoming adversity is a life skill. The more hardship you have experienced, the more you can use the lessons to grow. Embracing all of our emotions brings us strength. 

Challenges allow us to take responsibility for our own emotions and work on our ability to enjoy our empathy. Empathy can be challenging for us because it causes us to feel our own and others' negative emotions. Practicing allowing the full range of our feelings would change this profession if we allow ourselves to be vulnerable. The contrast of the approaching storm is what makes the rainbow beautiful.  

On this stormy day, I allowed my feelings of empathy for my struggling client and allowed myself to feel the uncertainty of the approaching storm. 

It is through the storms that we create our rainbows. 

Dr. Jule Cappel

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Willing to Push

Today I rode my bicycle along the Macomb Orchard Trail, which is a 23-mile path that goes from Rochester to Richmond, Michigan. It is one of my favorite bike trails because it is paved, has a nice mixture of shade and sunshine, and various things to see, including wildlife, water, farmland, and some small-town areas.  

I did not attempt the whole 23-mile stretch, but I did put in a solid twenty miles, ten miles out and back. It was a very warm — I might say hot — sunny day, which was great, but the sun and wind takes a lot out of me when I am riding. The last five miles tested my mental resolve and my physical body. I had to push myself to continue the ride back to my car parked at the end of the trail. Ironically, as I was riding, I listened to an audiobook about resilience and positive change. It made me think about the parallels between my challenging bike ride and the more considerable challenges that I face in life. Success in anything comes down to our willingness to push ourselves when faced with challenges —physical challenges like my bike ride or mental challenges like complicated relationships or work failures.

What do successful high achieving people have that keeps them from avoiding challenges? Tony Schwartz, in his Harvard Review article, says, “It’s the willingness to push themselves beyond their current limits day in and day out, despite the discomfort that it creates, the sacrifice of more immediate gratification, and the uncertainty they’ll be rewarded for their efforts.” They are willing to push. 

The willingness to push yourself when things are difficult is a key life skill that we need to develop to bring about positive change. Our brain has this thing called the motivational triad, which drives us to conserve energy, avoid pain, and seek pleasure. This does not align with the need to push through the pain to get to bigger goals. For example, if I want to get into better biking shape, I have to be willing to have a difficult last five miles, pushing my body to be stronger. Overcoming my innate desire to avoid pain requires me to do some mental work to keep from quitting. 

Anytime you feel resistant to some painful task, you are probably battling with your primitive brain. Even while I am writing this, my brain keeps on telling me to get a snack or check my phone—anything to avoid the pain of writing. My writing and biking are both exercises in discipline. Do I fail? Of course, over and over again. The real trick to success is in not giving up until my blog is finished. Each week my willingness to push myself to the end allows me to create another inspiring blog for your reading pleasure. ;)

There are some things that you can do to increase your ability to push through.

Create a strong why. If you don’t like your reason for doing something, your brain will talk you out of taking the steps needed to accomplish it.  Work on the way first. What is your reason for setting the goal? What will you get at the end? How will it make you feel when you get it?  Keeping your focus on your “why” will allow you to plan and then take steps to get it done willingly. 

Understand and avoid your temptations. Get to know the things that you do to avoid pain. I know that I check email, watch television, or eat unhealthy snacks to avoid some of my pain. You may surf the internet, play video games, or even blame others for your lack of focus. If you want to get something done, you need to keep those distractions in mind but out of your reach. For example, when I am writing, I have to turn off my phone or set the timer to keep me from checking it while I am writing.  

Set the goal but ask for help. In my bike riding case, taking a bike trail in one direction ten miles forces me to ride the entire way back without quitting. Having a friend along to push me might also help if I feel fragile and vulnerable on any given day. Having a coach or accountability partner will help keep you on track by breaking down your goals into smaller steps, then help you work through your unwillingness to feel the pain when it comes up.

Practice increasing your willingness to push by setting small goals for yourself daily. Try to push yourself just a bit harder than you did the day before. Whatever your big goal is, you will begin to reach it as you take steps to train your brain to be willing to push.   

