Avoiding Work

This week I have felt a lot of resistance to work. I usually like going to work and doing what I do. I also love podcasting and doing my veterinary coaching work. However, this week I felt some negative feelings about working. Perhaps it was the beautiful weather we have been having — I want to be outside all day. Maybe it has something to do with curbside/covid dragging on and on with no end in sight. This week, I admit to feeling a little stuck. All I wanted to do was take a day off, be outside, and enjoy the sunny end of summer weather.

I often talk to my coaching clients about the difference between the need for self-care and using self-care as avoidance. Are we taking the day off from our responsibilities because we need some downtime and relaxation, or are we taking the day off to avoid something we don’t want to tackle?

If you are a student and need to study for a test and find yourself on social media all evening, you are probably avoiding studying. If you stop at Taco Bell on the way home from work, order two burritos, and eat them before you get home to make dinner, you are probably trying to numb your feelings.

By the way, we all avoid our feelings. You are not alone. It is a natural thing that we all do to avoid something painful. I don’t mean physical pain, like a headache or pulled muscle. (Although we would like to avoid those). We prevent our emotional pain, like sadness, stress, or confusion. We use things to numb out those feelings or avoid them. We do things like binge-watch Netflix for hours, scroll through social media, and overeat and drink. Sometimes relaxing and watching a movie is self-care, and sometimes we are avoiding. The trick is knowing the difference.

Self-care means doing things to take care of your mind, body, and spirit by engaging in activities that reduce stress and promote well-being. Self-care enhances our ability to live fully and effectively. Avoidance causes us to feel better at the moment but results in a compounding of the stress in the aftermath. 

So after my long day at work, if I come home feeling exhausted and try to wind down by watching a favorite TV show to give myself a break before I walk the dogs, it may be self-care. If I sit there for hours binge-watching, staying up way too late, and neglecting my dogs and other responsibilities. I am probably avoiding something in my life, sabotaging myself, and calling it self-care. 

The first thing to think about when you want to figure out if you are overindulging in self-care to avoid your life is to take a self-assessment. Spend a little time thinking about how many hours you spend thinking about what you should be doing but are not. Do you know more about strangers on Instagram than you do about your friends and family? Do you feel more stressed after your leisure activity? If self-care is distracting you from your goals and dreams, then you are stuck in avoidance.  

It is unrealistic to do away with avoidance behavior completely. There are times when a little “avoidance style self-care” is necessary to get your brain ready to process a big emotion. You don’t want to practice avoidance too often. If you feel yourself doing things that may be destructive, realize what you are doing. Take a moment to see your avoidance, then step up, step out, and get on with your life.  

Tonight I am back to work.

Dr. Julie Cappel

“Pain in this life is not avoidable, but the pain we create avoiding pain is avoidable.” ― R.D. Laing.