How to love people you don't like.

Yesterday I heard someone complain about one of their colleagues.  I listened to them grumble about the other person’s personality, work ethic, intelligence and leadership skills.  They had an idea in their head about how the person should behave and it was not happening for them, so they felt frustration, which lead to complaining and gossip.

Complaining about a co-worker, family member or friend is not a useful or productive exercise.  Wouldn’t life be easier if we could accept and love everyone?  What would your day be like if other people did not bother you, but in fact pleased you? 

Beautiful right?

It is totally up to you.

Your relationship with other people is about how you THINK about them.  It really has nothing to do with them.   It is your thoughts about them and their behavior that determines your relationship. 

The first step towards accepting others is to learn about and understand you.  We are all wired in different ways and in fact we all think differently.  There are many tools to help you understand personality and behavior styles.   I like Myers-Briggs, DISC, and Enneagram but there are many others that you can use.  Through these tools I have come to understand that I am an extrovert that enjoys harmony and getting things done.  I enjoy a fast paced work environment and quick solutions.  I do not enjoy tedious tasks that require reading detailed directions or sitting for long periods of time alone in my office.  I have the capacity for detail work, but it is not my preference.

Once you understand some things about yourself, you will have more capacity to look at others and understand their personality preferences.  You will be better able to appreciate their usefulness in your world and in your relationship.

The second step towards acceptance is to let go of your script.  We all have these scripts in our head that we write for others.  How we think they should behave.  How we think they should do their job.  How we think they should treat others.  The scripts keep us from allowing others to just be.  The truth is that adult people get to behave in any way that they want to behave.  Nothing in our script can prevent them from doing as they wish.  Once you accept that, you can let go of your preconceived notions towards their behavior and appreciate the things that they do well.  They have their own agenda, which has nothing to do with your script.  

Adults get to behave as they wish.

The third step is unconditional love.  Once you accept yourself just the way you are, you can move on to any self-improvement project without boundaries and the trappings of past failure.  You are free to explore anything that your heart desires.  When you accept and love others unconditionally, your relationship with them is free.  You no longer have to try to control their behavior because you realize that they are perfectly perfect the way they are.  This does not mean that you have to put up with abusive behaviors or poor performing employees.  You can love someone and still set boundaries around yourself or the job.  If the other person chooses to violate those boundaries, you can let them go without guilt or anger.  You can set them free and complete the relationship with love.

How you feel about another person is totally dependent on how you think of yourself and think of them.

“As you think so shall you be!  Your relationships are all in how you think about other people in your life.”  Wayne Dyer

Dr. Julie Cappel

Photo credit - Quattrozampe.online