Focused and unfinished

I struggle with focus.  At least, that is what my brain tells me.  I have a story in my brain that I am not a focused person. It is one of my main struggles and the thing that I work on most.   I have been coached on this story many times, but it is deeply ingrained in my brain.  That little chihuahua brain of mine loves this “unfocus” story. 

I am sure that you can relate to having some negative story in your brain.  We all tend to create a negative bias story related to things that happened in our past.  They often come from emotional memories or trauma that becomes part of our self-image.  

Much of my “unfocus” story comes from something that one of my teachers said to me when I was in Junior High School.  This teacher was a super intimidating figure to me. He was a big, bald-headed, very stern guy that was also a little mean, and I was a bit afraid of him, to be honest. The project he had assigned was something about the government, and I worked super hard on the paper.  I researched it, wrote it (to the best of my ability), and did artwork on the cover to go along with the project.  I turned it in feeling very accomplished and confident that I had done a fantastic job.   A few days later, I remember the teacher calling me up to his desk and telling me that he was giving me a B-minus on my paper. He was of the opinion that I could do better.  He told me that I was the type of person that was smart enough to get ahead, but I was not focused enough to ever be very successful. 

I remember this conversation distinctly because it made me question myself and gave me this lasting internal story that I was not, or never would be good enough or focused enough to be successful. I have worked around and worked on this story ever since.  

Almost all of us have a negative self-story in our brain that results from something someone said when we were children or young adults.  It often sticks with us for life.  Your work is to understand where that story came from and change the belief that you have about that story being true. 

Challenge your negative thinking.  Is this self-story accurate?  What are the facts of the story?  When you ask yourself these questions, you will quickly realize that much of your story is created by you.  The things that the teacher said were hurtful but not accurate. The facts were simply that I wrote the paper, and he said something unkind.  When I think of the story this way, I am able to dismantle the power that the words had over me. I focus and move on. 

What are the negative thoughts that I think about my story, and what makes this story positive?  In my case, the negative thought is,  I am unfocused.  When I feel unproductive in my life, these negative thoughts can reemerge.  The things that make this story positive for me is the kick in the pants that the teacher’s statement created for me.  I am more motivated in my life because that teacher decided to give me a smackdown.  Perhaps that was his evil plan all along.  Thanks teach!

The last mental challenge you need to make when faced with your negative story is to question why you continue to hang onto this story.  When I think about it, I know that the story is only there for my motivation.  I no longer believe that it is true; I know that it is part of my growth journey and an interesting step in my self-development.  

Challenge your negative belief stories and realize that many of them are overblown in your brain.  Beliefs are just thoughts that you think over and over again.  When you believe something negative about yourself, know that we are all works in progress and your job is to change your story.  Learn from it, focus, and move forward to a better you.

Dr. Julie Cappel

“There are so many people who will tell you that you can’t do this, but you have to make sure that your voice isn’t going to be one of them.” ― Pooja Agnihotri, 

“Reality is a projection of your thoughts or the things you habitually think about.” ― Stephen Richards

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Shopping is good for your soul.

Today I spent the day shopping with my son and his girlfriend.  We went to the mall to look around and have lunch inside a restaurant. A rare treat these days.  In fact, in the past two weeks, I have spent more time in shopping malls and restaurants with my family than I have during the entire previous year.  As the world is getting back to normal activities — post covid vaccinations —I have joined the land of the free-living and returned to one of our favorite American pastimes, mall shopping.  

I feel amazing when I shop. (At least for the first couple hours.)  I love looking around and seeing things that I may have never seen before. I also love people-watching.  I enjoy getting a Starbucks coffee and walking around looking for bargains and “cute” things.  I take it that other people enjoy shopping too, based on the number of people at the mall today.  There were lines of people, shopping and spending their money on everything from Lululemon to Lego.  

As I watched the people go by, I wondered whether shopping is actually good for us or are we simply distracting ourselves from life’s problems?  The little bit of research that I did when I got home says that both things are true.  Shopping is mentally and physically healthy for us when done in moderation.  

Some experts think that shopping can help with loneliness, boredom, and depression.  People that feel out of control in their lives can actually feel more in control when they make purchasing decisions.  The feelings of accomplishment that come with the discovery of a good bargain may overcome low self-esteem.  Shopping can bring family members closer as they work together to find something to buy.  The act of shopping together acts as an emotional bonding activity. 

A study published in the Journal of Psychology and Marketing, revealed that 62% of shoppers reported that they had purchased something to cheer themselves up, and another 28% had purchased something as a type of celebration.  We use shopping to help us prepare for important events such as weddings, graduations, or new babies.  The shopping that we do to prepare for life changes helps us to feel more in control of our future. 