Dr. Julie Cappel

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My Bold Friend

This week I had the distinct privilege to record a podcast with a bright, outspoken, and accomplished veterinarian. Dr. Jessica Moore-Jones is one of those people who I admire for her bold spirit and unapologetic personality. I met her virtually several months ago, and I have been a big fan of her ever since. She lives and works in Western Australia, where she runs her business, Unleashed Coaching and Consulting. She has been a veterinarian, shelter manager, and small business owner for several years and coaches veterinary groups teaching them resilience and success skills. She has a firm grasp of her opinions and is one of those who can speak her mind without regard for what others think. I aspire to be bolder like her. 

The dictionary defines bold as "Showing an ability to take risks: confident and courageous." I have always admired people who are brave and unafraid to be themselves. They know themselves and remain confident in their actions. I do have my bold moments, for sure, but It has taken me many years to truly embrace being bold about so many things in my life.  

Yesterday I had a bold moment in which I took a client to task about the way they were caring for their pet. They had allowed their severely obese dog to suffer from a serious infection for months. It was a sad case, and I pulled out my boldest self to tell the client what they needed to do to properly remedy the situation and care for their sweet dog. I am generally more fearless when advocating for another person or a pet than I am about protecting myself. 

How can I learn from Dr. Jessica's bold spirit and become bolder?  

I need to know my values and stay strong in my priorities. You cannot make solid and quick decisions if you are not strong in your values. Bold people are those that know what they want and stay focused on the important things. If I can remember to remain grounded in my morals and values, I can make solid decisions and take bold actions about my future.

Bold leaders have a strong sense of self-awareness. They are bold but not careless. They carefully study themselves to understand their strengths and weaknesses. They are not afraid to do the work that it takes to build on their strengths and let others cover for their shortcomings. They are not self-absorbed but self-aware. Bold leaders are the ones that can hire people that are smarter and faster than themselves to get the job done. They put their egos aside to better the team. I aspire to be a bold leader. 

Bold people speak up for themselves and are not worried about what others think of them. They are not loud or rude, but they speak their mind when it is important to do so. They speak up and also take action when action is needed. Boldness allows us to make confident decisions and not fear failure. 

To be bold, I need to remember to speak my mind, make firm decisions, and set boundaries to protect my time and values. So, I will take an example from Dr. Jessica and speak my mind with confidence.  I hope you do the same. 

Dr. Julie Cappel

"Be bold, be brave enough to be your true self." Queen Latifah

"It's only by being bold that you get anywhere." -- Richard Branson

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Spring Cleaning

I love a clean house, but I dislike cleaning house. It is a problem, I know, but this week I watched a couple of episodes of "Hoarders," and now I am supremely motivated to clean up my home and my mind.

If you have never watched an episode of this show, let me tell you why I find it fascinating. The extreme hoarders that they feature collect things to suppress and avoid their negative emotions. Most of them have experienced significant tragedy in their life, and their way of coping is to surround themselves with things. Most live with overwhelming hoards of possessions, garbage, insects, and even rat infestations. They work with therapists to help them deal with their emotions so they can, in turn, deal with their hoard.

This show interests me because I see the relationship between cleaning my home and working on my mind. I am not a hoarder, but I do sometimes avoid tedious tasks like washing windows.  My brain deserves the same treatment as my home when it comes to spring cleaning. With the pandemic finally coming to an end, I am ready for a clean-up of my house (especially the windows), my goals, and my brain.

 

Sometimes working on your mind feels impossible. There are so many things going on up there. It is often easier to ignore the thoughts and focus on anything fun. Eating, drinking, and Instagram feel so much better than taking on the overwhelming task of working on yourself. But as we have seen with our hoarding friends, ignoring your mind work leads to brain clutter. 

How do I coach myself to work on my brain?

Rekindle my goals. Spring is a great time to double down on those New Years' resolutions that I made in January. It is time to check in with myself and critically look at how I spend my time and energy. (I will not continue expending energy watching Hoarders - for a start.) If I refocus on my goals or resolutions, I will clean up my thinking about my accomplishments and take better steps towards creating my best work.

