Let’s care less about what others think.

Two weeks ago, I attended the Michigan Veterinary Conference in Lansing, Michigan.  I had been in Orlando at the VMX the week before and had traveled directly to Lansing from the Detroit airport.  I thought that I had packed appropriately for all of the events of the week, but when I got to Lansing, I realized that I had failed.  I was scheduled to attend the casino night charity event on Thursday evening with my husband.  The first dress I packed did not fit me correctly – it was baggy on top and I looked like I was wearing a sack.  (I guess I didn’t try it on before I left the house.)  The second dress fit me fine, but when I went for the sweater that matched, I could not find it in my bag.  I must have left it at home.  Great!  Now, what would everyone think of me? I didn’t have the “correct” attire.  I started to fret about what other people were going to think about the clothes that I was wearing.  Was everyone going to look at my mismatched sweater and think, “What is wrong with Julie that she would wear that?”  My husband of course thought I was being ridiculous and told me that I looked great. 

I am usually a pretty confident person, but what was happening in my head was far from confident.  Why do we care about what other people think of us?  What is it about others’ perceived criticism that makes us feel so bad and why do we criticize ourselves?

To a certain extent, we all care what other people think of us.  We don’t even realize it most of the time, but it affects many aspects of our lives.  It is instinctual, stemming from the days when we depended on our tribe for survival.  The social outcasts did not survive.  Social media tends to enhance this innate need for approval from others.  We only post things that show us in a certain light so we can protect an image that we have formulated in our heads.  We know it is a game, but we see others’ lives laid out on social media and we believe they are better than we are.

Although it is natural for us to seek approval, it can and does interfere with our own progress.  When we should be embracing our unique abilities and intuitions, we instead let the comparison game hold us back from using our talents to succeed.  The need for approval keeps us from just being ourselves.

Caring how others perceive us is not necessarily all negative.  There are times that “appropriate” behavior and attire is important -- not shouting in church or not wearing jammies and slippers to a job interview.  There are times when we do need to care about how we are perceived, but when it gets in the way of our progress or causes us undue anxiety, we have to reel it in. Excessive worry about what others think can interfere with your ability to be yourself and bring your unique talents to the table.  Worrying too much will hold you back from living your best life.

Why you should not care what others think:

It is your life not theirs.  Other people are entitled to think what they want, but if you worry about it, you are giving them your power. It is your life, and you are the only one that needs to approve of your actions. Others don’t know what is best for your life, only you do.  The only way that you can truly succeed is by making your own mistakes and learning from your own instincts and choices.  If you take responsibility for yourself, you will not be left blaming others for your failures. It is the way we learn and grow.

Other people’s thoughts change based on their own thoughts of themselves.  You cannot and will not please everyone, so why try?  They often don’t really care as much as you think.  Did anyone at the casino night even notice my sweater?  Probably not, and the fact that I worried about it for even a second was too much.  If I remain happy with myself regardless of my wardrobe others will be attracted to my positive energy, not notice my mismatched clothes.

The best reason for not caring what others think is that it will keep you from achieving your dreams.  When you step out of the norm, people will try to pull you back with good intentions.  Like two crabs in a bucket pulling each other back in, they will think that they are trying to save you from some dangerous humiliation.  The opposite is true.  If you listen to them and stay small, you will never grow and achieve the big dreams that you have for your life. 

It turns out that there were people dressed in many ways at the casino night:  Jeans, sweaters, dresses, jumpsuits, jackets and ties.  The crowd was so diverse that I don’t think anyone judged anyone about the clothes that were worn.  Everyone was just there to have a good time and raise money for charity.  I had wasted precious time and mental energy worrying about a stupid outfit.  The event was about raising money for charity and we did just that.  I had a great time in my dress and mismatched sweater as I was winning big fake money at the craps table. 

In the end, you are the one that has to live with your life.  You are the one that is responsible for how things turn out.  Your opinion is the only one that matters and wasting time and energy on what others think is a recipe for unfulfilled dreams.

Dr. Julie Cappel

“Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.” – Lao Tzu

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Big day, big goals.

Today is Superbowl Sunday, the day that most Americans spend sitting on the couch, eating chicken wings, pizza, and guacamole. We spend our evening watching the biggest football game of the year showcasing the excellence of the players on the field and the musical talent of the halftime show.  Ironically, we are one month into the new year and many of us are struggling to keep our New Year’s resolutions and 2020 goals.   I certainly am.

