Off Balance

I was talking to one of my rock-star associate veterinarians yesterday about work-life balance.  She is just a few short days away from giving birth to her first baby and I was asking her how she thought that her life was going to change.  She admitted that it didn’t feel "real” yet, and I assured her that it probably wouldn’t feel real until they put that baby in her arms and she saw that it was actually a small human - a human that she would now be totally responsible for the next 18+ years.  I remember that feeling of awe and terror when they put my daughter in my arms for the first time.  How was I going to raise this beautiful being and also remain the person that I had always wanted to be?  How was I going to balance my home life with children and my work life in the busy veterinary world?  Perfectly valid questions.

Whether we have children or not, we all struggle with work-life balance and I would argue that there really is no “balance”.

Balance is defined as “the state of equilibrium in which demands of personal life, professional life, and family life are equal.”

Actually, there will be no equal. I think a better word choice is “blend” or “harmony”.  It is impossible to spend half of your time at work and half at home. You can enjoy your meaningful work and be your best when you are there; then raise your children expertly when you are with them at home while also taking care of yourself.  You can be fully present in each situation. There is no balance but a harmony of the segments of your life. 

How can you accomplish harmony? 

First, you have to realize that there will be no perfect day.  There will be sacrifice of one thing for another over and over again.  The first step in creating harmony is to realize that there will be a push and pull of your emotions.  When you are at work you may worry about what is going on at home and when you are home you will worry about work.  Your job is to control your mind and the negative thoughts that enter your head.  Allow yourself to focus on your present and remain fully where you are. 

When anxiety or self-doubt starts to creep in, take some time for self- reflection.  Make a list of your thoughts and examine the source of your anxiety.  Take time to reflect and work on finding better thoughts about the events of the day.  Allowing yourself to examine your own mind and change negative thoughts to better thoughts will alleviate much of your anxiety.  

Focus on your strengths and outsource your weaknesses - Knowing what you do well will help you to move things off your to-do list and free up time to work on your strengths.

Develop a network of friends and family members that can help you when the going gets tough.  When my kids were small and in day care, there were some days when I would get stuck at work in a difficult case.  On those impossible days, I was able to call my mother, sister or even one of my receptionists, to pick up the kids and bring them back to work for me while I was finishing up the day.  Allow others to help you without feeling guilt about it.  

Have a calendar or schedule that is easy to manage and honor your commitments to your family.  Don’t miss out on family activities because work seems more important.  I left work early many times when my kids were growing up so that I could attend band concerts, plays and sporting activities.  I have never regretted the days that I took off work, but I do remember that family activities that I missed because I was working.

Make a list each week of your priorities – are the things on your to-do list urgent and important?  If so, tackle these things first, leaving the unimportant non-urgent things for another day or let them go altogether.

Schedule some self-care and do not let go of your hobbies.  Doing something that you love – other than work – will refresh your mind and allow you to manage stress more effectively.  Take a break during the day for self-care when things feel overwhelming.  Just take a quick walk, sit at your desk and practice some deep breathing, or do a short meditation.  (Hint: You may have to hide in a closet or bathroom to keep your team from finding you for a few minutes.)  

Don’t carry your work to your home.  There are times when you have to work from home but keep those times brief and controlled.  Keeping a healthy work schedule and leaving work at work will allow you to be fully present at home.  There will always be work, so leave the paperwork and cell phone calls behind to be addressed tomorrow.  Taking things home will just add to your stress and ruin your harmony.

Cut yourself some slack.  You will fail.  Repeat after me.  You will fail!  Being realistic about your new blended life will allow you to let go of the small failures.  There will be days when it just feels like nothing goes right and you want to sit in a corner and lick your wounds.  On those days realize that life is meant to be perfectly good and bad.  When you forget to send your kid’s lunch to school or miss the class party because you got involved in a difficult case at work, allow yourself some grace.  As a perfect human you will have imperfect days. 

Creating Harmony in your life is difficult but not impossible if you can focus on what is important to you.

"Never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life." —  Dolly Parton

Dr. Julie Cappel

Give up the Right to be Right!