Work on my stories. We all have these stories that we keep in our minds about ourselves. They are most often negative things that we picked up somewhere in our younger days that haunt us in the present. I have a few of these. One of my main "self stories" is that I am unfocused and easily distracted. If I indulge in this story and believe it to be accurate, it keeps me from focusing and creating for myself. Meditate on your life, find a story that feels true for you, then work to let it go. Believing negative things about yourself does not pay. The sooner you work on cleaning up these brain stories, the sooner you can get moving in your life. 

Our homes and our brains need cleaning and care. My dirty windows are a direct reflection of my cluttered brain. So, let's use springtime as a marker for self-reflection and self-improvement.

If you need help with your brain cleaning, I am here for you. Likewise, if you want to help me clean my house — or wash my windows — I am open to that also.

Dr. Julie Cappel

Work with me!  https://www.juliecappel.com/coaching

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You never know

Many mornings, when my alarm goes off, my first thought is, “Oh, no! I don’t want to go to work today.” I snooze my alarm, once or sometimes twice, but never three times because my dogs will not let me sleep that long. I slog to the kitchen, let the dogs out, make their food, and start the coffee. 

I go through my morning routine, get ready for work, get in the car, and drive. No one is forcing me. I am free to stay in bed. Free to change careers. Free to quit.

I choose to go. 

My workdays are emotionally and physically exhausting. Challenging days when clients yell at me because I cannot perform miracles. Frustrating days when they berate my team because we cannot make time for them. Somber days when clients thank me through their tears for helping them say goodbye to a dear friend. Surprising days when I unexpectedly pull a moribund pet back to life from the brink of death. Joyful days when that wiggly little buff cocker spaniel puppy kisses me while piddling with pure excitement at meeting me for the first time.  

Why do I work? Because I choose to experience the emotional rollercoaster that is veterinary medicine. I prefer to see it as challenging and maybe even a little fun.

It seems to be automatic and expected that we complain about our work, but complaining about our day before it begins sets us up for failure. If we instead choose to see our day as a rich experience with a full range of human emotion, we may feel more excited about our work. Where else can you cry with a family one minute and cuddle a happy puppy in the next? Maybe we can see it like Forrest Gump’s box of chocolates, “You never know what you are going to get.”

When I dive deep and start to question myself, it is apparent that I love what I do. Why else would I work at it every day for the past 30 plus years?  Why would I chose to take on a second career as a life coach for veterinarians if I did not love my veterinary life? I want to share that love with others in our profession.  I find a unique fulfillment in my ability to help pets, help people, and add value to the world.  

As much as I want you to think positively about your chosen career, I understand that this profession is no joke. My morning brain reminds me that it is hard.  It can be heartbreaking and fulfilling at the same time. Try to remember that there is value in the good and the bad experiences. Allowing yourself to feel all of the emotion that it brings will help you appreciate the many rewards. 

You can choose to go to work each day with negativity, or you can choose an attitude of expectation and possibility.

When tensions are high during a busy veterinary day, remember to stay humble, calm and look for the fun. You never know what you will get.

Dr. Julie Cappel

“The only way to do great work is to love what you do.” —Steve Jobs

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How do I want to show up?

If the past year has taught us anything, it is how quickly life can change. The veterinary industry is working through many challenges, including increased demand and a decreased workforce.  My hospital is no exception. Since the end of last summer, we have been working with a skeleton crew when several of our team members left to either stay home with their children or take other positions. Those of us still working have been growing weary under the weight of our increased workload.  

When work increases and team capacity decreases, we may begin thinking of ourselves as victims. I experienced an episode of this on Thursday.  I was the only scheduled doctor with surgeries and also a spattering of client appointments. As I slogged through the pile of records that I had leftover from earlier in the week, attended to my surgeries, and answered the myriad of questions that my team brought to me, I started to feel overwhelmed. I am usually excited by a good challenge, but my brain goes into victim mode when I start to feel overwhelmed with stress. As I begin to feel like a victim, I become short with my team and reclusive. I want to crawl into a hole to protect myself from one more question. I get snappy and impatient. Finally, my brain tells me that it is all too much, and I start to indulge in my victim story. I begin to think, “Why do I have to do everything? Maybe I should just quit. Why won’t they leave me alone?” 

