There is no correct way to grieve.

As a long time veterinarian I have to deal with grief.  Grief when a pet gets a bad diagnosis and grief when that pet’s life comes to an end.   In a blog that I wrote two weeks ago, I wrote about how grief and love go hand in hand and how we should embrace grief as being a part of love.  I do believe that, but it got me to thinking about how we navigate that grief.

My amazing husband reminded me about the work of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler in the books “On Death and Dying” and “On Grief and Grieving”.  In the books they talk about the stages of grief.  David Kessler writes, “The stages…are responses to loss that many people have, but there is not a typical response to loss as there is no typical loss.”  Grief is as unique as the person that is experiencing it.

I find that to be true in my experience with my clients and their pets.  Each situation is unique and there is not a proper way to express grief.

The five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  David writes that not everyone goes through all of the stages, and not everyone experiences them in the same order. 

Denial is usually the first stage of grief.  Denial involves confusion and shock and is our brain’s way of guarding us from the emotions that will follow.  We are blocking reality, so we don’t have to feel the terrible emotions that are to come.  Denial is what causes us to avoid the reality of the situation until we have the capacity to really feel.  I remember feeling this when I lost my first dog as a young adult.  I could not face the fact that I was going to have to make a decision to let her go.  

Anger is the second stage.  Anger is what gives our grief structure and makes us feel stronger.  When we feel anger towards another person, the current situation, or even God, it makes us feel more in control than the denial that feels so chaotic.  Anger is the manifestation of the underlying pain.  Lashing out makes us feel more in control of something that we cannot really control.  I have experienced my personal anger when losing a family member or pet.  I also have been on the receiving end of anger as a veterinarian when delivering bad news.  I do not take it personally as I know that it is just grief talking and is a necessary part of the natural grieving process.

Bargaining is often the third stage but I have seen it mixed in with denial and anger.  Bargaining is the thinking that “if only” I had done something different this would not be happening.  We say, “I wish” or “I should have”, brought the pet in earlier, paid closer attention, or been there when the pet died.  Veterinarians do some bargaining of their own when a severely ill pet is presented to us.  We think, “Why didn’t this pet get to me sooner?” or “Why did they wait so long?”   We think that we may have been able to do more if we had seen a pet sooner.  Bargaining allows us to remain in the past and avoid the reality that we are facing.  Bargaining seems to crop up over and over again as we navigate grief and is the thing that makes us question our euthanasia decisions.  We wonder if we chose the correct time or waited too long.

The fourth stage is depression.  Once we have let go of the bargaining we feel the true weight of the situation.  This is not just feeling sad but really feeling lost.  The realization that your loved one is gone and is not coming back causes profound sadness and is an appropriate response.  It is one of the steps that we need to go through to get to the other side and move on to acceptance.  There is no proper way to deal with this stage, except to say that getting help from others is very important.  Talking through your grief with a family member, friend, support group or therapist is often needed to navigate this stage.  Remembering that pets are a significant part of our lives and not being ashamed to talk about it to others, will help us to progress beyond the depression and move into acceptance.

The fifth stage is acceptance.  Acceptance is not being “ok” with the loss or “feeling good” about it and moving on.   It is about accepting the reality of your pet being gone but not forgotten.  Accepting that life has changed and will be forever different going forward.  I see acceptance in one way, as a veterinarian, when people adopt a new pet after a loss.  They are not replacing the love that they had for the deceased pet, they have accepted the loss and have chosen to love again.  The new pet is not a replacement but an addition to a their life.  I personally spent a year without a dog after I lost both of my previous dogs within four months of each other.  When I got to the point of acceptance and my house felt empty I adopted Trent my current Sheltie.  I will never forget my other two dogs, but I chose to open my heart to another. 

I write about this subject not to make you feel sad but to help us all to feel supported and understood.  There are people that judge us on grief surrounding pets.  They may be unkind or lack empathy when it comes to the choices surrounding pet care, illness and euthanasia.  I want everyone to be assured that most veterinarians and veterinary technicians will treat you and your pet with compassion, love and support in all situations. 

Guilt, judgment and regret have no place in this discussion. 

There is no correct way to lose a pet and no correct way to grieve. 

Dr. Julie Cappel

If you would like to comment on this story or any other, please leave a comment here or visit my Facebook group “Veterinary Life with Dr. Julie Cappel”