The comparison can be depressing.  We feel tired, overwhelmed, and frustrated because we don’t see the results that we expected from our hard work over the past four weeks.  We set some big goals at the beginning of the year, and then we got busy putting those goals into action.  Trouble is that in the past thirty plus days, we have not seen the expected big results. 

This is how new accomplishments and big goals are supposed to go. 

The progress is never as easy or as fast as we would like it to be.   When we don’t see fast or obvious results, our negative brain starts working against us thinking thing like: maybe I should give up, maybe this goal is too much for me, or this is too hard for someone like me.

The players in the Super Bowl did not just wake up one day with a Super Bowl spot.  Shakira and Jennifer Lopez did not stumble out of bed onto the half time stage.  To arrive on the world’s biggest stage, it takes many many hours of intense practice, training, and work. So why should it be any different for me and my goals?

How do we stick with our goals when the plan gets difficult?

 

Push through discomfort.  Part of being successful is learning how to deal with the uncomfortable feelings that come along with doing something new and working towards goals. 

Celebrate the small victories.  Each step towards a goal is one inch closer to your dreams.  If you can see the small steps as victories, you will be less likely to want to give up when the going gets tough.

Realize that your brain is a liar.  When negative thoughts arise for you, understand that they are your worst enemy.  You have the ability to use your higher brain to spot the lies and not fall for them. Be prepared to feel negative emotion around your goals and just accept them.

When your brain begins to doubt and pull you off of your goal, try just committing. You have the ability to completely ignore your brain's need to "see progress" in order to continue.  The small day to day progress is insignificant and irrelevant.  The day you quit could be just the day that things break for you.  Once you quit, there is NO chance that you will succeed.

You have decided to accomplish your goal -- decide and just do it.

Dr. Julie Cappel

"The great danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low and achieving our mark." –Michelangelo

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Gratitude on call.

It is one of the most common things that I read in the rants on the veterinary/veterinary technician Facebook groups.  Veterinarians and veterinary technicians that are disgusted, angry and even bitter about people asking work questions when they are off duty. 

We all know how this goes.  You attend a dinner party, family gathering, school event or even a funeral.  Someone discovers that you are a veterinarian or work in the veterinary field.  The next statement is, “I have a question for you.”  Not, “May I ask you ask you a question?” or “Do you mind if I ask you a question?”, although sometimes the polite ones start this way.  More often than not, they just assume that you are longing to hear their drawn-out, crazy animal story and answer all of their related (and unrelated) questions.  The questions may not even be about their own pet.  It is their brother’s dog, their neighbor’s cat, the school rabbit, or some treatment that the groomer or breeder recommended to them or their friend. 

It happens all the time and we should expect it. How often I find myself avoiding the “What do you do for a living?” question?   We know that we cannot stop it from happening, but maybe we can develop better coping strategies to help keep us sane when it does.  

 

Is there a better way that we can handle these situations and think differently to keep us from getting stressed?

Here are a few that I suggest.

Look for the humor in their story or the situation. When people are talking about their dog’s diarrhea at a dinner party, leaving the other guests gagging on their food -- that is some funny stuff.   I love to listen to people try to explain something that the neighbor’s, brothers, friend’s dog ate or surgery that they had. It is funny when they mispronounce a medication or disease that they read about on the internet.  If you listen for humor and enjoy their stories, then you will feel less stress in the conversation whether you choose to give advice or not.

  

Set boundaries.  There is no reason that you have to answer any question when you are not at work.  We are such people pleasers and we may feel awkward or selfish if we choose not to answer a medical question in our off-work hours.   The truth is that you can set a boundary at any time just for self-care.  No need to be rude, but you can say something like, “I am sorry, I prefer not to comment on a pet that I have not examined.”  “I am here to (fill in the blank) but I would be happy to examine your pet tomorrow if you want to call the office and schedule an appointment.”  Stand up for yourself and set a boundary to protect your off time.

Practice empathy and think generously.  If you employ empathy, you will begin to understand why people do what they do.  They care about their pets and may have some legitimate concerns. They are just reacting to the good news that fate has given them an opportunity by dropping a veterinarian in their lap.   If you understand their motivation, and maintain a generous mindset, it will be easier to listen and give your best advice.  If you tell them to take their pet for an exam, you can do it from a place of generosity and empathy. Do it because you want to be the person that treats others well.  Do it because you want to be the person that happily helps others.

Dr. Julie Cappel

“That's what I consider true generosity: You give your all and yet you always feel as if it costs you nothing.” —Simone de Beauvoir

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