I have coached others and had coaching on this exact subject, but my brain still gets away from me sometimes. So, when I find myself thinking that I am a victim of my circumstances, I have to ask myself one key question to help bring myself out of my victim thinking.

How do you want to show up today?

My attitude is my responsibility and requires constant work on self-improvement. I have the power to change the way that I choose to think about everything. Self-development is the key to controlling ourselves when we start to feel overwhelmed and victimized. Your subconscious mind will direct you if you ignore training it to behave. I mean that if we don’t practice positive thinking, our brains will not learn to change from negativity to positivity.  

Decide who you want to be, and practice being that person each day—keeping in mind that we all need to experience failure to learn lessons. If you strive to take one small step towards your ideal self daily and visualize the person want to be, you can snap out of your thinking as soon as you realize that you are in victim mode.

Have some “power thoughts” at your disposal to use in times of extreme stress. For example, thinking things like, “You got this,” “All things will pass,” “You are a rock star,” or anything that helps you to drop the victim statements. Taking control of your brain requires you to teach it new and powerful thoughts. It may feel strange when you start to use these thoughts — they will feel inauthentic and cliche, but once your brain starts to believe them, it will be easier to get out of “poor me” and into solution mode. 

When you feel like a victim, remember to work to change your thinking and be the person you want to be.

Dr. Julie Cappel

"There’s nothing more daring than showing up, putting ourselves out there, and letting ourselves be seen.” - Brené Brown

Client Fatigue/Exhaustion

Fatigue feels mental. Exhaustion feels physical.  The veterinary profession is experiencing both.

Yesterday, as I was working at my busy veterinary hospital, I found myself feeling resentful about the way clients are treating myself and my team.  I am normally a pretty positive person, but it has become more and more challenging to look at some client behavior in a positive light.  Now don’t get me wrong, most of our clients are kind, patient, and appreciative, but the few bad applies are getting worse.  Social media has given them the power to retaliate, often anonymously, when they are unhappy.

Some show up late with no apology and then demand immediate service.  They do not wish to wait or reschedule.  Some make a wellness appointment, bring a list of multiple ailments that they want addressed, and then berate the technicians with, “Why is this taking so long? I have to take my son to soccer practice!”  I even have some clients try to threaten me with euthanasia — of their pet, not me  — if we cannot squeeze them in to keep them from having to consult an emergency hospital. 

We often struggle with high levels of stress and compassion fatigue in our profession, but that fatigue is starting to turn into full out physical exhaustion for many working in this industry.  Like many businesses in the United States, the veterinary industry is working shorthanded.  A recent US poll showed that 42% of small businesses report that they are struggling to fill job openings and are working with a diminished team.  Couple that with the fact that there is a drastic rise in demand for veterinary services and we are experiencing industry wide exhaustion.

Is there a way to keep the angry client demand from ruining us for the grateful clients?  Is there a way to keep from feeling overwhelmed, fatigued, and exhausted?

We need to recognize that clients control their behavior, we do not.  I do not always understand what is happening for them, but I know that their behavior is dictated by their feelings.  They may have stress in their home life or their experience in the pandemic.  Those negative feelings have now spilled over to create bad behavior that is directed at myself and my team. 

When clients are demanding or unreasonable, it usually comes from a place of pain. These folks are often the people that want the best for their pets.  Some are actual bullies, and if you give a bully an opening he will take it.  Do not let a bully know that they are intimidating you.  If you can calmly acknowledge their feelings and offer to help them, you will usually remain calm, strong, and in control.  They are misguided in thinking that rude demanding behavior will get them what they want.  You have the power to set boundaries in a kind firm manner.  Staying strong and unflappable is the only way to win over a bully, so push back a little and watch them back down.  If they don’t back down you can ask them to leave, but expect the negative review and prepare to ignore it.  Most bad reviews come from very unhappy people not anything that the business has done, and we all know it.

Set up some relief time for your team.  Working shorthanded can only be maintained for so long before people start to collapse mentally and physically.   Shorten your hospital hours, schedule more breaks into the day, and utilize your technology to communicate with clients.  Take some time off the clock — without phones ringing — even if for only 30 minutes.  Take a walk around the block with your team after work, or just step outside for a few minutes. Have a group lunch, build a puzzle, or play a game.  If you work in an area without emergency clinics, or you are the emergency clinic, find another clinic and try to cover for each other.  As a profession we need to come up with solutions between hospitals to share the burden, so team members can get a break.  