Today I had a rather upset and somewhat cranky neighbor come into the office asking to talk to the manager/owner.  I hate this message when it comes from my receptionist.  You know the one, “Ms. Smith is up front asking to talk to the manager or doctor in charge.”   That message rarely precedes a compliment or someone just wanting to tell me how amazing I am.  When I hear these words, I know that I am in for an exercise in conflict resolution and self-control. Today this neighbor was coming to the office to express her concern over our new fence being installed around the office parking lot. It was affecting her backyard.

Before I walk up front to address this person, I need to decide how to handle this person and her complaint.  Do I want to go down this road of blame and defensiveness?  Can I remain calm and resist the temptation to argue? On this day I must admit that I did not handle the situation completely as my best self.  I was calm and listened well, but I did become a bit defensive while talking to her.  Why?

We have a deep-seated need to be right when dealing with a contentious situation.  When we feel that there is a disagreement pending, we start to feel defensive and we want to be right – the part of our brain that needs to protect us from harm and wants us to win. 

What do I gain by being right?  I can spend energy and time laying out my case, but it really only ruins our relationship.  If we want to have healthy relationships with other people, we have to be ok with being wrong – having no interest in actually winning. In most cases, you will not get the same curtesy from the person with whom you have a disagreement.  They will more than likely continue to be angry, frustrated, and defensive.  You must continue to stay in a non-defensive frame of mind and truly try to understand their position, even if they are being ugly about it.  You get to be the responsible adult in this room. 

Now I am talking to a neighbor about the fence in our parking lot that the workers just tore down, and she is upset because her dog might get out of her yard.  She is also upset that we did not notify her ahead of time that we were getting our fence replaced.  These are her thoughts about the situation.  My thoughts are different.  My thoughts are that I had no way of knowing that she was using our hospital fence at the back of her yard to contain her dog.  I am simply improving my yard. We are having different thoughts about the same situation, right?

If I stand there and argue with her that I was right to tear down the fence without notifying her and “win” the argument, I have walked away with nothing but an incorrect sense of power.   My being right just makes me feel empowered, but it ruins the relationship with my neighbor.  She walks away feeling like I am a jerk, and indeed I may have been a bit of a jerk. 

So how do we handle difficult conversations and do it in a way that preserves relationships and keeps us from acting like an ass?  Give up the need to be right. Don’t engage in “being right”, and you can defuse the potential conflict.  Everyone has the ability to get what they need from the conversation. I can ask about her thoughts and feelings about the fence. Why is she inconvenienced and how can I help?

If I were on the opposite side of the fence, literally, I may be upset that it got torn down, even for a day, without my knowledge.  If I can truly listen to understand, then I am in a much better frame of mind to offer the proper apology and give her what she is seeking, which is just the need to be heard.  I cannot go back and notify her of the fence work, but I can tell her that I understand her frustration and moving forward I can call her with updates on the progress of replacing the fence. 

Once you have heard them out and really listened to their whole story – and I do mean the whole story without rebuttal, you can decide to agree on the facts and then work towards a solution.

At this point in the conversation, I started to show up a bit better.  I told the neighbor that I was not sure when the fence would be finished, but I was pretty sure it would be today.  I told her that if she wanted to leave me her name and phone number that I would call her as soon as I talked to the fence company about when the fence would be up and finished.  I apologized that we did not notify her of the construction project and told her that we would keep her informed moving forward.  I cannot change the past, but I can change the future to help her get more of what she wants out of the situation.

In the end, the fence went down and back up within less than one day.  The fence company did their best to get things done as quickly as possible, especially in the yards that did not have their own fence.  After the neighbor left my office, I called the fence company to see when they would have the fence completed and they assured me that it would be today.  We called the neighbor to pass on this information and left her a message on voice mail, upholding my promise to keep her in the loop moving forward.

 

The next time you are in a conflict or difficult conversation, be sure to take a deep breath and prepare yourself to listen more than you talk.  Be prepared to let the other person be right and really embrace that fact that they are right.  Their thoughts are always valid, and you don’t need to agree with them, but you don’t need to prove to them wrong either.  Listen to their story and pull out the facts.  Once you have truly heard them and put yourself in their shoes, you can move forward with a solution. 

Dr. Julie Cappel

“Focus on the solution, not on the problem.” Jim Rohn



Join me on the Podcast - The Veterinary Life Coach Podcast with Dr. Julie Cappel 

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-veterinary-life-coach-podcast-with-dr-julie-cappel/id1451549730?mt=2