Shopping can also be good for us physically.  I put a lot of miles on my feet in my trek around the malls these last couple of weeks.  An article in The Daily Telegraph newspaper reported that walking and carrying shopping bags burns off over 300 extra calories and that women walk an average of three miles for every two hours of shopping.  Shopping gets you up off of your butt and onto your feet for a prolonged period of time.  That is my kind of exercise!

The best thing about shopping is that it can be both relaxing and entertaining.  The physical activity, interesting people, social interaction, and visual variety is a bit like visiting a museum — without the need for much intellectual thought.   Losing yourself in a shopping excursion can help to clear your mind and clarify your objectives.  As long as you remember to check the overspending, shopping is good for your heart and soul.

Dr. Julie Cappel

“Whoever said that money can’t buy happiness simply didn’t know where to go shopping.”— Bo Derek

Family ties

Sunday is trivia day in my family.  Since the beginning of the Covid lockdowns we started a tradition of meeting every Sunday on a zoom call to visit, catch up, and play trivia.  Each week someone presents a series of questions to the others and we see which of us is the best at general trivia.  We have kept in touch this way for a year now from New Mexico, Texas, Florida, Michigan, and New York.  The tradition of getting together each week helped us all to navigate the changes that the lockdowns caused and helped us to feel more connected, despite our forced separation.

 

Family is an important part of a mentally healthy life. Family may not always be blood relatives, but often are friends and coworkers.  Any close relationship that you form with people in order to share your life, will keep you on track in times of adversity. Strong family relationships will help you grow, so nurturing those relationships will add to your ability to be successful in whatever you choose to do. 

How do we build strong relationships with the people in our lives? 

Practice acceptance and fondness.   Our relationship with other people is all about the way we think and feel about them.  Creating a strong relationship with someone simply requires you to think highly of them and accept them for who they are.  There is no specific behavior required on their part but the openness to receiving your acceptance.  Allowing another person to be themselves and loving them anyway is at the root of all strong relationships. Looking for the good in every interaction will allow you to let people be exactly who they are.

Make strong commitments to your family and friends.  If you do not commit to working on relationships, you will not allow them to grow. Committing to following through on plans  and promises will keep you honest, and build trust in your relationships.  Spending your time with family first, and setting boundaries around that commitment is a healthy way to keep those strong relationships.

Share in activities and communication.  Communication is required to resolve conflict and create acceptance of each person in a relationship. People always have different points of view so keep an open mind and just allow opinions to differ.  You do not always have to like someone to love them.  Choosing to spend time with people even when they do not agree with you is a sign of maturity and emotional intelligence.  

Each day, remember that you need close and strong relationships to thrive.  Create those strong relationships by using the power of your communication, acceptance of differences, and commitment to follow through.  Life is fuller with family and friends.

Dr. Julie Cappel

“When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.” ― Donald Miller

“There is greatness in doing something you hate for the sake of someone you love.” ― Shmuley Boteach

Spring Abundance

This weekend we celebrated Easter, and the day could not have been more beautiful.  Springtime in Michigan is the time that everything starts to feel better.  The sun shines brighter, and the flowers and trees begin to bloom.  The past year has been challenging, so spring 2021 feels more optimistic than ever.  As we emerge from the pandemic and open up the world, we can appreciate what we have.  Spring is a time to feel grateful and enjoy living an abundant life.

I just have to look around a bit to appreciate all the great things that I have. A stress-filled day at work feels better if I embrace the kind words of a long-time client. When a client treats one of my team members with rudeness — and they often do — I encourage them to acknowledge all of the other clients that were patient and grateful for our services.  Even people that are challenging will push you to grow. If you let it, the contrast of good and bad will help you to feel more grateful for your chosen career. 

When someone is treating you poorly, practice your empathy.  Feeling empathy for someone, rather than joining them in their rude behavior, will allow you to feel more fulfilled.  Empathy is a skill that you can learn and grow stronger with practice. 

Live with a realization that other’s successes or failures are not affecting your success.  There is enough happiness and opportunity to go around, so wishing ill will to others is not productive.  Practicing appreciation for others’ success will ultimately bring you more peace and happiness than jealously ever could. When you see someone with something you want, admire and emulate them rather than envy them.  

As I look back on the changes that we have made since last Easter, I see how I have had to work on myself to stay focused and move forward.  Focusing on abundance and gratitude allows me to realize that I am in charge of my future. To enjoy life, you have to be grateful.  Looking for little blessings makes the everyday challenges seem less severe.  People that achieve success are those that remember to appreciate the good in each day.  They create big dreams and set a positive mindset to push towards those dreams. 

Dr. Julie Cappel 

 “The key to abundance is meeting limited circumstances with unlimited thoughts.” ~ Marianne Williamson

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