Just remember that you can only control your own behavior and care for your team during these trying times.  Our profession needs to work together to address client abuses and care for the mental health of ourselves and our teams.  We are the people that love animals, and we need to continue to love and care for ourselves so we can continue to do our important work.  The majority of the clients will appreciate your efforts to care for your team and yourself.

Dr. Julie Cappel

“Self-care is never a selfish act—it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer to others.”- Parker Palmer

“Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love.” - Brené Brown

Focused and unfinished

I struggle with focus.  At least, that is what my brain tells me.  I have a story in my brain that I am not a focused person. It is one of my main struggles and the thing that I work on most.   I have been coached on this story many times, but it is deeply ingrained in my brain.  That little chihuahua brain of mine loves this “unfocus” story. 

I am sure that you can relate to having some negative story in your brain.  We all tend to create a negative bias story related to things that happened in our past.  They often come from emotional memories or trauma that becomes part of our self-image.  

Much of my “unfocus” story comes from something that one of my teachers said to me when I was in Junior High School.  This teacher was a super intimidating figure to me. He was a big, bald-headed, very stern guy that was also a little mean, and I was a bit afraid of him, to be honest. The project he had assigned was something about the government, and I worked super hard on the paper.  I researched it, wrote it (to the best of my ability), and did artwork on the cover to go along with the project.  I turned it in feeling very accomplished and confident that I had done a fantastic job.   A few days later, I remember the teacher calling me up to his desk and telling me that he was giving me a B-minus on my paper. He was of the opinion that I could do better.  He told me that I was the type of person that was smart enough to get ahead, but I was not focused enough to ever be very successful. 

I remember this conversation distinctly because it made me question myself and gave me this lasting internal story that I was not, or never would be good enough or focused enough to be successful. I have worked around and worked on this story ever since.  

Almost all of us have a negative self-story in our brain that results from something someone said when we were children or young adults.  It often sticks with us for life.  Your work is to understand where that story came from and change the belief that you have about that story being true. 

Challenge your negative thinking.  Is this self-story accurate?  What are the facts of the story?  When you ask yourself these questions, you will quickly realize that much of your story is created by you.  The things that the teacher said were hurtful but not accurate. The facts were simply that I wrote the paper, and he said something unkind.  When I think of the story this way, I am able to dismantle the power that the words had over me. I focus and move on. 

What are the negative thoughts that I think about my story, and what makes this story positive?  In my case, the negative thought is,  I am unfocused.  When I feel unproductive in my life, these negative thoughts can reemerge.  The things that make this story positive for me is the kick in the pants that the teacher’s statement created for me.  I am more motivated in my life because that teacher decided to give me a smackdown.  Perhaps that was his evil plan all along.  Thanks teach!

The last mental challenge you need to make when faced with your negative story is to question why you continue to hang onto this story.  When I think about it, I know that the story is only there for my motivation.  I no longer believe that it is true; I know that it is part of my growth journey and an interesting step in my self-development.  

Challenge your negative belief stories and realize that many of them are overblown in your brain.  Beliefs are just thoughts that you think over and over again.  When you believe something negative about yourself, know that we are all works in progress and your job is to change your story.  Learn from it, focus, and move forward to a better you.

Dr. Julie Cappel

“There are so many people who will tell you that you can’t do this, but you have to make sure that your voice isn’t going to be one of them.” ― Pooja Agnihotri, 

“Reality is a projection of your thoughts or the things you habitually think about.” ― Stephen Richards

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Shopping is good for your soul.

Today I spent the day shopping with my son and his girlfriend.  We went to the mall to look around and have lunch inside a restaurant. A rare treat these days.  In fact, in the past two weeks, I have spent more time in shopping malls and restaurants with my family than I have during the entire previous year.  As the world is getting back to normal activities — post covid vaccinations —I have joined the land of the free-living and returned to one of our favorite American pastimes, mall shopping.  

