Last weekend I spent time with some old friends. Not “old” people, but friends I have had for a long time. When I say “old friends,” I guess I mean true friends. True friends are people you know well and feel very comfortable with, even when you don’t interact often. True friends share your history and understand your personality quirks and flaws. They are the people that love you unconditionally.
Spending time with these ladies over the years, through dog training/showing, raising children, and now bike riding and scrapbooking/crafting weekends, has brought me much joy and security. It is vital to our mental and physical health as humans to have friends. The number of friends is less important than the quality of the friendships. Those friendships require work and attention to flourish and for us to reap the benefits.
In her book, Friendship: The Evolution, Biology, and Extraordinary Power of Life’s Fundamental Bond, science journalist Lydia Denworth says, “…research suggests that friendships can help us find purpose and meaning, stay healthy, and live longer.” The care and keeping of close personal relationships is a habit that we want to develop to live longer and stay healthier. Keeping these healthy relationships may take time out of our busy schedules, but they are vital to building a better life.
What are some recommendations for fostering healthy friendships?
Do not neglect your friends when you are busy. Take time and make time to connect. When tied up with work, family, and children, it is easy to forget that our friends are important and require a connection. Reach out to them via phone call or text message and tell them you are thinking of them. Schedule time to get together with your friends to have fun. The relationships grow stronger as you share experiences.
If your friends are work friends, get together outside of work and discuss something other than work issues. We tend to vent with our work associates, but constant work talk will keep the friendships surface-level and not allow for deeper relationships. It is great to make friends with your co-workers; try to keep some professionalism so as not to let work stress bleed over into the friend space.
Plan some variety and do something different. Often we get into a rut with our friendships and need to plan new and exciting challenges. Changing things up with your friends will give you more time and experiences to bond over. If you usually text your friend, try calling. If you typically meet for dinner, try scheduling an activity together. Building relationships requires both parties to engage, so try to think of ways you and your friends can bond and have fun together.
Learning together is a great way to bond. My friend Tracy and I met in a tap dancing class almost 20 years ago, and we still dance together. We don’t do it every week and sometimes go months without dancing, but we go to class together when we can. We love to tap, and experiencing the course together strengthens our bond.
Continue to learn about your friends by asking open-ended and inviting questions. So many times, we get in a rut with our friends and forget that there is so much to learn about them. Opening yourself up to deeper conversations will help you learn more and grow your bond. I know new things about my friends when I approach them with curiosity and openness. Prioritize those friendships that you want to strengthen and work to express your feelings of appreciation and love to those people. Allowing friends to know that you love them opens their heart to a more genuine friendships.
If you do not have the friends you want, work to make some new connections. As you go through life, making new friends is challenging because we often feel insecure about making friends from strangers. Start with someone that you know but would like to know better. Reach out to them and see how they are doing. Most people would love to have another true friend, so be vulnerable and open to connection.
Make a list of the people you consider true friends and those you would like to be closer to. Then, connect with those friends this week to grow and strengthen your friendships. You will be happier and healthier for it. If you need a new friend, contact me, I can always use a few more. Hugs!
Dr. Julie Cappel
"Friends are medicine for a wounded heart, and vitamins for a hopeful soul." -Steve Maraboli