I feel amazing when I shop. (At least for the first couple hours.)  I love looking around and seeing things that I may have never seen before. I also love people-watching.  I enjoy getting a Starbucks coffee and walking around looking for bargains and “cute” things.  I take it that other people enjoy shopping too, based on the number of people at the mall today.  There were lines of people, shopping and spending their money on everything from Lululemon to Lego.  

As I watched the people go by, I wondered whether shopping is actually good for us or are we simply distracting ourselves from life’s problems?  The little bit of research that I did when I got home says that both things are true.  Shopping is mentally and physically healthy for us when done in moderation.  

Some experts think that shopping can help with loneliness, boredom, and depression.  People that feel out of control in their lives can actually feel more in control when they make purchasing decisions.  The feelings of accomplishment that come with the discovery of a good bargain may overcome low self-esteem.  Shopping can bring family members closer as they work together to find something to buy.  The act of shopping together acts as an emotional bonding activity. 

A study published in the Journal of Psychology and Marketing, revealed that 62% of shoppers reported that they had purchased something to cheer themselves up, and another 28% had purchased something as a type of celebration.  We use shopping to help us prepare for important events such as weddings, graduations, or new babies.  The shopping that we do to prepare for life changes helps us to feel more in control of our future. 

Shopping can also be good for us physically.  I put a lot of miles on my feet in my trek around the malls these last couple of weeks.  An article in The Daily Telegraph newspaper reported that walking and carrying shopping bags burns off over 300 extra calories and that women walk an average of three miles for every two hours of shopping.  Shopping gets you up off of your butt and onto your feet for a prolonged period of time.  That is my kind of exercise!

The best thing about shopping is that it can be both relaxing and entertaining.  The physical activity, interesting people, social interaction, and visual variety is a bit like visiting a museum — without the need for much intellectual thought.   Losing yourself in a shopping excursion can help to clear your mind and clarify your objectives.  As long as you remember to check the overspending, shopping is good for your heart and soul.

Dr. Julie Cappel

“Whoever said that money can’t buy happiness simply didn’t know where to go shopping.”— Bo Derek

Family ties

Sunday is trivia day in my family.  Since the beginning of the Covid lockdowns we started a tradition of meeting every Sunday on a zoom call to visit, catch up, and play trivia.  Each week someone presents a series of questions to the others and we see which of us is the best at general trivia.  We have kept in touch this way for a year now from New Mexico, Texas, Florida, Michigan, and New York.  The tradition of getting together each week helped us all to navigate the changes that the lockdowns caused and helped us to feel more connected, despite our forced separation.

 

Family is an important part of a mentally healthy life. Family may not always be blood relatives, but often are friends and coworkers.  Any close relationship that you form with people in order to share your life, will keep you on track in times of adversity. Strong family relationships will help you grow, so nurturing those relationships will add to your ability to be successful in whatever you choose to do. 

How do we build strong relationships with the people in our lives? 

Practice acceptance and fondness.   Our relationship with other people is all about the way we think and feel about them.  Creating a strong relationship with someone simply requires you to think highly of them and accept them for who they are.  There is no specific behavior required on their part but the openness to receiving your acceptance.  Allowing another person to be themselves and loving them anyway is at the root of all strong relationships. Looking for the good in every interaction will allow you to let people be exactly who they are.

Make strong commitments to your family and friends.  If you do not commit to working on relationships, you will not allow them to grow. Committing to following through on plans  and promises will keep you honest, and build trust in your relationships.  Spending your time with family first, and setting boundaries around that commitment is a healthy way to keep those strong relationships.

Share in activities and communication.  Communication is required to resolve conflict and create acceptance of each person in a relationship. People always have different points of view so keep an open mind and just allow opinions to differ.  You do not always have to like someone to love them.  Choosing to spend time with people even when they do not agree with you is a sign of maturity and emotional intelligence.  

Each day, remember that you need close and strong relationships to thrive.  Create those strong relationships by using the power of your communication, acceptance of differences, and commitment to follow through.  Life is fuller with family and friends.

Dr. Julie Cappel

“When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.” ― Donald Miller

“There is greatness in doing something you hate for the sake of someone you love.” ― Shmuley Boteach